I love the part about the love potion. This is a very weall written story.
This story is really good. I love the title- 'Love is just Hate WIth a Smile'. I should really remember that.
great chapter.its cute, plz plz update soon!
Author's Response: Thanks, and I'll try. :)
i really enjoy these cute fluffy romances so please update soon
Author's Response: Thank you! And I will try, don't worry.
Author's Response: Thanks!
When I saw that you had written a James/Lily story, I knew this was the one I would read. You wrote a very intriguing summary, and the title is very interesting. I am eager eager eager to see some James/Lily action in your story if it is indeed as sweet as your summary makes them out to be :)
A couple of comments as I read your story:
She came from a family of Muggles; which meant for the holidays she had no real connection with the magical world.
The semi-colon is unnecessary. A simple comma would do just fine since "which meant..." is not a complete sentence. Same thing further into your story with "They headed through the crowds to Flourish and Blott’s". Also, moving "for the holidays" to the end of the sentence sounds better/more fluid.
Granted, Lily loved to see her family, but after five years of living with magic she missed having it around.
This sentence is a little awkwardly worded though I understand what you're trying to say. This sentence seems to say that for five years, she's been living with magic now and suddenly finds herself without it. Maybe try something like:
Granted, Lily loved to see her family, but after her fifth year at Hogwarts, she missed having magic around.
...but that didn’t stop her from missing him like crazy and wondering what might have happened if she hadn’t ditched him.
"Ditched" might be the wrong word in this context. Perhaps "if they had remained friends". "Ditched" has that negative connotation of leaving someone behind for someone else, even though we know that is the case here (hee).
Lily's banging pots and pans around seems a bit extreme, especially if it's all due to a certain Severus Snape on her mind. I think it would have helped to give us more insight into what exactly was going on in her mind. What were her feelings toward Snape at that moment that made her bang stuff around? It might also be good to explain what 'awful things' snape had done to Lily. Refresh our memory a bit hehe.
The apostrophe is missing for a few of these possessive nouns: teenage girl's room, your friend's house, her sister's face and the Collins spirit.
I'm not sure if you meant heart-wrenched sob when you said heart-wrenching sob. Is the sob supposed to make our heart...wrench (heart-wrenching)? Or is the sob caused by Lily's frustration toward her sister (heart-wrenched)?
...which was a huge success, considering all the magic that went into producing everything.
I'm not certain what this sentence means. Is it a huge success because of how little magic is going in? I don't see another way of interpreting this.
I find it just a little weird that Lily would open the door for Chloe rather than her own parents. And she didn't even need much coaxing either. I'm sure her parents would be a little hurt to see that.
I'm also not understanding why Lily told Maddi that it wouldn't be okay, not this time. Perhaps if you had explained Lily's feelings about Severus more in this chapter, it would've made more sense, because right now, we only have a vague idea of how Lily feels about Severus by taking what we had already read in the Harry Potter series.
as Chloe stopped to a witch
I think there's an extra "to" there :)
I appreciate you adding Lily's attempt to reconcile with Petunia. It is a very good touch, and it's something I don't usually see in J/L stories. I only wish Lily's attempt had been successful.
Eagerly awaiting your next chapter!
Author's Response: Thanks for the lovely review, Beth! I'll fix all the nitpicks when I get a spare moment. rnrnAs for Lily opening the door for Chloe, I do see your point, but the way I saw it, Lily didn't want to open the door for her parents because she was sure they would take Petunia's side. Do you ever have those moments where you just don't want to deal with your family?rnrnThanks again for all your comments. *hugs*
Wow, Jenny! I always knew you were an awesome beta, but this is the first time I've ventured into one of your stories and I must say that I'm quite impressed! I think your flow with the story is really superb and that you have a very strong handle on Lily's character.
I think what I liked most with this fic is your portrayal of Lily. In most fan fiction you find her as the perfect student that is prone to fits of rage around James. The way you've shown her here makes her much more believable as a person and in turn makes it easier for your readers to connect with her. The fact that you have shown some flaws that I'm sure most every teenage girl has struggled with is not only ingenious but works very well in pulling your reader into the characters world, they have something to identify with.
Lily’s usually shiny red hair was lank and greasy, and her eyes were so puffy that you could barely see their bright emerald green.
I could literally huggle you to death for this sentence! Not only is the description done splendidly, but you weren't afraid to show Lily's imperfections once again. I absolutely abhor when authors give her the 'Princess' complex. (As I call it when they have her looking perfect, as if she had just stepped out of the bath with every hair in order and makeup in place.)
With having read just this piece, I have to say that I believe one of your strongest points in your writing is your characterization. Even Petunia, who I generally hate, is very well done.
Petunia’s face burned red at the memory. ‘I was a lot younger then!’ she cried. ‘At least I don’t hang around people who try to hurt others, like you and your nasty friends!’
Again, wonderful description here love. Also, the fact that you were able to tie in a memory that is linked to one of Snape's memories from DH (I remember there being one about Lily reading a letter Petunia had wrote to Dumbledore) in such a short sentence is astounding.
