I am astonished that i haven't yet reviewed this work of art yet... because i read it soo much...but i have to congratulate you on this..im working on a fic that resembles this fic(not that i copied anything of your...) but its done in the same way...i just absoluetley love the random bits of poem hidden in the fic itself..absolutuely amazing..im going to go back and reread it agian...keep up the fab work sweetie :)
I have to admit that I had no idea who the story was talking about after I first read it. At one time I thought maybe Draco, but that couldn’t be because it talks about a prophecy, so I fleetingly thought it was Harry, but he just didn’t fit the picture of the character you paint either. Then I read it was Voldemort in one of your reviews and went back to reread the story, and now, knowing who the character is and reading it for the second time, I found a whole bunch of clues that point towards him and exclude any other character, but even though they are not hidden per say, it’s hard to make them out at first.
Not that that’s a bad thing, it actually makes readers slow down and pay attention to every sentence carefully in hope of finding a clue as to the character’s identity. But I could imagine that there are some people out there who would be terribly confused and stop reading the story halfway through if they haven’t found out who the character is yet. I personally liked the secret identity thing very much.
Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation. - Oscar Wilde I liked this quote a lot, it sets the mood for the story even before the actual story begins. It also fits very well with Voldemort’s realization that there are no choices, just destiny, because in a way destiny forms people then and they are not themselves anymore.
I like your writing style and your imagery, especially your use of colours. The story is beautifully dark and effortless prose, but sometimes I felt that some of your sentences were too long and would have had a greater effect if you had made two or three shorter ones out of them, instead of one long sentence.
No, he doesn’t know the meaning of the word, insanity is for the people who lock themselves in cages and look out at the world through windows, insanity is for the people whose eyes are barely slits of a fiery red. This sentence is such a case. I would divide this in at least two sentences. The first should in my opinion end before you explain who ‘insanity is for’ and just include that he doesn’t know the meaning of insanity. That way this statement becomes more weight and the reader notices it more. Then, if you want to only make two sentences, I would replace the comma before the second ‘insanity’ with a semicolon. If you wanted to you could also begin a new sentence here.
The blue betrays innocence, the child-like innocence of which we dream about on a summery day when may blossoms float in the air, first this way, then that way, never really belonging anywhere. You don’t need two prepositions in the bolded part of this letter. It’s either ‘innocence of which we dream’ or ‘innocence we dream about’. Using both is redundant and as far as I know, even a grammar mistake.
Intriguing story. I usually don’t read stories solely about Voldemort, but I really enjoyed this one.
Wow, what a dark piece. I think you’ve done several things pretty well here – your extensive vocabulary, your use of colour imagery, and keeping the main character unknown for the entirety of the fic. There are some very beautiful words strewn throughout the text, some haunting, some perfect, some jarring. And the colours – ooh, they change all over the place! I was also confused right to the very end who this fic was about. At first I thought it was Sirius, but the red eyes and the mention of a Muggle school make me think this is about Voldemort. And I think that must be right, given the other reviews here.
However, there are also a few things that just didn’t sit right with me. While your vocabulary is indeed impressive, I wonder how much of it is strictly necessary. It seems like a lot of it is there for effect, or for looking more complicated than it really is. This could just be me, but I was really struggling to understand a lot of the metaphors and similes you used. Sometimes simpler is better, and it takes wisdom to know when to cut out excess flowery language. It is good to have a balance of simple and complicated in a narrative.
Also, I’m catching a lot of dropped commas. There are way too many for me to list here, but the missing commas changes the meaning of some of the sentences. You might want to go back through and check for that, or find a really picky beta to help you out.
And wow, reading back through this, I’m struck again by just how dark the piece is. I can really sense the anguish and turmoil the main character is going through. Some of your lines, like ”falls down with an empty cry that reverberates throughout his skull like a thousand voices screaming when the only voice shouting is his own.” … wow. That’s beautiful. I also really like the pieces of poetry sprinkled in there. It’s a nice touch. Great work!
I have to start out by saying that I love the Oscar Wilde quote, and it emphasizes what you’ve done with this story perfectly.
