A fun little story. I liked the purposes of your tests.
Author's Response: Thank you!
i love this,so romantic and heart warming,you should write more of the sort,
Author's Response: Ah, I'll try to. Thank you for the review. :)
I just happen to love James/Lily, so when I arrived at your author page I was quite pleased with what I saw.
I thought this was a very clever test that Lily devised, and I liked all the different aspects to it that were not always completely obvious.
The wizard started walking towards a nearby inn. This line was confusing to me; it took me a couple of reads to realise that "the wizard" referred to James. I wondered why there was a wizard out in the open in the 1890s. Maybe it would be clearer just to use James' name, even though it's not as varied?
I really liked James' Boggart, because it showed what a loving man he was, and how jealous he was of Lily.
One thing I did wonder about was, how did James end up back in time to begin with? I was a bit confused about that. I liked that the story jumped right to James back in time without explanation, because it piqued my interest, but I didn't feel like the explanation was fully given later on. Maybe Lily could have explained to him how he got there? But I thought the end scene with Lily and James was very sweet.
I've never done a full Gauntlet, but I know from the Third Task that it can be difficult to combine all the prompts and the character into one fluent story. Good job!
Author's Response: Thank you! Glad you liked it. :D
The very first thing I noticed is that you lean heavily on telling rather than showing. I've read so many articles on this that I just hate it when people tell me this, but through all the droning on, the advice is really, really useful. When you 'tell' people things, the story can get boring, stagnant, and readers will turn away without giving the plot a chance.
James felt something crawling on his hand. It seemed like an insect. The thought of a spider crawling over his skin made him jump up. This turned out to be the wrong thing to do.
Take out the actions and you have: He felt this. It was this. He did this. Then he did this. Doesn't seem so interesting, does is? By telling us what's happening rather than showing us, you're hurting the story. Readers want to see it, to feel it, hear, touch, taste, smell it! Simply knowing what happens will turn people off. So rather than…
It seemed like an insect.
"He could feel its small, prickly legs crawling over his palm; even though it was too small to tell, James could imagine gross, tiny little hairs all over its body and he jumped up, shaking his hand wildly to get it off.
Bad example, but we can see the insect now, rather than just knowing that it's there. Because he "wildly" shook his hand we know that James dislikes insects.
He had been lying down for a couple of minutes, not strong enough to get up just yet.
Why wasn't he strong enough to get up? What did his muscles feel like? Was there an aching in his bones, his back, his arms? Show us why he can't get up: There was an aching that ran from his neck and down his spine, and all the way down to his toes, creating the painful inability to get up. Adjectives, verbosity! I want to see him struggling, hear him moaning as he tries to stand up, feel the pain in his buttocks as he mistakenly jumps up too quickly. (Okay, maybe not feel it. :p)
Your sentence structures are also very punctual and precise, which coupled with a lot of telling, is very… well, punctual. In a textbook that's what I want. In fiction, I want description, verbosity, things that can only be explained through longwinded sentences that seem to go on forever because there's just so much to tell! The story so far is really great—you obviously know how to write a good story—but your damaging it by following the laws of grammar so stringently. Mix it up, break a few rules, throw a semicolon in every once in a while! The comma doesn't have to go there, it could be thrown aside so that we can feel a little bit of the urgency. (Though, that one can't be broken so often…)
The thing about showing vs telling is that it gets the best of us. Sometimes if you concentrate on showing so much you'll get lost in the descriptions and the verbosities and that one little leaf that just deserves ten paragraphs of description. Generally, I notice that if someone does too much of one thing, it goes to the extreme level. There's either only telling, or there's only showing. But there is a balance, and that balance is wonderful.
Rather than stating that someone walked from here to there (even if there's nothing of importance in the action) you could slip in one of the senses. He smelled rain in the air. The sky was bright with the morning sun. He could feel the sand between his toes. He could taste the salt in the air. Incorporating some of the five senses in every now and then really beefs up fiction, and adds a little spice.
Alright, enough droning on about that. The story itself was very funny and creative (putting him through a 'test' is an adorable premise). I really liked the characterization of James. You put him in a completely weird (to him) atmosphere and still really pulled out the characteristics that I imagine him having.
The last line was especially cute. It was a long time before they actually got together, and I can imagine the moment being one of those "time stops" moments, and I think you played on that very well, especially the subtlety (me loves subtlety :D).
Over all I really liked the story: You pulled everything together really well at the end and again, the premise was just… adorable. :)
ahh, i love it exsapt the part with snap that almost made me gag but it was an asum story
Aw, thank you, dear. =]
And the Snape part, well, I had to put in there to fit in one of the prompts. But I'm glad that you liked this one shot so much. =D
That was really good. I just thought the ending make-out session was a bit too abrupt. Fantastic, though ;D I loved it
Author's Response: Thank you so much! =D
Aww! This was so cute! It was a great story line but it seemed kind of rushed. To me it felt as if you could have explained some parts a little more. But it was still good. The part about the Boggart was really sad. I almost cried for James, knowing how much he loved her. That must have sucked… I saw afterwards that this was for the Gauntlet, and I was amazed. I totally didn’t know this had been written for a challenge, and when I found out it was, it just made it better, lol. It was a great story, and it made me want to read more James/Lily stories. I, for one, and not a big James/Lily shipper, even though it’s like… a Duh! ship, but this story was cute and made me want to read more =] Keep up the good work, hun!!
