Is this about Neville?
Author's Response: I think so - it's been a while since I wrote it, but I think that's who I had in mind! Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed it! ~Gina :)
This is the review to nominate this poem for the RQSQ award.
I have always loved reading stories about Lockhart and how always manages to screw with the lives of everyone around him. Also, I think putting it into poem format. Something about it just would have the same feel if it were in a oneshot format.
Overall, it was very entertaining, certainly worthy of the RQSQ for Best Poem.
Author's Response: Wow, thank you so much, Olive Oil! I really appreciate you not only reading this and reviewing it, but also nominating it! SQUEE! I'm glad you enjoyed it, I was on a ballad kick when I wrote it and had a lot of fun with it. Thanks again! *turnip hug* ~Gina :)
I'm so glad the boy found someone else at the end. Very well written. Thanks for sharing.
Author's Response: You are welcome! I'm glad you enjoyed it! Thanks for reading it and leaving a review, I appreciate it!! ~Gina :)
OMG that was so cute. And kinda sad, but really really good. Wonderful poem!
Author's Response: Oh, but it ends happy! Thanks so much for reading and reviewing, I'm glad you enjoyed it!! ~Gina :)
might i ask who the boy and girl are? harry and cho?
Author's Response: Actually, that would sort of fit, wouldn't it? But the boy is Neville, and the girl is just some nameless student. Thank you for reading this poem, I hope you liked it! I appreciate the review, thanks again!! ~Gina :)
Alright, since you have been so nice as to critique my poetry, I have decided to return the favour. First of all, I must say that I was impressed by the way you made this poem work. It had a very unusual structure, six lines and an ABCBDB rhyme scheme. I haven’t read many six-lined poems before but I have tried writing them and therefore I know how difficult it is. Nevertheless, you have managed to not only write it but keep up a constant plot within this structure.
I’ll start off by commenting on the plot first, it was a perfect bit of valentine fun and a rather light read. You began well and you dealt with the issues of love and rejection very nicely indeed. The plot was pretty constant, however, I think you need to work on the ending a bit. It was too anti-climatic for me and you need to show rather than tell there. Maybe you should add a bit more on to that? Rather than just saying that they had a son and daughter, show us how they met and how this new relationship was different from the first catastrophe.
Now about characterisation, I must say you have done a marvelous job in this aspect.
It was in the Hall with Lockhart that
The students first were told:
“Flitwick knows Enchanting spells,
A wonder to behold!
Professor Snape brews love potions.
Just ask him, if you’re bold.”
I love how you have tied this whole poem in with cannon by weaving in a few cannon characters. Lockhart seems to be his usual obnoxious self, adding small details like winks is a cheerful touch as JKR herself as exhibited. I also like the way he gave the boy a personally autographed book, seems like a thing he would do. Now Flitwick, I thought about him for a while and I decided that you have kept him in character as well since we don’t know much about him from the books. I always pictured him to be a bit excitable and you have shown that. I like how he blushed when he was asked about love spells, once again it ties in with cannon. Let’s talk about Snape for a bit, shall we? In the beginning, I thought you had his character down fairly well. I could imagine his disgust when asked about a love potion. Of course he wouldn’t be as enthusiastic as Lockhart. However, later on in the poem I noticed that he was actually paying attention to the relationship. Particularly in this paragraph-
Lockhart smiled then clapped his hands,
And Flitwick joined the round.
Snape just rolled his eyes and jeered,
Disgusted by the sound.
The boy grinned broad and walked away,
His love now finally found.
I don’t think that Snape was ever one for the day. He probably would have just ignored the relationship or he would have shown a rather condescending attitude towards it. I don’t think he could care less about what happens to a student who is not in his house.
Now, I shall be picking out some of the more prominent stanzas and offering you a bit of critique on them-
He loved a girl, so fair and true,
Who did not know his name;
Her eyes were blue, like twinkling stars,
Her hair a long dark frame
Around a face so beautiful
It set his heart aflame.
In my mind, I think this is positively the most beautiful paragraph in the entire poem. Maybe it’s just because I am a sucker for description, but it perfectly describes the girl or rather how the boy sees her. It has beautiful imagery and you have used the power of the simile very well.
The boy was sad, his heart was broke;
He slowly walked away.
Snape laughed cruel, and Flitwick frowned
To see the boy’s dismay.
