A lovely piece, both parts. The premise is something I’ve seen before – several times – and yet there weren’t any passages that had the tired-and-tried feel. It was a very enjoyably unique spin on the getting-together of James and Lily, and being the J/L sucker that I am, of course I loved it. =D
The characterization was wonderful. Amidst a familiar storyline, James and Lily’s characters felt IC, but also just so comfortable, if you know what I mean. I didn’t have to stop at intervals and work out in my mind how this or that could be justified and made IC – there was nothing to cause to a pause at all. Their expressions, actions, and dialog were all exactly as I’ve always imagined them.
I was slightly deterred by the style of the prose. It felt really succinct, punctual – a lot of telling rather than showing. I think a little bit of description could have really helped the emotional aspect.
Overall I really enjoyed this! A wonderful J/L for the virtual bookshelf. =)
Hm. Britt, I really do love this story. It’s been a while since I’ve read the first chapter, but after getting about two paragraphs in on the second one, I sort of just remembered everything that happened in the first one. So, after saying that, I’d like to say that that is a great thing. Both chapters tie together so brilliantly. You two did a fabulous job with doing that, and I’d just like to tell you that.
Next, I’d like to say that I really love this story. The first chapter was amazing, but the second chapter was even better!
You could actually feel all of the emotions running through the story. You could feel the pain James was feeling as he remembered how he almost killed Lily, and how much pain he felt at even the thought of actually hurting her. Then you could feel the fear and pain in Lily as she told James what had happened that night, and how she could tell that he wasn’t himself. The emotions were done brilliantly in this story, and it made the story just that much better!
Now… the first little thing is this:
My breathing is uneven and I find myself gasping for air, desperately sucking in cool, sharp breaths.
I believe there’s supposed to be a comma after “uneven”. Without it, it’s a run-on sentence, love. So, I just thought that I would point that out to you. : )
the salty tears are still running down her now ashen cheeks.
I really love this line. The way you described it was amazing. You could actually picture the way her face looked as she was crying, and you could actually see the tears falling down her face. Brilliant, love, just brilliant. =)
I am about to continue but her eyes are flooded with confusion.
Again, just a little thing. There should be a comma after “continue”. =)
She knows enough hexes to write a spell book, and is described by her own family member (a certain Sirius Black) as a sadist.
The comma after “book” doesn’t need to be there. “Is described” doesn’t start a new sentence, love. I do, however, love the way you phrased the part in parenthesis. Lol. It’s something so small, but I don’t know.. I just like how it’s worded and all that. Lol.
he deserves to be at ease, and know that no one is going to force him to kill the one he cares for.
Comma not needed after “ease”. =) Same reason as the other one, love.
But why is her mission; to get me, a worthless Muggle-born, killed?
Eep. Okay, the semi-colon isn’t needed after “mission”, so I think it should be something like “But why is her mission to get me, a worthless Muggle-born, killed?” I may be wrong, but I do think that’s how it’s supposed to be. Lol.
Yes, so nothing wrong that’s too big. =)
I do really like this though. The first sentence already held my attention, and the rest of the story just pulled me in even more. As I’ve said already, the emotion throughout this story was just amazing. You two did a wonderful job at keeping the reader pulled into the story. I didn’t get distracted by anything else while reading this, and I could actually picture the two of them in the Hospital Wing and all of that. It was just so well written, I couldn’t help but review it. You two are great writers, and I really do love this story. It’s definitely one of my favorites. =)
Keep up the great work, love. *hugs*
Oh my goodness I love it! I love the whole idea of love prevailing over everything and anything! Well done!
Oh my goodness I love it! I love the whole idea of love prevailing over everything and anything! Well done!
Now, Britt, I realize that there is a co-author here (I’m sorry that I don’t know your name!), but I’ll address the review to you. Oh, and consider this a review for the entire story – not just one chapter.
Let’s begin with the basics: I really liked the story and I think that the two of you did a great job with the characters. I was especially fond of Lily’s thoughts – they seemed very real and well characterized.
One bit of characterization that kind of struck me:
A rather hasty and dramatic accusation, I know. But let’s dwell into a little back-story, shall we?
Just to clarify, that was the line that broke up the action; between Lily’s recognition of Bellatrix and Bella’s agreement. Although the little story that you gave between Lily’s line and the one delivered by Bellatrix was very important to the plot, it jarred me a bit. That was supposed to be a very dramatic moment and I think that you should have allowed the drama to build - There’s a Death Eater in the Hospital Wing?!? - rather than doing a start/stop thing to give a back-story. For the sake of the flow of the story, that little paragraph should have been evenly distributed throughout the scene (perhaps as thoughts flying about her mind), instead of having Lily stop the moment and give an explanation. The use of the word “we” also bugged me a bit – probably because I’m not fond of directly addressing the reader.
Now, then, what I really liked was the title and how it applied to the entire story. One of the most obvious and dominant themes of the Harry Potter series is that good will always (eventually) triumph over evil. I like how you’ve taken that and made it so that love will triumph over evil (of course, in the world of JKR, love usually equates to good – notice that Voldemort never fell in love – but I digress). Although James/Lily isn’t really a favorite pairing of mine, I’ve always liked it when it’s done well. I thought that you really nailed the relationship between the two of them. This was especially evident in the beginning, when James was fairly blind to his personal safety because Lily had wanted to meet him somewhere.
