Once again I have read another amazing story by you. I love your writing style. As I commented earlier I lover the suspense you put in your writing. This is completely random and you don't have to anwser but where did the name Eponine come from? Anyhoo I loved it and once again couldn't wait to read it again when I had to stop. Keep on writing! I really hope you write some more fan fictions because I love reading them. You are deffinitaly my favorite author on fan fiction. Thanks for writing.
I love the suspense you put into your writing.
WHOA! Didn' t see that coming!
I don't think that many fics take place from Neville's POV ( or maybe they do, I haven't been on this site in a while) but I think that was a pretty good idea of what goes on inside Neville's head. It was interesting that he has a crush on Hermione, but that does make sense, since she's probably the first person he met at Hogwarts. Anyway good job!
I like this story.a lot you are a very good writer and I'm happy that you finished it!!! Well done!!!
Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review!
Great opening chapter, Eponine. The characterisation of Neville was great right from the beginning. I could definitely see him belittling himself like that. He just can’t believe he fought bravely and greatly at the Department of Mysteries. Instead he has to beat himself up over not protecting someone from an injury and breaking his father’s wand. Poor Neville! You seem to capture Neville’s awkward personality all throughout the story, while still keeping him in character.
I like the atmosphere you created right from the beginning with Neville remembering the events from the end of the previous year, and just sitting alone in his room pondering them all. That scene just seemed to flow well and really drew me into the story. It was a nice way to start off.
I thought the song Neville sang to his mother was very sweet! I love the characterisations you show between Alice and Neville. Neville is really great with Alice. He just seems so calm and patient and happy to be spending time with his mother, even though the situation must be strange and sort of uncomfortable for him. You write the two so well together. I really hope we get to read more scenes with Neville and his mother. The chocolate frog card was also a nice touch, and I laughed trying to picture Dumbledore squeezing into that small frame.
The healer nodded, and made her way over to Frank, who was now ripping up a picture of Gilderoy Lockhart.
I found this line very amusing! Nice touch of humour there. =)
When you wrote the Diagon Alley scenes, I noticed so many great details. You weaved them in well, especially as Neville was walking to Flourish and Blott’s. I felt like I was walking down the cobble stoned road with him. You also have a nice amount of description throughout the rest of the story. Not too much, but enough to give us a nice vision of the scene you’re writing.
I do have some constructive criticism, and it gets a little nitpicky. I’m sure you’re better with this sort of thing now, but I thought I would point out some of the small mistakes I caught…
His eyes were stinging with warm tears now as he blinked the furiously away.
I’m assuming you meant ‘His eyes were stinging with warm tears now as he blinked them furiously away’.
Neville wasn’t as stupid as everybody thought he was; he didn’t have to do well on divination to know when something was going on.
‘Divination’ should be capitalised.
Neville sighed, as his father shook his head at nothing and turned back to look out the window, watching a bird flutter by intently.
I believe the comma after ‘sighed’ is redundant.
“I’ll see you later, dad.” Neville said, patting his father’s hand awkwardly.
‘Dad’ needs to be capitalised and there should be a comma instead of a period after it. This mistake occurs several times throughout the story. You also forgot to capitalise ‘Mum’ in a few places.
She seemed to recognize him, much more than Frank at least.
‘Recognize’ should be ‘recognise’. This is spelled wrong more than once in the story. You also spelled ‘realize’ incorrectly. I would advise setting your word processor to U.K. English to catch American spelling.
“Mum, its okay…”
An apostrophe is needed in ‘its’.
“Well, it took you long enough.” She snapped, the vulture on her hat wobbling dangerously.
Once again, that should be a comma instead of a period. This needs to be changed in several places throughout the story. ‘She’ should be lowercased. And the sentence seemed a little harsh for Augusta. Toning it down might be a good idea. I did like how you included the vulture on her hat. That shows how you paid attention to the details of the books and added them into your story.
