creative! amazing idea. I liked it a lot.
Author's Response: Thanks! x
This story is an incredible journey from start to finish. It's heart-wrenching when James leaves Harry, because when one knows the suffering in store for the boy, it can't be helped.
I found your descriptive imagery vibrant and moving. I really felt like I was right there with James while he was the Patronus. I wanted to reach out and touch the silvery charm like it was right in front of me. The way you described him running was awesome.
All in all, an excellent piece. Bravo!
Author's Response: Thank you so much! I'm pleased you liked it :)
Absolutely loved it.
Author's Response: Thanks! x
This is a really lovely piece. It's very interesting that it's James coming out of the wand to save his son and his friend. I love that he gets to see Harry again and ges back to Lily. Beautifully written.
Author's Response: Hi, Carole! *waves* Thank-you - I'm pleased you like it. It's my favourite one-shot (that I've written) so far.
I really really liked this one. Excellent & very unusual view point! Have yu any more on line?
Thank you so very much.
Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing! I don't have anymore stories with this sort of viewpoint, sorry. :)
I'm confused. How could James be walking the grounds if he is dead and he never became a ghost? The only plausible way he could do that is by the Priori Incantatem.
Also wanted to point out a mistake. You don't want effected for the sentence you have. Instead you want to use affected ;)
You see, I comment as I read, so now it actually makes sense why James was there, an interesting concept that you used. Harry thinks that he saw himself, and he continued to believe that for a while. Instead of the caster being James, it is actually his Patronus. Interesting. Short. Sweet. To the point. I liked it. =)
Author's Response: Yeah, when I read the title to the chapter "Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs", I always was like - well, was Prongs really in the grounds? So this fic is saying he is. Effect and affect, I always seem to get those two mixed up. I'll go back and fix it eventually. Thanks for your review. I'm pleased you liked. :)
I really like the concept of this story. I find it precious that you allow James and Lily a moment with the son they never knew. It’s a nice concept that when Harry truly realizes his father’s Animagus form, his father was really, really there. Literally rather than figuratively.
Push! Push! Push!
I’m not sure this was the best way to open the scene. It didn’t quite convey the tone the rest of the story is written in. Yes, James is pushing and willing to escape the wand, but these three words in command form almost cheapen the emotions of the story. They instantly change the entire tone of the scene, and it doesn’t match the emotions of James finally being back on the school grounds he knew so well with the people in his life he cares the most about. Something less distracting would have opened the scene better, in my opinion.
to escape from the depths of my only child’s wand.
Although the phrase “from the depths of” is a bit cliché, it works in this sentence. I like the imagery you created that wands have deep inner magic other than the thin stick people hold, that they truly have a deep, magical core. That’s a nice touch.
and followed the direction, that the wand I had just left, was pointing in.
This part of the sentence is choppy and a bit confusing. It would have been clearer if the commas weren’t there. The commas divide “that the wand I had just left” from the rest of the sentence, essentially saying “followed the direction was pointing in.” But that’s not what you meant even though that’s what you wrote. So get rid of the commas. You could even get rid of “I had just left” and the story would still be clear because you already opened the scene with James escaping the wand. To repeat it in this sentence is a bit redundant, but it also makes the wording confusing.
Dementors. But why weren’t they effecting me? And why was Harry there, when I’d just seen him?
I really love the paragraph before this one. I love feeling Prongs run again, and the joy it brings him. The feeling of running and noticing trivial things such as the wind attempting to stop you but being able to push through it as though it were nothing. However, then you write the quoted three sentence paragraph. And it is so different than the previous. It’s almost as if this is a different writer. Yes, your James is confused in the moment, but this seems out of the moment, nearly out of character. James is not a questioner, he’s a doer. So this throws the tone of the story yet again.
Also, in both paragraphs you use “effect” and I believe it should be “affect.” Minor detail, but it will be easier on the readers if it’s correct.
Bowing my head, I charged into the midst of the eerie, black creatures. I circled them; no fear flowed through my veins. My hoofs were making no imprint on the forest floor. I began to wonder what was wrong with me.
Again, you create this beautiful imagery, and then you tack on the last sentence. Yes, James isn’t the same James; he’s not even the same Prongs. But the way you phrase his confusion doesn’t sit right in the tone of the rest of the story. Maybe you’re trying to make us uncomfortable—in a way feeling what James is feeling. But I think you could do it in a way that doesn’t interrupt the flow of the story. In a way that makes it more natural; in a way that makes it truly feel like one last venture on Hogwarts’ grounds for Prongs.
