Reviewer: Dory_the_Fishie
Date: 09/30/07 19:26
Chapter: Chapter 1

HmmÖthis is an interesting fic. Your style is very poetic; reminds me a bit of my own, except you employ more direct poetry. Iím not sure Iím a huge fan of the poetry stuck in here, but thatís just a personal preference. Itís all placed well, I think.

The only thing about your style is that I found it difficult to follow at times (which is sort of lame coming from me, but there it is). I thought there were some run-ons that went beyond a stylistic disregard of the rules and ventured into confusion-land. Perhaps some more strategically placed commas would have helped. For example, this sentence: It is an act of pure selfishness, to see him pushing his long hair out of his eyes and inviting her in, when all she does is stand outside and watch how his mother pointedly ignores the both of them, how Regulus always seems to be lurking at the foot of the stairs looking at her and Sirius with what might well be hero-worship and how Sirius in his single act of defiance is turning his back to them all. ItísÖquite lengthy. But itís even the length that I mind so much; itís just that by the end I have trouble remembering what Iím reading about. Besides some more commas, I think maybe you should try experimenting with parentheses more often, especially since I think it could really add to your poetic style. That sentence in particular was one I thought could use some reconstructing.

Overall, I like the idea of this. The dying theme was nice. I particularly liked the line about Sirius getting his heroís death. I did, however, find this piece a little disjointed at points. Like it didnít all connect. You start off with the line about every hero dying a tragic death, but then you sort of start talking about Sirius and Andromeda, and then you go to Siriusís death, andÖI donít know. This probably isnít making sense. I just felt like this didnít come together as coherently as it could or should have.

So yes. I think I would have enjoyed this more if it had been clearer in some places. I felt like perhaps the style was inhibiting more than enhancing, but that with some fine-tuning you could have a really quality piece here.

Reviewer: Ritter
Date: 05/10/07 17:11
Chapter: Chapter 1

Wow, very nice story. Great job!

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