The world just seems like an endless sea of a dull grey, and every slanted ray of light shimmers once, twice, and then never, or is it forever?
This is simply gorgeous; deep and lovely and very evocative.
Behave, or there will be no supper for you.
This is an incredible line; emotive and speaks to the dark place in everyone’s mind.
…but it is veiled by some false facade,
I hate to pick, but isn’t false façade a little contradictory? Or are you attempting to use a double negative for effect?
So he teeters for a moment and then turns back. But the world is turning with him,
This story is just full of so much fantastic imagery, but this one, I think, is my favourite like of the whole fabulous piece.
This is just so emotive and dark, and I love how much you really have to think, and its just so easy to fall into the stream of consciousness you’ve created.
We have no choice in who we are, he thinks. Its destiny. It’s no longer a matter of our decisions, or whether we even make the right ones. It’s just how we face up to the choices we haven’t made.
This is just a brilliant way to close. And that last line? Guh. Just, guh.
Author's Response: Guh right back at you! *Hugs Janis to a point beyond infinity*
Wow, this is so dark and beautifully written! I'm really impressed by your portrayal of Voldemort's fall. There are very surreal lines, combined with pointed ones, to get the meaning across. insanity is for the people whose eyes are barely slits of a fiery red. Insanity is not for him. I like how in the beginning he questions himself, but doesn't really believe for a moment that he's insane. And then this part was my absolute favorite: When one man realises who he really is, not who he wants to be but who he is, it is at that point the world stops. Then it turns around, no more than a stage for the man to live his life as a fallacy and any moment he expects someone to say that it is up, he can stop acting now. Wow... that line is simply brilliant, especially in the context of Voldemort's story. And the eyes, of course, are a perfect and true-to-canon way to symbolize his madness.
As for concrit, I would suggest capitalizing "may" here: when may blossoms float in the air. Also, I'ma bit confused on this part: he realizes that he is standing on the very brink of insanity and behind him is a safe world, a grey, boring world yet a safe one and ahead of him is an abyss where every shout and scream is lost in a flutter of the wind, faded away into the dull normalcy and monotony of the shadows. I'm not understanding how the abyss opposes the safe world, since even in the abyss of madness, there is dull normalcy and monotony. Is that to suggest that everything is dull to him, that it's hard to distinguish the madness from normal life? Or am I just not getting it? :)
Congrats on a lovely, poetic fic. You, my girl, do darkness well!
Author's Response: Oh yes, you got it alright. It did suggest that everything is dull to him and light and darkness makes absolutely no difference. Thank you for the review!
I like how you used his eyes to portray the level of his insanity. It was really original and very good, I'm glad I read it. Usually I don't read ficcies about Voldiemort ( yes I know it's Voldemort but that's just my pet name for him, that and Voldie), but I didn't know this one was about Voldie at first, needless to say I was happily surprised, that and a million other adjectives tacked on! Good ones too!
haste la bye bye!
~ Fae ~
Author's Response: I love Voldy too! *Wraps Voldie in protective pink fluff*
I think this is a really good one-shot, Wendelin! It really succeeded in portraying Voldemort well; it's a very philosophical piece, I guess you could say.
This was from the "Challenge a Gryff" thread on the forums, wasn't it? (If not, just completely ignore by sleepy brain's ramblings.)
Oh, I just don't know what I want to say about this story. It's so wonderful, I can't seem to find the right words to express my awe with it.
My favourite part was the way it was told, I guess, what with the poem separating the sections and all. I like how you brought Voldemort through time, really, showing his changes and such without actually coming right out and telling what was happening.
In short, this was a very good piece of writing, and I applaud you on a job well done.
And now, I'm going to quit rambling now.
Author's Response: No! Don't quit rambling! Studies show that it is actually quite good for your sanity. Thank you for the wonderful review!
Colorful and slightly philophetic (this isn't a word, is it? Meaning having to do with philosophy... In my little world, anyways). A nice insight into Violdemort's life. Great job!
Author's Response: I believe the word is philosphical, But bleh, you should ask Remus. Thank you for reading my fic!