His patients running low,
‘Patients’ should be ‘patience’.
Neville turned and walked slowly passed the many shelves, searching for the Herbology section.
‘Passed’ should be ‘past’.
An eleven year old girl sat in a compartment of the Hogwarts Express alone.
‘Eleven year old’ should be hyphened.
Also, ‘Healer’ should be capitalised.
I realise this story was written a while ago, and you weren’t as good with grammar and spelling when you wrote it. I’m sure your skills have improved a lot since then. I would suggest just looking through it once and correcting the mistakes you missed.
Augusta’s personality seems just a bit too fierce. I always imagined her to be very strict with Neville, since in canon we know she sort of frightens and intimidates him. But I think it’s just too overdone. I would suggest just softening her up in a few places, and not having her be capslock!Augusta. I also don’t think she would leave so early while visiting Alice and Frank. She barely enters the room before leaving again. She didn’t even acknowledge either one of them. You could have her try to talk to Frank once, or at least say hello to him. She deeply cares about her son, so she would try to spend a little time with him.
The greatest thing about this story is your ability to write Neville in such a realistic way. I’ve wanted to read more Neville-centric stories, but there aren’t a lot of them. From his dialogue to his movements to his thoughts, he was kept in character. There is just something so Neville-ish about him in your story. I thought this was a great first chapter, and I look forward to reading the rest of the story. =)
Katty – Knight of the Turnip Table
Author's Response: Wow! What an amazing review! Thank you so much!
I'm glad you liked the first chapter. I had a lot of trouble writing it. Neville is definitely my favorite character and I'm so happy that you think I wrote him in character!Oh those pesky grammar mistakes! I'll definitely go back and edit. I actually wrote this when I was just learning how to punctuate dialogue. [Can you believe that I never knew before?] I'll catch those and everything else soon enough.Thanks so much for pointing that out!
I agree with you about Augusta. I've actually been considering a rewrite of the story, which would definitely include her characterization. I think I'll get on that next time I have a vacation!Actually, American spelling is accepted on MNFF. American phrases aren't, but the spelling is alright, since the American HP books use the American spelling as well. Thanks for pointing that out though! I've been considering reteaching myself how to spell. Heehee.
Thank you so much for your kind words!'Ponine
Funny! Awww, well, I guess Luna and Neville were never meant for eachother anyway.... :D
Author's Response: Heehee. I didn't think so. I had fun writing that one.
Thanks for the review!Eponine
Wow!! I love your story! Neville has always been my favorite, and I think you did a great job portraying him! the ending was great!!!!! Good job! :D *cries*
Author's Response: Aw thank you so much! I love Neville too. I'm glad you like it!
Thanks for the review!Eponine
Yes! Neville finally killed Lestrange...and it only took us a year to find out! Just kidding. I like the way you ended it, with Neville having more confidence in himself than ever and feeling 'complete' for the first time. 10/10
Author's Response: Hee. ^^;;; Sorry about that. I'm glad you liked the ending! Thanks so much for the review!
Im the #1 neville fan!!!!!! Good story, please don't abandon! :D
Author's Response: Ooh thank you so much! And thanks for reviewing, I just finished the story today. =)
Hey, whats going on? This fic is too good to not be continued. I have to know what'll happen next! Please update!
Author's Response: Aww thanks so much. It's been updated.=D
I luv the story!!! Please update soon!!!! Can't wait to read more!!!
Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review! I've updated. =D
You make me want to huggle Neville--a lot. Hands down, my favorite thing about this story is your portrayal of Neville. It was so refreshing to not have to read a story about every one of Neville's blunders. You've portrayed him in such a different light than most authors--as someone who's actually intelligent, and who really can think and reason on his own. I particularly like the way that you've covered for all his past mishaps--the bit about him pretending to have confrontations with Draco just for Hermione's sake made me grin.
