I ended up clicking on your profile just because Hypatia of Alexandria is so cool, and I was quite pleased to see that you also like math. There are so few math people in the fandom, it’s rather wonderful to find another one. I also happen to really like Mr. Ollivander, so when I saw that you’d written a story about him I simply had to read it. I’m glad I did!
I can’t say the idea that Luna could be Mr. Ollivander’s granddaughter is new to me, but usually I’ve seen it as a convenient plot device or side story within a story centered on the trio or occasionally the group of six. I really like the family you’ve drawn for our mysterious wand maker, and it’s great that you’ve included Luna in it. Stories about Ollivander are pretty rare, anyway; I can only think of one other story specifically about him, and it’s very different from yours. I really like the relationship you’ve drawn between the two of them, and that you’ve done it from his perspective makes it even more special.
Your punctuation and grammar are generally pretty good, but you’ve left off the periods after the abbreviation “Mr.” I know it’s sometimes considered acceptable to leave it off, but not in fiction; using the more literary (and formal) punctuation shows more respect for your own work.
My biggest criticism is that a lot of your descriptions come off more as telling than as showing. Not badly so, but enough that I noticed it and that it could be improved. It’s hard to do, but perhaps you could experiment with minor changes to make it sound less like a description of Mr. Ollivander’s thoughts and more like him voicing them? As it is, I feel like we’re teetering on the edge between seeing what he’s thinking and observing him externally. Given this particular story, I think you’d want to go in the direction of showing what’s going on inside of his head, as so much of the story is internal. It’s hard to explain, especially since you’re already part way there, but… Maybe you could make his thoughts more his? Imbue his thoughts and the details he notices more with his personality?
I really liked the letter he wrote to Hagrid –– I’ve spent some time pondering whether or not Mr. Ollivander is in fact aware of Hagrid’s pink umbrella, and whether it was Ollivander or Dumbledore who actually put it together. I always enjoy reading other people’s takes on that one!
Also, I especially loved your descriptions of how wands are created and of how raw materials are collected. They make both the process of wand creation and Mr. Ollivander’s life seem more real, I think, yet cause neither of them to loose their mystical quality. Quite a fine line to walk, I think, and a testament to your writing. Once again, I really enjoyed reading this, and I would of course enjoy reading more about your Ollivander should you ever have the time and inclination to write about him.
Author's Response: Wow! Like I said before, my favourite type of review is the nice and long kind. Originally I had used “Mr.” however, I noticed that the Harry Potter books (well, the editions I have anyway) don’t have the period at the end. Being a math major without the first clue concerning English grammar, I decided to follow the books’ example despite the protests of Microsoft Word.
As to your second suggestion, I’m afraid it will have to wait until I get a few more chapters of one of my other stories written. I’m thrilled that you enjoyed the wand making process as I was worried about how it came across. Thank you again for your wonderfully long review!