Also, just for wording purposes, did you mean Prongs charged “into” the midst of Dementors or did he charge “through” them? Into implies a stopping, while through, in my mind, implies a scattering. It may not make a huge difference to you, but the more you understand your word choices, the more writing tools you’ll have to create more varied stories.
Anger surged through me, and I galloped around my friend.
Again, a minor word choice, but did James gallop around his friend because he was angry at Sirius’s appearance? Or did anger surge through him “as” he galloped around his friend? The way it’s written, it feels as though it should be “as.”
Harry Potter. I wished I knew him. Standing before the boy, I steadily observed him, slowly lowering my head so that I could soak him in properly. I didn’t take my eyes from him. Not once.
I love this paragraph. I love that there are so many emotions James is feeling now, there is so much love emanating from him, and you convey it so simply we can feel the purity in James’s thoughts. It’s beautiful.
I gulped down the guilt. If I had looked after Harry and Lily better, he wouldn’t be in this position now.
This is the only time you ever mention James feeling guilty for anything while having this experience. Yes, I’m sure James feels guilty he left his son alone and probably blames himself for dying and not being there. But you don’t take the opportunity to explore his guilt or develop or even explain it briefly. So this one sentence feels out of place, particularly after the deep love he’s just felt for his son, particularly after the reminiscent feelings of what he was like while he was at Hogwarts and wondering what his son is like. It just doesn’t fit in the frame of mind you’ve set for James so far.
The only other thing (apart from the scar) that wasn’t mine, were Harry’s eyes. His eyes I knew so well. I had looked at Lily Evans enough. He had her emeralds, and I wished she were here now to see them.
I love that James recognizes Lily in their son. But then you say, “I had looked at Lily Evans enough.” Well I should hope he’d seen her enough, not only did he have a psychotic crush on her at school, they were married and had a son together. This sentence, again changes the tone and makes the writing feel more amateur than the rest of the pieces you have in it.
And then at the end of the scene, James reflects on Sirius and his friends, but Sirius differently, I assume because he’d just seen Sirius? Instead of asking where Remus and Peter were and about Sirius separately, I would just wonder what had become of them all together. That would flow better and not be as distracting.
(And I really loved the paragraph where James had to leave. Very well written. Very concise yet beautiful.)
What about Sirius? How could I tell Lily about that?
I’m not sure what you mean by this… why could he not tell Lily about what just happened? Is he referring to their Animagus forms? In your story does Lily not know about them even after they’d spent more than a decade together? I’m just confused about this question and why James would even ask it.
This time, instead of sitting and wondering, I plunged right in. I knew exactly what I was going to say to my wife. Everything. That’s no less than she deserved. Lily Evans had been through just as much - if not more - than I had. She deserved to hear it all.
Again, as much as I love the imagery and conviction James conveys in this paragraph, I’m not sure I completely understand it. Was he trying to protect Lily from the knowledge that their son was fighting Dementors? That Harry almost died? What is James hiding from Lily? What does it matter that Lily had been through so much and deserved to hear the truth?
If anything, I would think James would rejoice from this experience and although Lily might know/not understand why James had left, they would share the joy in one of them being so near their son once again. So it confuses me that after the beautiful moment, James would need to convince himself to tell Lily everything. I think you meant it as a beautiful conclusion, but it would work better if it was more uplifting, more joyful, to match the tone of raw emotion James had felt throughout the rest of the story.
If you couldn’t tell, I kind of liked it. :) I did have a lot to say, but I really was impressed with a lot of things that happened in your story. Nice work on this piece, and I look forward to seeing more great pieces from you!
Author's Response: Thank-you so much for that lovely review! I never expected to receive something this good. When I write, I just tend to write, and I don't think much about how things fit into the story, but this feedback has really opened my eyes. I'm definitely going to go back sometime and rewrite the whole thing, taking your comments into account. Because this review makes sense! How can James's emotions go from one extreme to another? I'm really pleased you took the time to do this review, it has really helped. You picked out some real good points. I'm not sure when I'll get time to edit my story, but I'll definitely do it. I'm really pleased you liked it, and thank-you so much for this review - it's the best, exactly the kind every author needs. :)
Awesome. very nicely done.
Author's Response: Thanks - glad you liked it :)