As much as I loved it, I did notice quite a few places that weren't completely correct grammatically. Not to worry, nothing really huge or distracting. Always keep in mind that Muggle, Divination, and Sorting should be capitalized--that's a fairly common mistake. Being a Muggle, though...need my appreciation, lol!The first paragraph of the chapter, I felt, could use some breaking up. Gran's dialogue was very much mixed in with the action that was going on. In some instances, that does work, but I think in this case, it might need to be a bit seperated. The same goes for the other paragraph that mostly consists of Gran speaking. Not every line needs to be its own paragraph, but it should be a bit secluded from the first paragraph, in general.
This sentence (he stopped at sat down on a stool, his mind racing) was most likely a typo, but the "at" should be "and." I got a little bit messed up on this sentence, also: “On a week from Friday… I think that should either be, One week from Friday, or just A week from Friday...I really need to commend you on your use of time/flashbacks. That's a difficult thing to do, to jump between times, but you pulled it off very effectively. I also like some of the phrases you've put in, they give you a very definitive voice. I especially loved this sentence: Neville would have jumped a foot in the air, if that hadn’t meant he would lose his tiny spot in the crowd when he landed.
Once again, I'm really enjoying this exploration of my favorite character. We really know so little about him--the way that you've shown him is so different from what you'd expect, but in a completely refreshing way. This is a highly original story, in my opinion, and one that I'm really enjoying. Great job! I can't wait to read more. =)
Wow! Thank you so much for such a thoughtful review. You SPEWers are the best. I'll be sure to go back and fix those typos and be more careful soon. Thank you so much again!
Once more with your new installment, you have done a wonderful job, especially with portraying Alice and Ginny. The best Neville-centered fic Ive ever read! Keep it up! 10/10
Author's Response: Thanks so much! This comment goes to all of the readers: Please read the little blurb at the end about this story... thanks! ^^
Congratulations! You are the winner of my spontaneous, spur of the moment prize, for the best written Neville-centric story I’ve ever read. I’ve always liked Neville, and I am adamant in my belief that JKR has plans for him. I definitely believe he’s going to play a large part in the fulfillment of the prophecy – why else show that it could have been him or Harry? Erm, anyway, that belongs in one of the forums, so I’ll move on now . . . This is going to be somewhat of a general overview, not just for the last chapter, because I just started reading it, and the comments I want to make are not that specific.
Just to warn you, I am a very harsh critic, and I find stuff to criticize in everything I read – so please don’t take offense at the barrage that is about to follow. I’m sure you’re a good enough writer to handle it, so I’ll leave the grammar and syntax and diction alone – while I noticed a few mistakes, that happens to everybody. My main sticking point in the story (when I say sticking point, I mean something that I think detracts slightly from the whole, but doesn’t stop me from reading and enjoying the rest) was the way the others reacted to Neville. I love the idea of Neville coming into his own . . . but somehow Harry’s (him especially) treatment of him didn’t seem to fit with canon. While it might have worked after the first three books, in the fourth book Harry’s opinion of Neville undergoes a distinct change, as he finds out about Neville’s parents (who, by the way, I think you’ve shown very well, particularly Alice). In the fourth book he learns to pity him, and in the fifth book I think also to respect him, after watching Neville interact with his parents, grow in the DA, and fight at the Ministry, and finally when he learns that Neville might have been the one the prophecy applied to. I have trouble with the idea that Harry will suddenly turn around and laugh at him like that, as if he doesn’t recognize him as an actual person. Um, I’m getting back into essay mode, sorry – what I’m really trying to say is that though I could understand Harry resenting Neville, or pitying him to the point where Neville is bothered by it, but not blatantly disregarding him or assuming that he’s worthless. Although, I suppose I should take into account that this is third person limited, so it’s how Neville feels, and it may not be exactly true as to Harry’s feelings. Nevertheless, I’d feel better about it if there was some incident in particular which caused Harry and the others to revert to their earlier view of Neville – maybe he could have done something which seemed to them stupid and pointless, or something? Sorry, I’m just rambling now . . . I think I’ve made my feelings clear. However, feel free to ignore this – character development is a very opinionated thing, and I can see that others among your reviewers have thought differently. And your story is still a fun read, even if I don’t agree with what you did with Harry.
