What a nice one-shot. The quality of writing was good, and the details interesting, though sometimes they became a little tedious. The mood of this story was very appropriate; there wasn't one dominant theme, but rather a smattering of thoughts and incidents and emotions, just like most people's days are composed of. A well-deserved first place!
Author's Response: Thank you! :)
I agree with the other reviewers, this and the companion story are both marvellously written. Luna and Ollivander being related is a new idea to me, but you've certainly made it work very well. I completely didn't notice how the story of Helen fitted so exactly with the canon about Luna's mother until another reviewer pointed it out!
Author's Response: Thank you so much!
That was amazing! Wow! Luna being Ollivander's daughter! The thought of that is just so perfect! The part about her mother at the end was so sad! You really know how to make your writing very believable! Great job!
Author's Response: Thanks! If you enjoyed this, there's a companion piece called, A Father's Love. Thanks for the review :)
I ended up clicking on your profile just because Hypatia of Alexandria is so cool, and I was quite pleased to see that you also like math. There are so few math people in the fandom, itís rather wonderful to find another one. I also happen to really like Mr. Ollivander, so when I saw that youíd written a story about him I simply had to read it. Iím glad I did!
I canít say the idea that Luna could be Mr. Ollivanderís granddaughter is new to me, but usually Iíve seen it as a convenient plot device or side story within a story centered on the trio or occasionally the group of six. I really like the family youíve drawn for our mysterious wand maker, and itís great that youíve included Luna in it. Stories about Ollivander are pretty rare, anyway; I can only think of one other story specifically about him, and itís very different from yours. I really like the relationship youíve drawn between the two of them, and that youíve done it from his perspective makes it even more special.
Your punctuation and grammar are generally pretty good, but youíve left off the periods after the abbreviation ďMr.Ē I know itís sometimes considered acceptable to leave it off, but not in fiction; using the more literary (and formal) punctuation shows more respect for your own work.
My biggest criticism is that a lot of your descriptions come off more as telling than as showing. Not badly so, but enough that I noticed it and that it could be improved. Itís hard to do, but perhaps you could experiment with minor changes to make it sound less like a description of Mr. Ollivanderís thoughts and more like him voicing them? As it is, I feel like weíre teetering on the edge between seeing what heís thinking and observing him externally. Given this particular story, I think youíd want to go in the direction of showing whatís going on inside of his head, as so much of the story is internal. Itís hard to explain, especially since youíre already part way there, butÖ Maybe you could make his thoughts more his? Imbue his thoughts and the details he notices more with his personality?
I really liked the letter he wrote to Hagrid ĖĖ Iíve spent some time pondering whether or not Mr. Ollivander is in fact aware of Hagridís pink umbrella, and whether it was Ollivander or Dumbledore who actually put it together. I always enjoy reading other peopleís takes on that one!
Also, I especially loved your descriptions of how wands are created and of how raw materials are collected. They make both the process of wand creation and Mr. Ollivanderís life seem more real, I think, yet cause neither of them to loose their mystical quality. Quite a fine line to walk, I think, and a testament to your writing. Once again, I really enjoyed reading this, and I would of course enjoy reading more about your Ollivander should you ever have the time and inclination to write about him.
Author's Response: Wow! Like I said before, my favourite type of review is the nice and long kind. Originally I had used ďMr.Ē however, I noticed that the Harry Potter books (well, the editions I have anyway) donít have the period at the end. Being a math major without the first clue concerning English grammar, I decided to follow the booksí example despite the protests of Microsoft Word. As to your second suggestion, Iím afraid it will have to wait until I get a few more chapters of one of my other stories written. Iím thrilled that you enjoyed the wand making process as I was worried about how it came across. Thank you again for your wonderfully long review!
Oh, excellent! Such a multi-layered story that meshes so well with canon. I had wondered, reading, if his granddaughter would be a character we were familiar with, and although I hadn't thought of Luna, as soon as I read her name, I knew it couldn't be anyone else. If Ollivander ended up trying to pick up his daughter's experiments, it would certainly explain Death Eaters coming after him, or an escape into hiding. This was truly entertaining, and well-written. Although I am usually adament about not continuing stories that have obviously ended, I think there were a great many ideas brought up here that deserve further exploring. I'm off now to see what else you have written. Awesome job on this one.
Author's Response: Wow! I hardly know what to say. This my my favourite type of review; nice and long! I'd like to be able to say that I will definitely write more on the Ollivander family, but as I don't quite have enough to put together a full plot yet, it's still on the back burner. Thanks again for the lovely review!
wow. I got shivers from reading this. I wonder how luna feels when he dissappears during her fifth year?
Author's Response: Thanks for the review! I'm still hoping Mr Ollivander went into hiding, rather than benig captured, but I guess I'll have to wait another two months to find out. I'm also hoping that it turns out that Luna really is related to him.
A very touching and realistic story. It was a day I can certainly imagine Ollivander having, and you fleshed him out well. I really like that you made Luna his grandaughter. It certainly makes sense! It was also an excellent idea to have his daughter experimenting with wands. That fits canon and your story. Lovely! Good luck on the challenge.
Author's Response: Thank you very much for your review! I'm glad you enjoyed the story!
Wow!!! That was so good!!! I love how you took a character that no one really thinks about and developed him so well. It was awesome, AND it made me laugh!!!
Author's Response: *Blushes profusely* Thank you so much, I definitely had fun writing it!
Ahhh...that was sweet :-) I love the idea of Luna being his granddaughter - it seems most fitting. I hope you write more about these characters!
Author's Response: Thank you! I've wanted to write something to relate them ever since noticing their eyes are described so similarly. Hopefully, another plot bunny will hop along and I'll be able to write more about them!