Wow! This was brilliant! Trust me when I say that normally, I absolutely HATE poems that don't rhyme. But this seems to be an exception. The wonderful contrast of words ("gently forces") is fabulously done. The poem flows surprisingly well considering it doesn't rhyme. I didn't get to see the old version but I really loved this version. Particularly your word choice--it was just all-round excellence, that's all I can say. I'm a big fan of James/Lily too. I'm in the middle of writing my first ever chaptered James/Lily and I'm glad that you've stayed away from the normal cliches in James/Lily fanfics whether poetry or oneshots or chaptered fics.
The only criticism I can give you is that your tenses seem to be mixed up in two places: when you say "My heart beats" as it should be "beat" as in the past tense, and the same goes for "I am once again, whole" as it should be "I was, once again, whole". However, minor nitpicking aside I loved this poem, so keep up the good work!
I could feel this poem and Lily's emotions! Great job on describing her feelings towards James!!
Author's Response: Thank you... Thank you... (bowing)...
This is an intersting, cool poem. And might I add the first Harry Potter related poem I have ev er read and I loved it. 10/10.
Keep up the good work!
~ Parchment and Quill
Author's Response: Thank you so much... glad you liked it... =)