I loved Gran, by the way – I thought she was portrayed wonderfully, and really enjoyed how she was shown as being strict and rough, but also someone that Neville was deeply attached to. One more character quibble, though. While I found Harry and Hermione’s relationship understandable, I was confused by the breakup. I know that it is still unresolved, and a resolution is probably waiting in the distance, but I feel in need of some explanation. Judging from what we’ve seen in the past about Harry’s relationships with girls, he likes to turn to his friends for advice. Obviously he’s not going to go to Hermione for help in this situation – but I definitely expected to hear it brought up in the dormitory that night. Otherwise it feels sort of pointless – a chord left hanging so you could go on to another melody – and by the time you return to it we’ll have forgotten that we were waiting for it. Rather convoluted metaphor there, but I think you get the picture – I’d like to see you keep that thread going while waiting for the end, or provide a resolution now.
Wow – I’ve probably completely overloaded you. I found your story on the review game thread . . . and I didn’t expect to write this much, but I found I had a lot to say! I actually had another point to make, but I’ll save that for later. Let me emphasize one more time – I like your story a lot, so don’t assume that the lengthy character quibble means that I didn’t. I’m definitely coming back for more Neville!
Oh, by the way (this is sort of off topic) – I love your Les Mis quotes. They really fit into the story, and I like the parallels between Neville and Eponine. You’ve found a great way of integrating it into your story through the quotes; I once read a story that was a Les Mis direct parallel, and the teachers burst out into song, and the characters kept on saying lines directly from the play . . . it was good writing, but I like your way much better. Keep going, and great job!
Author's Response: Wow! Thanks a million for that amazing review! I really appreciate all of the comments and how hard you worked on it! You brought up some great points that I hadn't even thought of; I'll be more careful to watch for unnecessary snobby Harry in future chapters. I hate to say that there probably won't be any further explanations about the Harry/Hermione what there is. Since it's in Neville's POV and he doesn't talk to them as much as they talk to each other, he never really figures it out. Again thank you so much for the review!
Finally the new chapter arrived! *squeal* Honestly this story doesn't stop getting better! I admit that some scenes make me dislike Harry , but you didn't change his personality at all. I sometimes felt from OOTP that Harry thought he was too good of a super hero to be true. For example, he couldn't believe that Ron and Hermoine were chosen as perfects and not him. And whenever he's angry he keeps talking about all of the evil he fought. He is brave, honest and funny, but still far from perfect. Neville is not perfect either but I think he's more modest that Harry. Anyway, this story is very good and you are REALLY bringing all the characters to life. Don't stop posting! I'll read all of your fics from now on.
Author's Response: Thank you so much for your review! I really appreciate having a reader as enthusiastic as you! Thanks a million!
I am completely hooked to this story! Your writing is brillent! I don't know what touch you have that makes it so good, but I can tell it is there! Wait to go! You've got to keep this up! Awesome job!
Author's Response: Thank you so much for your review! I'll try to update soon! Thanks again!
wow i really love this story keep up the very good work. update soon
Author's Response: Thanks a million for the review!
This is an awsome start to what I know promises to be a great story! I'm so happy to see Neville get a moment in the spot light to tell his story!!!! Keep it up!!!!
Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review!
This is too good! Honestly, this chapter is the BEST so far. I love the adventurous moments and the excitment you put in , it's really great how you change the dark mood of the story for some time. It's how JK does it in my opinion. You know what I'm going to say, POST MORE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!
Author's Response: Thank you very much! I'm glad you liked this chapter. I just submitted chapter seven, hopefully it won't be too long. Thanks again for the review!