Also, I like the fact that James has the ability to nearly throw off the Imperious Curse. That’s a trait that I suppose must run in the family, as Harry has the ability to do so as well. Nice little characterization of James, there. The best part of James’ characterization, though, was when he would be confused over what he was supposed to do. I thought that those moments in his head – where he’s trying to rationalize why he’s killing her – were the most powerful of the entire story.
No, the other part of my mind screams. But I have to do it. This is my mission; there is no other option. My resolution is fading, along with my ability to distinguish between right and wrong.
Those were my favorite lines of the fic – see reasons above. The black-and-white perception (I have to do it/No) really highlighted the battle between James’ mind and the workings of the spell. Those are just incredibly powerful lines.
One thing that I was kind of surprised about is how quickly Lily realizes that something is clearly wrong with James, and yet she doesn’t run away when he first says that he’s going to kill her. Obviously, she was scared to death, but I think that I expected a little bit more panic out of her – I certainly would start panicking of a classmate started to kill me. However, I thought that the way she heeded James’ command to run, was done perfectly. She had the moment of hesitation – demonstrating that she was worried about his well-being – but then she had the good sense to actually run away as fast as she could. I thought that it was done extremely well. I also liked the little foreshadowing to the pairing when she thinks about the memories and one of the few that she specifically names is touching James. Very nicely done.
The ending, also, was very sweet and not over the top (which is always a danger when writing Lily and James first getting together, in my opinion). The last line was also very touching – they’re meant to be together. Aww! I liked that part a lot.
Overall, I thought that the story was very well done – the premise of having James Imperioused to kill Lily was especially intriguing and fairly unique. I’ll admit that I’ve never seen that one done before. It was well-written and quite enjoyable. Great job to you both!
Hey again, PnP! And I don't think I've talked to you, BertieBotsBeans, yet, so well done to you too!
I knew as soon as I read "Don’t bring Black" that I was going to enjoy it! Funny that the letter turned out to be far more sinister than I'd expected, but it still makes me laugh!
I really enjoyed the story, especially since I've been looking for stories about how the two of them got together.
I hope you did well in your Gauntlet challenge, and once again well done!
Great job, a bit sappy at the end but this is actually a good story to explain how Lily finally gave James a chance. You two worked well together and got through the prompts without it being choppy, in other words it flowed very well.
~Kristy (gauntlet guide/judge round 6)
Bellatrix?! How deliciously twisted! I like the way you had the slow recognition of Lily's feelings for James in this. The ending made my fluffy little heart skip a beat - it was too perfect. A very sweet story!
Author's Response: Thank you for your kind words and the inflation of our egos. *hugs* Really, Michelle, you're such a dear.
Quite the turn of events here! I was a bit lost at first, but quickly got up to speed. I am so intrigued to read the rest of this and see how it turns out! Who is behind this and Imperiused James?
I love how you have him fighting the curse and how Lily is annoyed with James, but has that undercurrent of attraction to him. Very subtle, ery well done!
Looking forward to part two! Congrats on your gauntlet!
~Michelle (The One Who Marauds... on the side of true love)
Author's Response: Think you can pry it out of us? Well you can't unless...unless, Remus is mine on Thursdays and Saturdays. Exclusively. Which I know you would never agree to. So it's settled, you wait for the next chapter/update. =D I enjoy this review. You are so lovely, Michelle. Yes, well, Padfoot and I, we're a duo. ;)
Hey Brit! Lol. Alright, I like this idea for a fic, even though you had to use prompts to write it, it was very good. The plot line is brilliant, and the flow, for the most part, is very good. I enjoyed reading it. Even though you know it took me a while, beings I'm a slow reader and all. ;)
Anyway. There were a few things that I think I should point out to you. They're the main things that jumped out at me as I was reading this story.
At first, it was easy to shrug it off. Then the inevitable questions started to flow.
These two sentences, I feel, could be made into one. It would help with the flow of the first paragraph a lot. You could have it say "At first, it was easy to shrug it off, but then the inevitable questions started to flow." You don't have to change that, but I would recommend doing so. =D
It was dead silent other than the gentle hooting of owls and the rustling of the wind was making.
This part. The end of it just seems a bit strange. I think you meant to say "...and the rustling that the wind was making" instead of using the word "of". Just a small mistake, nothing too serious. Lol.
Again, I just want to recommend watching the first paragraph. (All right, not literally watching it, but...) You have a few sentences in there that could be combined together. It would help with the flow a lot more. When you're reading it, the shortness of the sentences make you stop, then read, then stop, since when you see a period, you normally stop for a second, and then read the next one. At least, that's what you're taught when speaking in front of people. Lol.
Anyway. I thought this was a good chapter. I honestly can't wait to read the next one to find out what happens next. You and your partner did a very good job on this. It's not always easy writing a story with someone else, but you guys did this very well. I really did like it, and I hope you do consider my suggestions. =)
Good luck in the competiton. *pickles*
Author's Response: Aha! Thanks for the suggestions. That's actually how it was when I first wrote that part. And as for the wind thing you mentioned, that was simply an error in editing, darn those track changes, yeah? =p Thanks for the compliments though and we hope you enjoy the next part. =D
Sounds interesting. Great job with the first ;).
Author's Response: Oh wow, a review! Thanks m'dear. Next chapter coming up soon. ;)