No!!!!!!!!!!!! Darn it, Roxy! This was so sad, and I'm wishing with all my heart that these two had worked out together! But it was a beautiful story, anyways. :)
This was amazing!
That was really good!!!!!
I like it a lot, I really think you did a good job.
I didn't like, though, that Lily loved Snape, because I don't know who could.
Good job anyway.
This was really good. And it is believable too. It seems realistic for the characters. Good job!
This was good. I'm crying, seriously.
Is it wrong to say how I just fell in with the story? I fell straight to where Lily was her heart in two, the pain she felt. I know exactly how she feels though I seems different, this sad story is one that hits a chord with so many people. I'm glad you wrote it as no one else really seems to capture what really was Lily and Severus' strange relationship. I applaude you, you really are an amazing writer.
Wow. That was...really really good. I think it is completely plausible to believe that Lily might have loved Snape has a young boy, her first link to the wizarding world...it is evident from DH that they were good friends at least through fifth year, and that Snape was deeply in love with her. How much she knew of his feelings for her or how much she returned them is completely unknown, and this was a wonderful interpretation of what might have been. The moment she lifts his sleeve and sees the dark mark...very moving and heart wretching (spelling?). The imagery, especially the last paragraph, is very vivid. Great, great story!
There's something about the first line in this story that just... I don't know. Lily opened her eyes. The possibilities for a fic starting with this sentence are endless, and they make you curious. An amazing first line.
However, I found that the following sentences seemed a bit too short and choppy. It threw me off a bit... You could maybe merge the third and fourth sentences of the fic, to make a longer, more flowing sentence.
The Muggle superstitions is a nice touch-- Lily is, after all, Mugglebor (hells, she even thought that she was a Muggle for the first eleven years of her life), and that could not have not affected her.
I have to admit that I was somewhat lost with the thing about restaging the photo first-- I wasn't sure what exactly it meant. I got it after that, so no matter.
The symbolism of the photo-- the last tie between Lily and Severus was very interesting, and I liked how Lily burnt the photo in the end, symbolising the finality of her decision, that she was now with James and Severus was a thing of the past. The swings are something we know exist, and that Severus and Lily used to swing on them, so taking that piece of canon and making it a pivotal part of your fic was a wonderful idea.
One part of the fic that I found a bit off, in my opinion, was calling the grown-up Severus 'boy'. (She had learnt a long time ago that this boy was a master at hiding himself, but somehow, to her, he could never hide his eyes. ) I'm not entirely sure why, maybe it's the fact that he was a grown man... But I felt that it sounded weird.
The emotions in this piece-- Lily's uncertainty, her anger towards Severus, Severus' feelings... All together, it created an intense mix that was amazing. You really are a very talented writer.
Speaking of talent, your characterisation was amazing. How Lily was uncertain in the starting, and then upon seeing Severus' Dark Mark, being disgusted and sending him away... It was very well done. Severus was written very well too, I could see the Severus that we know and (this part is up for debate) love doing this.
Frankly speaking, I didn't realise that you never mentioned Severus' name in the entire fic, until the last two words... However, looking back, it was a wonderful touch, and the effect it gave was nice.
All in all, this was a very well written, well-characterised, powerful little one-shot that was really, really well written. Amazing work.
Author's Response: I don't respond to a lot of reviews these days so I hope the others will forgive me that I haven't responded to theirs but I wanted to clarify some of the things that were troubling you.
Firstly: "She had learnt a long time ago that this boy was a master at hiding himself, but somehow, to her, he could never hide his eyes." To me, at this moment in time, she isn't thinking about the Grown-Up Severus. She's conflicted about her feelings for the boy she fell in love with and the man she's about to marry. In writing this fiction, I had the idea of her wondering "what could have been" if she hadn't gone with James. If she'd stayed with the Severus she used to play with at the swings. At this point in her timeline, Lily has perhaps not seen Severus for quite a while. As you can see from the beginning of the story, Lily and James are living together, at least to a certain degree, which would make visits from James' enemy a little impractical. By showing up on the night before her wedding, Severus exaggerates her doubts as it proves he has a heart and loves her, the same heart as the boy who she fell in love with years before.
When Lily confronts him about the Dark Mark, it confirms that she doesn't know who the man is. The boy could never hide his eyes, there is still a touch of the boy about him until the tattoo is revealed and afterwards the eyes are cold.
I always like starting my fictions with an ambiguous line. There's something about subverting expectations about it. People want to know the who, what, where, when and why of a situation. By offering only one or two of these things - Lily being who and opened her eyes being what - the reader is transported to an exact moment of time within their own imagination. I'm not telling you the scene, you're creating it. Think like a movie, Lily opens her eyes - we see a very tight close-up of bright green eyes, rather like those that the directors of HP love to use whenever Harry wakes from a dream - the next moment, I tell you a bit more about the scene and we zoom out, then we zoom out some more. The choppyness of these lines exaggerate the silence and discomfort of the scene, Lily has just woken up and can't comprehend complicated scenery yet.