You've done a fabulous job with grammar and punctuation, as expected; you and you're lovely beta are an awesome team! That being the case, I really don't have any nitpicks. >.<
Again, dearie, loved the story and I can't wait for an update! *looks at submition date* >.O
Author's Response: -grins- Thanks, Stacy! I'm so happy you like it. I'm so relieved that you love my characterisation, because that's what I always worry about in my writing. Also, *cringes*, I know I have to get around to updating this. I still have to talk to a mod to get it through the queue, since it doesn't want to do it itself. *glares* Anyway, thanks again fro the fabulous review!
Jennifer! I can’t believe that you only have one chapter submitted for this story – please tell me that you’re still working on it?
I’ve never thought about it before, but it makes complete sense to start writing a Lily/James story after the release of Deathly Hallows. While we pretty much know what happens to Harry & Company, we’re still only left with a few details of his parents’ life – meaning that you’ll have much more freedom writing about them, but you still have enough from JRK to make it solid.
Severus Snape is a brilliant example of this, of course. Now that we know so much more about his and Lily’s friendship, you can do so much with that in a Lily/James story. In fact, I was pleasantly surprised to see that there wasn’t a single mentioning of James in the first chapter, and that, instead, her thoughts were occupied with Severus. Your reader already knows that this is going to be a Lily/James story, but by excluding him from the beginning, you make sure to present Lily as her own character – she’s not dependant on him; there doesn’t have to be a James in every scene.
I also never realised what a great tool Petunia is for Lily’s character. While reading this chapter, I was very aware of Lily’s reactions to Petunia; it’s a great way to define her, and if I were you I’d use this as much as possible. And I suspect the whole Petunia deal will come in useful when you work on Lily/James, because it’s something about her that he might not be aware of, and it’d be interesting to see what he has to say about Petunia, and how Lily might agree with him or defend her sister, depending on how you want to shape her character. Ah, I’m rambling, but it’s all so fascinating – you have so many possibilities here!
Through canon!Petunia, we also know that their parents were excited about Lily being a witch. I know she’s about to begin her sixth year now, so I’m not saying that owl post should surprise her parents, but I feel like a little “after five years, they had grown quite comfortable with post owls zooming in and out of their windows” would have been nice, sort of to reinforce the fact that they’re willing and happy to put up with various oddities because they’re proud of Lily. And while we’re on the subject of Evans parents, I’m curious about why you decided to call their mum ‘Penelope’. I love that name, but most writers tend to avoid using names that are already used in HP!verse; in this case, Penelope Clearwater.
I’ve jotted down some random notes of things I want to comment on:
For some reason, I really like that you gave Lily a messy room. I’m sure she can be a very organised person, or else she wouldn’t have been Head Girl, but it was still nice to see this “imperfection” to her, and it’s also a proof that she’s fairly relaxed at home.
The Evans family all knew talking about Severus was off limits, but apparently Petunia had decided to test Lily’s non-existent patience with the subject. - I really like this. In this short sentence, you let us know that Lily has a close enough relationship with her parents to talk about her friends (and boyfriends?), and for them to know that she’s upset about Severus. You also tell us that Lily has a ‘non-existent patience with the subject’; it seems very teenage-ish of her, but I also interpret this like she doesn’t lack patience in general.
‘Horrible?’ Lily shrieked, incensed. ‘Horrible? You’re the horrible one! Strutting around this place calling me a freak just because I’m a witch? You wanted to be just like me once!’ - I’d be very, very careful here, on the ‘shrieked’ part. Are you sure that your Lily ‘shrieks’? For some reason, it didn’t sound entirely right with the rest of what you’ve written of her. And… are you sure that Lily knew just how desperately Petunia wanted to be a witch? I always thought of that as a secret desire she kept hidden. And if Lily did know about it, she probably also knows how touchy the subject is – maybe you should have mentioned something about it being a “low blow”?
That Severus was evil, like all his Death Eater friends, and she had blindly followed him down that path. / Ever since Lord Voldemort had come into power in her first year at Hogwarts, it had been Lily’s dream to try and defeat him, and become a famous Auror. - These sentences raise a couple of questions in my brain. Firstly, was ‘Death Eaters’ a known name for Voldemort’s followers at this point? And, secondly, did Voldemort ever really ‘come into power’ during his first rise? Yes, he became increasingly powerful and gained more control over the wizarding world, but he was never officially ‘in power’, was he? It might just be my interpretation, but ‘come into power’ sounds very official, sort of like when someone is elected President or Prime Minister – or, you know, Minister of Magic. ;)
Maddi thought her mother was a complete embarrassment, but Lily thought she was amazing. - lol! That’s so often the case, isn’t it? Especially when it comes to single mums, I think. I just thought this was a wonderful detail, and it gives us a quick but very significant insight to Maddi’s life.
And while we’re on the subject of Maddi, I very much like the paragraph where you introduce her to us properly – it’s original and fresh, and you have me curious about her character. Though, I’d like it even better without the very first part, ‘If you didn’t know her’; the generic you is very tricky to use, I think, because it can give your reader the impression that you’re talking directly to them. I would remove that part completely, because I think it works beautifully without it, or else change it to something like, ‘To those who didn’t know her’.