Yeah, I was rereading this the other day and I kinda felt that this one shot needs to be edited. I'll do it as soon as I get over with my O'Levels. =)
Thanks for the lovely review, and I'm glad that I sorta got you converted to James/Lily. =D
Author's Response: Umm... I'm sorry that you felt that this one-shot was very cheesy. Thanks for the review, anyways!
Author's Response: Thanks for the review! =)
Afifaaa! Honey, this fic was awesome :)))))
One thing, though, I notice that you seem to use long words like 'inquire' and stuff like that. Not that that's bad, but it just seems slightly annoying when it's an emotional situation. Perhaps shorter words would work better? Other than that - I like the last sentence -
The book lay forgotten, it's owner lost in the heat of the moment.
that part was funny! hahaha. well, i'm improving the drabble now :D thanks for the spelling correction there!
Author's Response: Aww... thank you, dear! rnOh, I do get what you mean. I'll edit it as soon as I get over with my exams. rnThanks for reading this, and leaving a review too! =)
Interesting story, your writing style isn’t one I typically read, but it was an amusing situation you put poor James into. I just have a couple of comments/questions/things I noticed.
I thought it was an intriguing idea to have James go back in time to explore things and “pass” Lily’s tests. But I was kind of surprised that all he did was walk around and look at people and things. All we saw him do back in time was wander, confused and lost, and swear a lot. It was a bit anti-climatic. I kept expecting something exciting or difficult or random to happen, yet nothing ever did. James just wandered, “following” Lily’s clues/tasks.
We also saw him run into a professor who did nothing but insult him in public and chastise him rather loudly for his wardrobe choice. And for some reason this professor also knew of the thing between James and Lily? I assume that’s so Lily could have had permission to use a time turner to send James back. But who is this professor really? Why would he be so trusting of Lily and so rude to James? Why does this professor even play along with Lily? Granted, you probably don’t need to tell us in the story, but reading your story it feels like you’re not sure what the professor does completely either. It’s like you decided he should be there so he suddenly was but no one knows why. Then at the end when Lily confirms James had passed all the tests, the professor isn’t even mentioned. It’s like he didn’t go at all. Was he there setting up Lily’s tasks? If so, why didn’t his interaction with James be part of the tasks?
As far as your ending, it has the best potential. It’s a great idea, and it’s written well. It could just be a bit more, if you know what I mean. For example, would James really instantly confess his Boggart to Lily when he knows Lily is friends with Snape? Would he fold so easily and actually cry in front of her? Did he actually give her enough details to cry?
Then the book interaction. This was also cute. I think it’s interesting that you chose to characterize Lily as a book lover/protector/obsessive kind of person. I don’t think of her that way, but it worked for this scene.
But immediately following that scene, if you read the last three lines:
He clasped her hands in his, but instead of getting up, he pulled her down. She fell on top of him and they ended up snogging each other. The book lay forgotten, its owner lost in the heat of the moment.
To say that those sentences are abrupt would be an understatement. I’m not saying you need to describe every detail, but he pulls her down, they end up snogging, and suddenly it’s the heat of the moment. It’s just so fast that I got to the end and was confused; I thought I’d missed a paragraph. It would help if you smoothed into it with either words or a description of one of their feelings or facial expressions. Or even Lily insisting more about her book before being distracted by James. It just feels like something is missing in the end of your story.
I know I gave you lots of feedback, but I feel like this story has potential. Like I said, it’s not a style of writing I typically read, and it would help if you wrote the details you see in your mind into the story so your readers can see them too. But you did a nice job with this cute, though highly improbable, James/Lily scene.
Author's Response: I guess, to give a short reply, all I have to say is that this was written for the Gauntlett entry, so I had to include some stuff. Plus, I had to complete it on time, so I didn't pay much attention to the details.rnI agree to what you've pointed out. I'll make the changes as soon as I get time. rnThanks for the constructive review, and I'm glad that you think that this fic has potential. =)
Poor James, but I think the test was a neat idea! Great story.
Author's Response: Glad you liked it! Thanks for the review. =)
awww...this is a sweet fic! i loved it!
Author's Response: Thank you so much! Glad you liked it. =)
I love this, it's sooo cute! The whole transfiguring things into a horse and carriage reminded me irresistibly of Cinderella, was that on purpose? And I love the "Sirius in a clown suit" thing, that was hilarious! Great job overall, keep writing. :)
Thank you sooo much!
Umm... well, when I was writing the transfiguration of the horse part, Cindrella never came in my mind. lol. So I guess it wasn't written on purpose. Hehe.
I had to mention Sirius! lol. I love that guy!
Thank you for the awesome review! =D
That was soo cute!! But yet I am confuzzled, why was that professor there? Other than that confuzzling part (confuzzled is a blend of the words confused and puzzled if you dont know what it means =) oh and I made it up)
I love the going back intime and the tasks! And I laughed a bit when you had James turn the boggart into Sirius in a clownsuit! Best Luck for the submission!
Author's Response: Thank you! Well, the Professor was there because it was mentioned in the prompt that there should be a person the character i.e. James was trying to avoid, and I decided to put a Professor. Aww... thank you so much for that lovely review and wishes. =D
quite good, really!
Author's Response: Thank you so much! I'm glad that you liked it. =)
YAAAAY aahahah that was really cute :D
i liked the one shot :)
Author's Response: Yay! First review! =D Thank you!