I like to think there's a touch of Lily about me, so I love writing her. I have no doubt that she's packed full of Muggle ideas. Look at Petunia, a girl doesn't grow up like that without some aspect of normality to idolise. Lily finds herself adapting to the wizarding world in a time where being Muggleborn is extremely dangerous, so her home life is a wonderful way of keeping in touch with everything she's fighting for.
I'm glad you understood the photo eventually. It's quite ambiguously written but I think the meaning becomes clear once the Severus and Lily argue.
Emotion is key to writing. We all want to create an emotional response from our reader, so what better way of doing that is there than showing the emotions of the characters? This is the real beauty of the first line. You enter the story at the same point that Lily does, you open your eyes with her, so there is an immediate connection between yourself and Lily that stays strong throughout the story. When Lily feels strong emotions, they are reflected within yourself and your subconcious to the point where you can feel yourself reacting but you don't know why.
Thank you for the great review, and I'm sorry that I've written an essay in response :D Now you know why I don't respond very often. I hope future readers of this story and this response will get a further insight into the plot and the reasoning behind my story. Thank you for reading! ~ Roxy
Wow Roxy. That was really intense.
I'm not good at reviewing, not until I take Bine's class in July, but this was really good.
The first word to come to mind when I finished this was, intense. As I already said, it was really intense.
I just blinked away the tears that formed in my eyes while reading and I just stared at my computer screen for, like, a minute before I started this review.
You are a really skilled writer. That is shown in this one-shot well. You make the reader feel the emotions running through each characters' mind. The lost love between Severus and Lily and the pain that Lily felt when she saw the Mark. Lily's uncertainty of whether she chose the right man.
This makes us wonder if Lily and Severus ever talked again. We know from Severus' memories that Lily hated him after SWM, but did she ever forgive him? If she did, and he didn't take the Mark or join them, would Severus have been Harry's father, or would the Dark Lord never have fallen that Halloween night? These are questions that flit through everyone's mind while reading, and they are more likely to come to the surface of your readers while the read this then other stories here.
I can't wait to read something else from you, most likely not at 10.50 at night. Lol.
Keep up the great work.
This was a very beautiful portrayal of this pairing, Roxy. Heartbreaking, but accurate. But then, where’re Severus and Lily without the heartbreak?
I loved your characterisation of Severus – you can tell that he knows that he’s let himself and Lily down, and he knows that he’s lost her. Defeated and broken, he turned on the spot and fled from the house of his soul mate. That line shows us a lot about his character, I think. Particularly the word ‘broken’, which I feel signifies the anguish in him.
Your first paragraph is great – specifically, for the simple phrases mixed in with subtle description like plagued with disturbing dreams which is strong imagery, mainly because of the word ‘plagued’, which brings a lot of negative connotations with it - but at the same time, the paragraph bothers me. It seems kind of... script-like is what I’m thinking, though I’m not sure that’s the best way to describe it. There’re a lot of ‘she’ beginning sentences in the paragraph, though you do have a couple of alternate starts. However, Looking at her clock, she realised it was late is one of your two different beginnings, and a short sentence, so it somewhat merged with the other lines for me, heightening the repetitive feeling.
She turned to James for comfort, realising from the empty space that he had done what she’d asked and gone to stay with Sirius. - I think ‘but realised’ would flow nicer, and make slightly more sense.
Was she making the right decision?
That you gave that question a paragraph of its own worked very well. It emphasises that she is questioning whether marrying James is the right road for her, and it makes the reader – or me, at least – hold their breath for a second, wonder what she’s going to do, whether she’s going to run out on James or what – this is in ‘other pairing’, after all.
How dare he make this her fault? - although this is a question, it doesn’t feel like one to me. She's not wondering it, more like thinking it angrily. An exclamation mark may work better.
She recoiled to the wall with a strangled gasp before breaking down and sobbing into the sleeves of her jumper.
That line is possibly my favourite part of the whole story. I love how she knows he has the dark mark – the few lines before this point make that much clear – but it still comes as a shock to her to see it there, so clearly emblazoned on his flesh. It shows how much, maybe unconsciously, she was convincing herself that she was wrong, and he hadn’t entered Voldemort’s service. Because once that happens, she’s lost him forever in her eyes, and that’s something she doesn’t want to happen.
You promised it wasn’t you.” - Hm, I feel as if there’s a word or two missing there. The sentence just doesn’t seem quite right – maybe, ‘that it wasn’t for’?
Now, finally, I’d just like to finish by saying that not mentioning Severus’ name until right at the end was a good move. In fact, I just find it a nice touch that it’s there, because it finalises for the reader the identity of the man Lily has been thinking about and been with throughout the story, because to anyone who knows the Lily/Severus story, you can tell it is Severus from the moment she starts comparing the pictures. It’s satisfying to read his name right at the end.
