Ah, so beautiful! At first, I thought Sirius was Snape, but came to realize who it really was. I loved the idea of the box! I'm curious as to what Lily was hiding in hers... Maybe you could write a viewpoint of hers and her secrets? I would really enjoy it! ;) this was simply magnificent. Good job!
I really only have two things to criticize:
First was this line " Instead, he let his mind wander almost as much - if not more than – his body", what it should have been is this - " Instead, he let his mind wander almost as much – if not more - than his body"
The second thing I have to critique is this " easier, for the most part. It was simple, he knew. There was no reason" It should have been written as " easier. For the most part, it was simple. He knew there was no reason"
But other than that I can't really see any problems with the fan-fiction. In fact, this is a really well written piece. Your writing skills are truly amazing. You leave nothing to be desired.
Beautifully written. I've not read a relationship between Sirius or Lily like this before, but I enjoyed it greatly :)
The connection between Lily and Sirius makes sense here. Their relationship doesn't last beyond the kiss, but it was a kiss they both needed. I love the way you describe it:
It was a brief kiss, like one that is shared more between close friends than actual lovers, but it was enough for that night.
I was a little hesitant about reading a Sirius/Lily fic, but you wrote it exactly as it should be. This was beautiful.
Oh, Sirius and Lily! I adore these two characters together in fics, and I was glad to see them as the focus of this piece.
This fic starts out really well, I think. The way you set things up, describe the setting, introduce Sirius – it’s just well-written. I had a bit of fun at first trying to figure who the character was (initially I thought perhaps Remus…at least I was in the right era!), and I was pleasantly surprised to see it was Sirius. I thought Sirius was wonderfully in character, which is something hard to come by if you ask me. I loved his…lack of motivation to change people’s perceptions about him, his desire for simplicity. It just seemed very Sirius to me, so excellent job. Pretending and hiding made things a great deal easier, for the most part. Nice line, that.
I wasn’t as impressed with the characterization of Lily, unfortunately. However, that’s not to say I was unimpressed (I was just really pleased with Sirius). You succeeded in not making Lily suspiciously similar to Hermione and/or Ginny, which is refreshing.
After Sirius and Lily initially recognize each other, Sirius calls Lily ‘Evans.’ But then, Lily calls Sirius by his first name. It’s little things like this that say a lot about characterization, to me. I think Lily still would have called Sirius ‘Black’ at that point. It isn’t a huge thing, but for me Lily accepted Sirius as Sirius too soon. I think they both would have been more closed for a while before accepting each other as someone other than a sort of enemy. That said, I do think you wrote Lily very well as her own character, so kudos and thank you for that.
The whole box idea was neat and well-incorporated, I thought. I particularly liked Sirius’s comparisons of Lily’s box to his aunt’s. That was a great way to give a look at Sirius’s thoughts about his family and to emphasize the differences between Lily and the Blacks. I also liked the questions Sirius had in his mind for Lily. He desperately wants to know about her, and it’s just a very lovely part of his character.
“You have secrets, Sirius,” she whispered… Oh, what a great line! That was fabulous. Much love for that line.
I just have one last comment. I’m wondering about the setting of this; well, really only the time. I’m not sure they’re the right ages here, at fifteen, for this moment between them. On the one hand, I like that it’s right before Sirius leaves his parents’ house, but I just feel like fifteen is wrong. Quite possibly that makes zero sense, but I guess I just might’ve liked to see this moment set in their sixth year, when they’re just a bit older. I would say seventh, but we know James starts dating Lily by then, and I can’t see Sirius kissing Lily if James were dating her.
This was a really lovely little piece, though. I quite enjoyed it, great work!
I enjoyed you story immensely. The narrative ran smoothly from start to finish. The slow introduction of the main character was very well done. I was wondering who he was right up until the revelation.
I liked your choice to look past the stereo-typed portrayals of these two characters. There is so much behind the manufactured image everyone makes for themselves. I think you unveiled a much deeper side to them, and you did it well.
