A very well-written, haunting tale! Sirius' characterisation was perfect and the way you showed his mind as bordering on insanity was great. The imagery was powerful - especially comparing the woman to a rat in a cage, which connects nicely to Peter.
I didn't really like the last line in this fic... I think it would have ended better without it. I understand that you were trying to creat a circular effect by having the last line be the same as the first, but somehow it didn't sum up your story so well.
But that's just a small thing, I loved this fic :)!
Great job expressing Sirius's emotions, and the atmosphere of the prison! The descriptions and all were very chilling. It's a little peak of what poor Sirius's LONG stay in Azkaban must have been like. Every day. Years and years. Wow.
The only part I don't get is the metion of the 'towering, formidable lady' ?
I'm sure it makes sense, I just don't get it. Anywho, great writing!
Wonderful. Your writing is haunting and beautiful. After this, I'll be sure to check your other fics out!
Hello there, dearie! I've finally come to review a story!
You've got a very interesting tale here; it kept me entertained through the very end. Excellent job with characterization and also with imagery, both were done very well.
The imagery is what popped out at me first. The metaphors that you've used in conjunction with how you've used them were placed perfectly throughout this ficlet. The following paragraph I think shows this perfectly:
Sirius closed his eyes and listened. The small slap, as foot hit stone became erratic and scurried. She was running, running in circles. Running in the cold, grey world that stretched out endlessly, trying to escape the nightmare she was imprisoned in. But there was no endless grey plane. Only a small, finite cage that kept her on this cold, grey rock, in this cold, grey prison, in this cold, grey cage. Sirius hardened his heart against her plight. It was better to stay numb, and the problems of a crazy woman were not his to deal with.
Just the way you've presented the unnamed woman, describing her as a rat in a cage, was very haunting for me. To top that off, you threw in the erratic behavior the caged rat within her mannerisms - it left a very chilling picture in my mind. *shudders*
Sirius was done perfectly to my taste. Your portrayal of him is exactly what I visualize when I think of Sirius locked up in Azkaban. From the tenor of his thoughts to his many mannerisms you've shown here, he seems a very tormented sole which is something that fits in very well with how he is portrayed in the canon universe.
Was he crazy for wishing the death of one of his own? True, there had been no camaraderie between them, yet she was dignified through her silence. Through her silence she stayed unnoticed by the living passing by them—their faces turning grey with pain and loss.
Sirius had lost everything.
This has to be one of my favorite excerpts from this story. It shows how truly harsh the walls of Azkaban, or any criminal institution can be, and for Sirius to be an innocent man and be going through this... let's just say, this fic helps one understand how one could go crazy in that situation.
The plot line itself was absolutely brilliant in my opinion. I never expected the twist with the unnamed woman and how it would bring Sirius face to face with his hatred of his own mother, only to be reminded again of the sacrifice of his friends.
I have only one nitpick, and I'm sure it's something you may have heard, and that is the repetitiveness of the word 'grey'. I know it is relevant to the theme of the story, and I myself had the same issue with this challenge so I can't really say to much about it. I know how hard it is to find different words to show the same concept.
All in all, this was an excellent story and I enjoyed it immensely! :D
~Stacy~ of the Gryff Review Crew
Oh dear this is so depressing.... Excellent job, then.
Author's Response: Haha! Thanks? lmao
Wow. First off, it started as a strong beginning, making a statement to set the mood.
Sirius's characterization was amazing. It was chilling, really, since he's still upset and a bit wild. I like how he notices the details about the woman and Azkaban. It gives the story a better feel.
I actually shivered when Sirius was thinking about his death and capturing Peter. I was shocked when the woman said she killed her son- I wasn't really expecting that!
The woman and Sirius were a good paito have a conversation with- she despises Muggle-borns yet he's okay with them, yet they talk to each other anyways. It was very in-character of him to hate the woman for killing her son; I could definetly see him doing that.
Overall, it was a very powerful story. I like how it started and ended with the same sentence. (I think there's a word for that, but I don't know it) It really puts the 'colors of loss' into perspective!
Author's Response: Thanks for the review, Padfoot! It was a rather last-minute entry (only for points, I'm ashamed to admit *embarrassed*) but I did try to put some emotional effort into it and this is what came out! Muchos gracias, amiga!
*sniff* poor sirius!! good story!
Author's Response: Thanks! Glad you liked it!