Anyway, to round off, I’d just like to say this is one of the best Severus/Lily fics I have read. It very much captures the essence of their characters and relationship, and, yes... I really enjoyed reading it.
Roxy, this is heartbreakingly beautiful, and I’m fighting with my tears. Lily had probably the hardest decision ever, to choose between the boy she loved and the man she loves. You captured this expertly, and gave the story a wonderful touch.
I especially liked how you started.
Lily opened her eyes.
She was alone. She could tell from the penetrating silence all around her.
I love how the combination of “penetrating” and “silence”, because sometimes you wish it was all silent, but once there is, you wish there wasn’t. Silence can be as bad as noise. But the way you used it here plays greatly into what Lily felt at that moment – left alone. Yes, she asked for it, as you write in the next paragraph, but nonetheless, she feels left alone with her decision who to choose. And with the subtlety you’ve written it, it tears at my heart just like Lily’s heart is torn. So beautiful…
What I first thought was confusing, but when thinking about it for a moment it became crystal clear, was that you first said “She was alone.” and then have “Lily turned around to James for comfort.” She’s confused in her thoughts and still thinks James is with her. But at the same moment she knows she’s alone, on her own wish. Again, it’s the subtlety that draws the reader into your story, and it’s a wonderful talent you have there.
Was she making the right decision?
This one sentence alone gave your story a turn I hadn’t seen coming. With the beginning, I honestly thought Lily is thinking about the wedding, either stressing herself if everything will be perfect or if she was ready already. But that she could question herself if she had made the right choice found me unprepared and like “Ohh, a SevGirl story…” lol. Joking aside, you used a simple method to point the story into this direction, but it was very effective.
Then, in the next paragraphs, you never use Severus’ name, but from the way you described everything, it’s obvious that Lily thinks about Sev. She wonders how two so completely different men can be so similar. But most of all – both have touched her heart in a unique way, and this is what makes it for Lily so difficult to choose. And yet, her mind is set.
“You didn’t just decide to come here and see if you could change my mind?”
This sentence testifies that Lily is a strong person and can make up her mind, no matter how hard the decision(s) that led her there may have been. You balanced her weakness and strength, surrounding it with a superb story line – short but very effective.
“You thought what? That I’d end up with you? After all that you’ve done to me?” She let the anger build up now. How dare he make this her fault?
And here you showed that Lily has a temper, and that, when once hurt and now insulted, it can take over, making her speak like you wrote it. I really love the way you characterised her so true to the books. It’s just brilliantly done.
Defeated and broken, he turned on the spot and fled from the house of his soul mate.
Oh, this is another fantastic line, expertly describing Severus’ later way of life, the way he went on after her death: defeated and broken, but still unwilling to give up. This is why he promised Dumbledore to look out for Harry then – all for her although he never would get a thank you from Lily.
And the last sentence, it was the perfect way of ending a fabulous story. It shut a door in two respects – first, it ends your story, and second, it ends what Lily had ever felt for Severus. She in this moment chose James, and banned Severus from her life.
I’ve read a lot already, but only few were as beautiful as your story is. Really well done, Roxy. *huggles*
I think this is a great story, its really atmospheric and explores the feelings of the characters, that i think are very acurate as Lily could be with Sev if he hadn't joined Voldermort. Great!
aww, what a sad story. Very well written. it made me want to cry.....but in a good way.
Wow, that was a very powerful story. I never thought she loved him in that way, but your story is very convincing. I think that you did a wonderful job of portraying her torn loyalty and showing the pictures was great. You did a great job of letting the reader feel what Lily was. Thanks for a great story! Cyns
Wow... this is pretty passionate! I love the whole Snape- Lily- James dynamic, and this is interesting. Poor Snape. But he kind of brought it on himself, didn't he? Hmm.... he's one of my favorite characters, just 'cuz he's so complicated. Good? Evil? Pitiable? I love mulling it over: does his love for Lily redeem him? Does the good he does after her death redeem him? I really don't know.
aw.... poor Sev! i like him a lot, now... sometimes... Lily is a bit self-centered... you know? but then... her wedding day!!! really - don't blame her. nice fic! :D :D like it
I love this, I really do. I really like the way that you have changed the reality and made it perfectly plausible that Lily could actually love Severus more than James.
I think my favorite paragraph is
"“There’s nothing to see.” He stood once more, not allowing her access to his soul, but she was too quick for him. She stood and pulled up his sleeve, revealing the dark black tattoo on his forearm. She recoiled to the wall with a strangled gasp before breaking down and sobbing into the sleeves of her jumper."
becuase I love the was you wrote that she recoiled, and it really seems just what Lily would do and say. I also like how mysterious you have made it with Severus and guarding his soul.
This is fantastic well done,
~Nik x x x