I liked this story.I feel sorry for Draco, too, I hope he will turn to the good side and redeem himself.
Wow, this was excellent.
You really find a way to evoke a strong sense of time and place in your writing, and it draws readers in. The description was suberb.
"You don’t question the people that are supposed to love you and have supposedly done everything in the world for you. They don’t mess up, they don’t make mistakes. They’re faultless, and anything they’re blamed for is someone else’s fault. They’re not evil, everyone else is just a goody-goody."
I really like those lines, because they are so insightful and so true... they really sum up the way a child feels about his parents.
Keep writing, this was a pleasure to read. :D
wow...that was really touching. I think you did a really great job and i am so reading the sequel!!
Hi everyone, thanks so much for reviewing!!! It really helps. I've decided to do a follow-up story instead of adding chapters to this, this is ging to stay a one-shot. Please read "All Things Forbidden" when it's up!!! And thanks again, you guys are so inspiring, lol!
aw *sniff* that's so sad! Great story though! since it says it's not completed, can we expect further chapters? *crosses fingers and hopes for more chappies*
sequel would be nice, it was great and very detailed
great and so sad!!!!!
Not planning a sequel?!?!?!?!? come on! this is an amazing story!!!!1 please write another!!!!
Wow, that was… amazing. I just adored this plot, and your descriptions. Mind if I nit-pick for a minute? I really found no big grammar mistakes, but I do have a few stylistic things that I would like to say.
The sun dawned pale and cold on the huge mansion, doing nothing to improve its appearance.
I would use a different word instead of ‘huge’. Perhaps ‘massive’, ‘immense’, or ‘colossal’ or something of the sort. Overall, it just gives a more impressive feeling than ‘huge’.
He looked at his son like he was the weed, the vile unworthy excuse of life that shouldn’t be there. It had hurt.
I loved this simile. It was very original. One thing: I think that you would use a semicolon after weed, instead of a comma.
He closed his cold eyes, so like his parents’, and brushed his hair out of his face, which was also his parents’. But unlike his parents, he didn’t feel the attachment for this place.
What catches me here, is how much you say ‘parents’. I think that it was intended, but if it were me, I would say ‘But unlike them…’ just to show some more variety.
He detested the books and the blackness of it, the loneliness, the abandon.
The books? Hm… that part throws me off guard. The other three things you mention; the blackness, loneliness, and abandon, all relate to each other, and are in a way very profound, and it seems like books is just stuck in there. If you had to mention that he hates the books, maybe that could be it’s own sentence, or you could start a new sentence saying how he hates the physical things about the house, as well as the blackness, etc…
He had what most people dreamed of; wealth, a huge house, servants, parents, private tutors…
Again with the ‘huge’ thing! I would use another synonym. It’s not a bad word, though this piece is rather deep, and I think that you could easily find another word to better represent your whole story.
But he didn’t want any of it. He wanted to go out and play with the boys across the lake, race them across the grass in bare feet and fall over laughing. He wanted to catch the eye of the quiet little girl that watched the boys play, and picked the roses from the garden; the one with the eyes like a deer.
He never did.
I think that you should either combine this last sentence with the previous paragraph, or start a new paragraph. It’s like it’s half joined with the last paragraph. This may just be a typing error, but I think that you should change it so that it fits the rest of the fic well.
They did what they were told, without question. They’re completely and utterly without their own identity, he thought, molded by their parents and shoved around by me.
I think that here, you should italicize when he’s thinking. It seems like you switched tenses, if you don’t.
Look at Weasley.
Here, it’s like you addressed the readers, by telling them to look at Weasley. I think that you should either italicize that, so that Draco is thinking it, or rephrase it.
Even the thought of the name made him sneer, and then he felt repulsed. No matter, it was beyond changing. He was too far in, couldn’t back up. He’d been too far in since that day all those years ago when his father had hurt him just by looking. Just like them now, aren’t I? But I don’t want to be.
Again, I’d italicize.
He hated himself, hated Potter, hated everyone. Hated the people that ignored him, hated the people who loved to taunt him, hated the people he insulted, the Mudbloods and half-breeds, but most of all he hated the man who tried to help him.
Woah, long sentence! I think that theoretically, you should break this up for grammar reasons, but I think that keeping it run-onish makes it powerful in a way. I’d just take the “But most of all he hated the man who tried to help him,” and make it a new sentence.
Trusted that his parents were right because they were his parents.
Here, I would add an ‘only’ or ‘just’ before the because. It seems to make more sense like that.
You don’t question the people that are supposed to love you and have supposedly done everything in the world for you.
Again, you switched to second person perspective. I would say “Draco didn’t…” so you keep it in third person.
They don’t mess up, they don’t make mistakes. They’re faultless, and anything they’re blamed for is someone else’s fault.
I think you should change this to: “They don’t mess up, they don’t make mistakes. They’re faultless, and anything they’re blamed for is someone else’s error.” Because then you won’t use fault twice so close together.
The world was at war, and he was a part of it. He didn’t know which side would win, but realized he was on the wrong side and would probably die on that side.
Again, you use the words twice two close together. I would change this to something like: “The world was at war, and he was a part of it. He didn’t know which side would win, but realized he was on the wrong side and would probably die where he was,” so not to use ‘side’ twice.
Opening his eyes to the cold room, the immaculately clean room.
This doesn’t make much sense. I would say “He opened his eyes…” because this isn’t a complete thought, if you don’t.
I really liked that, despite my minor grammar corrections. I think that you capture Draco perfectly; what he was thinking, how he felt afterwards… I really liked that. It was wonderfully written. Great job!