I really have no critiques to offer. Keep writing (I hardly have to tell you that, lol) and keep exploring new depths of plot and characterization.
By the way, I found this story through the banner in your signature.
Um, Megan? You've reached the epitome of genius, here. (I mean, besides Chris Crutcher...O_O)
Your imagery was awesome. The opening paragraph was the most amazing thing I've ever read. You could give Tolkien a run for his money.
I love your characterisation of Sirius. It was horribly in-character. You could always tell that he was hiding a bit behind what he did, but you never read a fic where it's displayed. His family issues seem to really mean more to him than meets the eye here, and I like it. He isn't just a reckless prankster with no sense.
This is a true masterpiece. One of my favorite characters (and lovers :P) is Sirius, and it's so hard to find someone to write him in an in-character setting.
Thanks for writing this, Megan!
sheesh kid. you've managed to amaze me again. I felt myself getting lost in this story; like I felt the silence, the feeling that Sirius and Lily shared. You do a wonderful job of making things tangible, love. I really liek this one-shot. :]
Author's Response: Thank you, Nikki! I'm thrilled that you like it, and I love your comments. Thanks for the review!
Whatever review I leave will be truly inadequate, because this is definitely one of the most beautiful and perfect fics I have ever read. But I'll try to make it good. :D
I love the use of the quotes, both at the beginning and the end. They really tie in well to the story and really made me think, which doesn't happen nearly enough in the world of fanfiction.
Your description is enviable, truly, to someone who can't write description to save her life. I love how, at the beginning, there was a great deal of description and, also, the fact that you didn't come right out and say it was Sirius. I knew it was him, because I followed a recommendation for a Sirius/Lily fic, but it was very nicely done.
I've always thought Sirius had a great deal of depth to him, and I love how you portray him. He's perfectly in character, and he has that darker side which I think he truly does have. I've always imagined him like this — to have secrets he never tells anyone, even James. It's interesting to think that by the time he's sixteen he did run away from home. Your fic makes it seem like Lily and her box had something to do with it. Anyway, Sirius is my favourite character and it was so nice to see him written like this.
Speaking of characterisation, I love how you write Lily's character as well. On the surface, I think she would have seemed too perfect, but I've always seen her a bit like Hermione, in that she has a lot of insecurities, as much as she might seem like the too-perfect golden girl at first.
I love the use of the box; it's very original. A secret box? It's definitely ingenious.
I also love (I'm now beginning to feel like I'm gushing) how Lily knows he keeps secrets. It really just seems like she would, doesn't it? She's so perceptive in this fic, and I love that. This line in particular struck me: How was it possible that in one night, in one conversation, one girl was able to destroy it? It's so poignant, this romance is. It's built on understanding, which is a perfect beginning for a romance.
The kiss was adorable, and I love your description of it. As a huge Sirius/Lily fan, I really wanted the romance to triumph and the kiss to be more than that, but I can understand why it wasn't, and still loved it.
So, all in all, I'd have to say this is one of my all-time favourite fics. Do you have any other Sirius/Lily fics? I'd love to read them if you do; there aren't enough fics of that ship out there.
Thanks so much for writing this perfect fic!
Author's Response: Thanks, snuffles2984.
Wow. This was amazing, and I loved every moment of reading it.
Author's Response: Thank you, dumblegrawp. I'm glad you enjoyed this fic!
Carpy. Sorry to be so harsh, but it definitely wasn't the best story I've ever read.
Author's Response: Well, you're free to have your own opinion, that's for sure. But, what was it you weren't that fond of, by any chance?
That was a really sweet amd touching story. A job well done.=Sammy
Author's Response: Oh, thank you, Sammy. Glad to hear that!
Lovely story! The romance between them was simple, but very fitting. I agree - everybody has secrets, and you build walls around these secrets. And nothing weighs more heavily on you.
You might have wanted to show them doing something with the box tho... just a thought!
Author's Response: Hello, Pissenoffanis. Thanks so much for the review, and I'm glad to hear you liked it.