I realise I haven’t really said anything about your writing style, Jennifer, but I that’s because it’s flawless and smooth. I couldn’t find a single typo, spelling or grammar error, so thumbs up for you and your beta. Your language is extremely pleasant to read, while I still feel that you could be even better – nothing is wrong, but I see a lot of potential in your words. And this is even better than reading “perfect” writing, because I would rather read the works of someone on their way to perfection – sort of like how I prefer these first days of real spring to the full bloom of summer; I know the brilliance that is to come, but I enjoy these times more, because there is still anticipation.
All in all, beautiful. As I said at the very beginning, I do hope that you’re going to continue this? I don’t know if this is a rational feeling, dear, but for some reason you make a very, very proud SPEW mum. :D
*gushes* What a lovely review. :] I am still working on this, don’t worry. I had troubles submitting chapter two, and then I decided to rewrite parts of it. I’ll have to contact Beth to get her to put it through the queue. Your comments were all wonderful, though, Anna.rnrn
I actually purposely left James out, mainly because like you said, I wanted to show that Lily is completely her own person (and doesn’t have a secret crush on him), and I also wanted people to see that it was a Lily-centric fic. Penelope was an accident, I completely forgot about Penelope Clearwater. I like the name too.rnrn
I’ll revise the things that you pointed out to me, and fix them. Also, thank you so much for the last paragraph about my writing. It means so much to me to get compliments from you, because I think your writing is perfect. *hugs SPEW mum* :]rnrn
This is a complete turnaorund from the light and breezy narrative of February the 14th, now, isn't it? But very nicely done. I don't dig Lily/James much, but so far, this is shaping up to be more of a Lily-centric fic than a shipper story. This chapter, anyway. I love how you filled us in on more interaction between the two sisters. You've done Petunia as if you've lived with her yourself. I hope you don't! ^_^ Lily is not a doormat; I like the way you portrayed her loyalty to Sev and her apparent still-persistent love for her sister. The quotes in your summary have yet to come then, I'm among those who await them, hon.
Author's Response: *hugs Joanna* You're so sweet. :] Yes, this will be more of a Lily-centric fic. I thought there were just far too many James/Lily’s around, so I wanted mine to be a bit different. I'm glad you like it so far! That reminds me. I need to finish To Love Life Again. *headdesk* I'll get there!
lovely start. can't wait to read more. =)
Author's Response: Thanks!
please WRITE MORE!!!!
Author's Response: I have already written up to the end of chapter four, but because of the troubles with the site I'm holding off submitting it for a while. Thanks for the review!
thats good, keep writing!
Author's Response: Thanks! I'm glad you like it.
I sooooo love this story!!!!!
Waiting for the next chappie!!!
P.S. Im adding this as a favourite!!!
Author's Response: Thanks! :] You're very sweet. I'm glad you like it!
very good can't wait for more
Author's Response: Thanks!
It's Elle - I put this in the PM I just sent you, but you do have a lovely way of writing.
Sorry for the short review but Graphics homework calls!
*Click* oh look, it's added to favourites :D
Author's Response: Elle! *hugs* Thanks for the review, sweetie. I'm flattered that you like my writing. :]
Lovely teen angst that you've got going here. Although, I must say that it was well written and believeable. It wasn't over the top or underdone. I will admit, though, that I was a little surprised at Petunia's openness about "Sev" and who Lily is seeing. I wouldn't have thought that Lily would have told her mum that they were dating. Although, this may be that I'm not all that familiar with the dynamics of such a thing.
Also, the word choices were great throughout and the sentence structure was very smooth. There was just one little place where I got a bit confused:
Chloe’s husband had left them when Madeleine was born, and Chloe was not much older than Lily was now.
For a moment, I thought that Maddi's mum was only sixteen or seventeen. Hehe, which would be impossible. Maybe reformatting the sentence would clear that up a bit.
Anyways, great job on this. I think that you have Lily characterized very well. I also think that you have an excellent title - it's very thought provoking.
Author's Response: Wow! Thanks for the amazing review, Kelly. I can see what you mean about the Severus thing, but I've always imagined Lily to have a close relationship with her mum. But anyway, I don't think Lily and Sev were dating, it's just what Petunia thought. I'll fix that sentence soon. I see what you mean! It's a bit confusing. :] I'm glad you like my characterisation! *phew* Lol! But the credit for the fantastic title must go to my beta, Alex/wewillmissyou. But the title did remind me of a conversation I had with a friend once about that same thing, which is why the summary has a bit of it in there. :]
I love it!
I was confused in the beginning about the Chloe thing. I didn't make the connection about her being Maddi's mom! O well...
Anyway, great start!
Author's Response: Thanks for the review! And I can understand how you could get confused about the Chloe thing, because Lily calls her by her first name. :]
nice beginning. really like it. Please continue it its very good. !
Author's Response: Thanks! And yes, I will continue it, that's why it's a chaptered fic. :] I have chapter two and three written already.