This was...well, really cool! What else can I say?
The poem has a precise, building sort of intensity that was mirrored well in the way you arranged the poem. It's intriguing to think one incident in Sirius Black's childhood affected the outcome of the war against Voldemort, and I wish it was longer, but you don't need more to make your point.
Erm...oh yeah, last bit of the "nail" section, there's a typo--an extra "n"--in "Rosier". I think that's the only think I noticed.
Oooh, I love these sort of butterfly effect stories. Change one thing, change everything. It's strange how the smallest action can have the hugest consequences when time is added, and you've demonstrated that wonderfully here.
It's been a while since the last time I've enjoyed a story this much. It was a very nice way of turning the events from Harry to the other obvious alternative, Neville. I also liked how you kept the focus on Sirius. It seems like you see Sirius as the key to the events concerning the Potters, right? I like this approach, because it's a nice alteration from the obvious characters one would expect the weight to be shifted upon: I'd expect either Wormtail or Snape, as most writers tend to go for; or Neville as the focus of the story. But using Sirius gives the reader a sense of sideways glance at the events.
I also like the pragmatic order; counting down to the nail. It's a very masterful anology.
I understand that this is a one-shot challenge entry (Let me guess, did Kumy's nudges play a part in the writing of this?;) , but if you've had the time, I think this story would develop into a complete wonder if you'd work on it a bit more, and deeped it. I mean, I felt that some parts are quite shallow; if you'd elaborate with maybe some more dialogue, as if to take a few more sentences to establish the settings more soundly... But anyway, it is very interesting and enjoyable as it is, and I think you've a great change for being placed in the challenge.
Best of luck!
Author's Response: Hey Ayse!
Thanks for the suggestion. I'll try to add more scenes before the deadline ... (which is tomorrow).
*Laugh* No Our dear cheerleader Kumy is entirely innocent on this one. I was just browsing the archive and noticed that there's an entry for every house except my beloved Gryffindor. So took one of my favourite poem (which coincidentally fits the challenge) and wrote an entry.
^_^ You actually gave me too much credit for choosing Sirius. Sirius was simply just the easiest character for me to write and he does have that mean streak that reminds me somewhat of Draco so Slytherin.
Thanks for that great review and suggestions :)
I don't know if it's actually from A Wrinkle In Time, but she's the author of that series and many other books. It could be from any of them, but I must say that she's a very good children's book author.
Author's Response: Well it turns out that although this poem was indeed used in her works ... it was actually written by an unknown writer during the medieval times ... I've got to correct this. :)
Fantastic! I agree with most of your assumptions here. My only criticism is that you didn't capitalize The Boy Who Lived as in the books.
Author's Response: Thanks. I'll correct that :)
I like the flowing and paragraph structure. I also like how you broke it up into parts and added the narration in. I can tell that you spent a lot of time on it. I also love the Madeleine L'Engle quote. I'm a huge A Wrinkle In Time fan. Anyway, I really enjoyed it! :)
Author's Response: you know I didn't even know that it came from a book ... *lol* I just loved that poem when I read that. Thanks for telling me this. Now I know I'll have to read that...
great story!! i love the quote!!
Author's Response: I know what you mean that poem caught me the first time I read it as well. It just fits perfectly in an AU story.