Secrets, yes ... very heavy on a person, especially if your secrets are like Sirius's ;) . As for the box, it was really there as more of a symbolism bit than an actual plot point of the story.
Author's Response: Thank you, La_Rubinita.
It was a cute story. You did a good job of beginning your story in a way that sounded slightly poetic and flows gracefully. I, myself, find that I do the same thing to begin stories or chapters but it always seems to bother me when writers continue that technique all the way through. Not only does it become obnoxious to me because the descriptions and style are no longer original, but it makes it harder for me to enjoy the story.
That was one of the main negative things. I really liked how you kept us guessing up until a certain point who the boy was. I was leaning toward Severus until you said he was always laughing and hiding behind the laughing. Then I knew it was Sirius. But good job on that. I always enjoy a bit of mystery.
Going back to another negative: I personally feel that you gave Lily a little too much credit for things she did during this breif time span. Not only does he seem to give her full credit for breaking the walls he held his past behind, though earlier on he said that was the reason he roamed the halls at night: to think about his haunting past, but Sirius also seems to just LEAP into his sudden affections and attractions for Lily.
I know, at least for me, that I would never kiss a friend on the lips. I didn't agree with how you put that; stating they simply needed affection and it was a kiss between friends.
All in all I think this would have made a really good and longer fanfick, giving you the chance to develope their (Lily and Sirius') relationship and made it into a ship. It just seemed a tad too rushed and irrational a points.
Hope this helps with your future writing and future ideas. It was a pleasure reading and reviewing for this story.
I very much enjoyed your story. It does give a cetain depth to Sirius that no one had illustrated as clearly as you did before. Thank you.
Author's Response: Oh, thank you so much for the review, grisou02. I'm happy to hear you enjoyed it, and that you appreciated Sirius's portrayal ... as my favourite character, I don't want to mess him up.
I really liked this story. I felt that you captured the inner Sirius exceptionally well. And Lily was a wonderfully written character, as well. And to be honest, I wouldn't really call this a romance. I mean I don't see after this end of this story, Lily and Sirius dating (not even secretly). I don't see them ending up as friends either. Sure, they shared an intimate conversation, but the kiss showed that it was nothing more than that...Well, I'm not going to spend all day reviewing, although there are so many more wonderful things I could say. Anyway. That's my two knuts on your story. -Emily-
Author's Response: Well, thank you, Emily. I'm glad you enjoyed the fic, as well as took the time to leave a review. *Loves reviews*
I know the romance isn't exactly "strong," per se, but I do see this as being a big change in the relationship of Sirius and Lily. She sees a deeper side to him here, and he has a change of perception of her as well. But yeah, I don't see them as carrying on a relationship behind James's back, no.
Thanks again, though, Emily. I appreciate the review.
what worked? hmm... EVERYTHING, buddy! Everything worked... it was just AWESOME...
mysterious and like you said with a certain level of innocense. very beautifully written that touched a string in my heart... i take it as a treat to sirius fans... also provided a break from sappy romance and brings new meaning to friendship and emotions of a very rare kind...
JUST LOVED IT!
Author's Response: Thanks so very much, Padfoot Patronus, for the wonderful review. I'm SO happy to hear you felt it worked!
A treat to Sirius fans, you say? *Loves Sirius, so figures that's a very good thing*
Thanks, once again.
Ooh, I really like this! I especially loved the beginning - vague and mysterious. I like your writing style; it has that certain, wonderful quality about it. *is jealous*
I love the conversation between Lily and Sirius and the symbolism of the box. The kiss was very well done too, and the way you described what it meant was wonderful. I was expecting it to be cliched and have Sirius try to explain to James that he and Lily are together now, but you went for the originality and changed it up a bit! :] Really, really good job, Megan!
Author's Response: Oh, thank you so much, Mari. Your compliments mean a lot to me!
I'm glad you liked the way the kiss was done; I'm a canon girl at heart, so I really couldn't have it be Sirius/Lily in the end ;) .
But thank you, once again, Mari, for the review.