Hi, I notice that you've followed a Swap Quatrain structure in the first 4 stanzas...but you've not done so in the last one. Any reason for that? I'm just curious because it seems to be flowing so beautifully, but then the last one doesn't follow the structure.
Was it done intentionally to bring in the Mirror of Erised? I also notice that the rhyme structure has been changed in the last paragraph, from AABB to ACAA...which breaks the pattern.
Wonderful poem! I love what you did with the rhyme and inverted lines, that must have been so challenging! It really makes for a powerful read.
The only thing I wasn't sure of was the final stanza - what happened to the rhyme in the second line? Did you take that out for dramatic effect? And did you mean to say "It" or "If"? :)
The final question is very dramatic, it's a great ending, tying it to the Mirror of Erised. I think the character might be Draco. Who were you thinking of then?
Fantastic job, you are a wonderful poet!
I just re-read the poem and it was even more splendid than before. That's interesting that it was about Dumbledore...hm....
What a wonderful poem! I love the rhyming scheme you used.
I really like the way you havn't said who the poem is actually about, it gives it that sense of mystery, and so evrey reader is going to picture it in a diffrent way and think of a different character when reading it.
This was really good and you created some good imagery.
This poem is a bit old and for some reason it won't let me reply to reviews anymore. So I'll just answer the question of who the poem is written about here. I believe when I wrote it I had Dumbledore in mind and thus supporting the theory that Dumbledore had his death planned out before that night on the lighning struck tower. Thank you all for the reviews and comments on the poem, they make writing poems even better.
Woahhhh. This is amazing! This is one of the best poems I've read on MNFF. I'm so happy I discovered this. What really strikes me is two things, the first being the structure. I love how the first and fourth lines are the same but reversed, when I first noticed that I was like, "That is incredibly smart! I love it!" The second is the last two lines. They gave me chills and literally left me staring at the page. It is wonderful. I'm wondering who it is... Malfoy?
I also thought this was about Voldie until I read your first review...Dumbledore, maybe?
The first few verses were a bit confusing, but as soon as I got to the the last line, everything seemed to fall into place. By the way shouldn't "If shows my wish, not my dread" have a comma after it, not a period? Because it's part of that whole thought...
is it Lupin? I don't know, I got nothin', Really great poem though. amazing author.
If itís anything Iíll admit, Iím no poet, mcclure 512. But in my recent bout of poetry flicking, I found this, and wow, I must say Iím thoroughly impressed.
The anonymity of the narrator is as intriguing as the poemís dark mystery Ė but as you say, better left to the readerís imagination. I also enjoyed the way you reversed the first and last verses on your stanzas Ė it lays emphasis on the rhythm without direct repetition.
Inarguably, he best two verses are the last two. Oh that one gave me a shiverÖ
Anyway, well done! Your style is unique and poignant Ė essentials of a great poet.
Wow, that was definitely the best poem I have ever read. Have you ever considered writing real poetry, like not fanfiction? Because if I was a publisher, and you wrote a real poem half as good as that I would publish it without a doubt. Excellent! I look foward to reading poetry by you in the future! Wow! I'm thinking it is Harry after OotP, or maybe Ginny? Great job! 10 zillion out of ten! I would write more, but it is so good I am still in shock! Wow, that was amazing!
Author's Response: Wow, that review really brightens my day. =D I've never really thought of publishing any poetry and I think it will be awhile before I do. I should have a bunch more written after Christmas top post on here though.
I really enjoyed this poem, mcclure_512. I liked the rhyming scheme you used in the poem and I particularly enjoyed the ending.
Then why do I see myself dead
Inside he mirror of Erised
As for as who I think the character is, I am going to guess Dumbledore. Iím probably way off in left field. My second guess is Snape. If both of those are wrong, you got me. I thought the double visions and misshaped dreams could be references to memories in a pensive. I thought the broken twig could be talking about his bad arm. And, finally, the sudden glare and quick conclusion, I thought, refer to Dumbledoreís quick decision to have Snape take him out at the end of HBP. Okay, try to keep your laughter down if I am WAY off.
A couple of things I noticed. Firstly, I liked the rhythm through most of the poem, but thought it could be perfected in a couple places. For example, here:Dull smothered eyes, painted stark white
Tears stopped in time, frozen by the night.
I thought maybe if you canned the word the before the word night in that second line, it would makes those lines flow secondly. As it stands now, it seems like that extra syllable in that line throws of the rhythm just enough to be noticed.
Also, in your last stanza, you have:
If shows my wish, not my dread
If gives me joy, and never woe,
Should the word if that begins each line be it instead? Just curious.
Overall, I really enjoyed it. Itís good work. Iím eager to see how close (or how far off) I was.
Omg, that had to have been the best poem ever! Keep writing poems, this was very good! I plan on reading more of yours!
Author's Response: Thank you, King of Serpants.
Wow! Seriously wow! That was one the best poems I have ever read in my life, honestly. I just reread it like five times before I decided to stop and review. I actually have no clue who the character could be unless it's like Voldy or Bellatrix, but for some reason I doubt it.
No matter who it's about it's very very good. I especially liked the last Stanza, and especially the last two lines, obviously because it contains the theme of the poem. Very very well written...*goes to put it on favs*.....=)
Author's Response: Thank you very much! It's not Voldy or Bellatrix, although I first wanted to write a poem about Voldy looking into a boggart, but all I could think of that rhymed with boggart was, fart, and somehow it didn't seem appropriate. I do not intend to tell you who it is, unless of course *grins evilly* you wish to tell me who that girl is in Tears of Blood.