Lockhart ran out after him
To try and save the day.
Alright, here the first line seems a bit off- I mean, of course you have poetic license but I really do think you can use ‘broken’ instead of ‘broke’ at the end of the first line since it doesn’t contribute to the rhyme scheme. You will have the attribute of being grammatically correct; however, it will disrupt the meter a teensy bit. The decision is up to you- do you want to follow an absolutely rigid meter or do you want a better word choice?
The boy grew up, both brave and true,
And overcame great strife.
Then he met a lovely girl
Who soon became his wife.
They had a son and daughter,
And they lived a happy life.
As I have already commented on this paragraph from the POV of plot, I shall look at it from the poetical point of view now. This whole paragraph flows really well except for the fifth line. There is something strange about that which I can’t quite figure out, it doesn’t fit in with the rest of the paragraph. Maybe you should change it to something shorter and more rhythmic?
Overall, I found this piece to be quite fun. Even though it had an awkward word choice in some places, it was a nice read. Keep it up!
Author's Response: Oh my! Wendelin - thank you SO MUCH for the amazing review!! *squee* And a SPEW review no less - thankyouthankyou! I really appreciate you reading this little piece. I wrote it for a Valentine's activity in Ravenclaw. The prompt was to write about that Valentine's Day in CoS when Lockhart encourages all the students to ask Snape and Flitiwick for love potions and charms. That's one reason it ends the way it does; in fact, I added that last stanza just to wrap it up and give it a happy ending! I suppose I could always write a sequel. ;) I'm glad you enjoyed the little story this poem told. Could you tell who it was about? :) Thank you so much for your compliments, as well as your suggestions! I'll be sure to keep them in mind for the sequel - or at least for my next ballad. ;) Thanks again for the great review - and congrats on getting into SPEW! *turnip hug* ~Gina :)
Well, I saw this in your signature, and since it's Valentine's Day...
Wow! Your control over flow and word choice and rhythm and rhyme is really, really nice! :D I'm incredibly jealous over the way this ballad just seems to flow from the tip of my tongue quite perfectly.
*sigh* I rather wonder who this poor boy is? But you demonstrate the helpless heartbreak of a first rejected crush. It's rather terrible, and you portray it wonderfully!
*snuggles poem* Perfect for Valentine's Day - and I adore happy endings!
Author's Response: Hi Kumy! Thank you so much for the review! Happy Valentine's Day!! The boy I had in mind as I was writing this was Neville - so of course I had to give him a happy ending. =) I'm so glad you liked it. Thank you for all your compliments! And thank you for coming to read this ballad! *turnip hug* ~Gina :)
That was so sweet! I loved it, but I always love your stories. As obvious as this may sound, your rhyming was ingenious. The happy ending was very fitting, too. Great job and Happy Valentine's Day!
Author's Response: Hi there! Thanks so much for stopping to read this fluffy little piece, I'm really glad you liked it. I had a lot of fun with it, especially with the six line stanzas. I'm glad you liked the ending, I thought it would be nice to show things turned out well in the end. Who do you think it was about?? Thanks again for reading this and for the lovely review - Happy Valentine's Day to you as well! ~Gina :)
I really like this poem! That first girl is truly cold hearted, to accept the gifts with no thought to the boy who gave them. :( Your rhyming and rhythum were great! I was chanting away as I read this. I am glad that the boy finally found a girl worthy of his love! ;)
Author's Response: Hi Cyns! Thank you so much for reading this! *squee* I'm thrilled the rhyme and rhythm worked for you, you never now how someone else might read it. I chant it too, and can almost "hear" it as a song, lol. That first girl really is mean, isn't she? But he found true love in the end - who do you think he is?? Thanks again for reading this and leaving such a wonderful review!! *turnip hug* ~Gina :)
Oh, NICE! I can see the whole scene happening! But I am glad you let us know it did not ruin him for life....
Author's Response: Hi there, Prof! Thank you so much for stopping to read this. I'm glad you liked it and could picture it happening, I wanted it to read like a story. Who do you think the boy was?? =) Thanks for leaving such a lovely review, I really appreciate it! ~Gina :)
This is an adorable poem. It is so well done. The imagery is conveyed so well.
Author's Response: Thank you so much! I had a lot of fun with it once the idea came to me. Thanks for stopping to read it, and for leaving such a nice review!! ~Gina :)