(Signed) · Date:
08/15/09 16:55 · For:
................................................................wow. This is really depressing, but extremely well written. Your prose is excellent. Well done.
Pissenoffanis (Anonymous) · Date:
08/19/08 5:59 · For:
Ooooh *shivers* Definately chilling. I do agree with you, the Final Battle was rather... tame. But I suppose it's what JK Rowling wanted.
I loved the imagery of the street lights going out one by one. That visual effect always puts me on edge!
Maybe next time you could add a bit for anguish, guilt, horror etc when she is remembering all those horrible memories... just to add even more horror to it :P
(Signed) · Date:
06/22/08 17:37 · For:
Well, I don’t know if this fic frightened my pants off, but it was still a good read.
I thought you did a good job of introducing the ‘scary’ factors. The cracks, the street lamps going out, the Dementors, etc. You gave the reader time to process each thing as it happened, rather than just throwing a bunch of potentially scary things at us at one time. You let the suspense build, which is important. I liked the line, “It was the flickering of the first street lamp that started it.” However, I did feel that you could have let the suspense build even more. Maybe Hermione could have reached her doorstep later, maybe she could have been left in silence longer to really let the disruptions, well, disrupt. I hope that makes sense. Basically I felt that I could have been in more suspense as I was reading; it seemed like I was finding out what was happening too quickly.
I think it mostly has to do with the length of this. Normally I don’t fuss over length, because sometimes a fic is just done, you know? And I read your note about you adding to this before you posted it, but I still think perhaps there could be more here. A flashback of Hermione as a child being scared, maybe, to go with her as an adult now? Just something. That’s just a suggestion, obviously.
If she hurried, if she was quick enough, she could make it to her door … Right? This was a sentence I wasn’t too fond of. I think you could have achieved the same effect without the rhetorical question at the end. It’s pretty clear what your intention with this sentence is, and the question at the end just seems to…I don’t know, underestimate the reader. If you leave it with the ellipse, then the question still hangs, but it’s simply understood rather than directly stated.
I really liked Hermione’s visions of the last battle. They were very chilling and fit into the piece really well. I actually think the flashbacks were more frightening than the Dementors and the Death Eaters. And finally, I liked the ending. Of course cliffhangers are annoying because of course I want to know what happens, but I think it was a good way to end this piece.
So, overall, a good piece. Your writing is wonderfully clean grammar-wise, and also very clear and neat to read. Nice job!
(Signed) · Date:
04/23/08 23:45 · For:
Cool story! I liked the effect of leaving us hanging at the end. Let our own warped imagination fill in the blanks.
Author's Response: Yes, it is up to your own dark, warped minds to know what happens to Hermione after this short little one-shot. Thanks for the review, potterfan48.