This is amazing.I'm speechless. Brilliant!
Very interesting! A little depressing, but I can see it after all superheroes usually create there own arch enemies.
Well, this is very intriguing! I've really enjoyed this first chapter and I'm looking forward to reading the second after writing this review. First of all, so far your plot is great. You capture the readers interest from the first few paragraphs. Beginning with the death of Hermione is a good idea as it pulls the reader right in. Of course, everyone wants to know why you've killed off such a major character. It's quite sad thinking of a dead Hermione but who am I to complain; I've killed off Ron in one of my own fics...
There are some issues I have, though. They're mainly to do with Ron's reaction after he finds out Hermione has died. I think the way you had him rush off to see her as soon as he found out was good. I always think Ron is a bit of a rash character so that fits in well. However, the way he acts when he sees her body was a bit off. When you see a loved one lying there, dead, everything seems to cease to exist. I think maybe you should have let Ron come to terms with the fact that he was seeing the lifeless body of his wife for a while longer rather than having him notice the cuts and asking questions about them. I also think he would have stayed a little while longer with her. I realise you might have wanted to continue on with the plot but give him some time to begin to grieve.
Another thing that bothered me was the way Harry coped with everything. Hermione was one of his best friends and yet he seems so calm. The story is of course based from Ron's P.O.V but some indication of Harry's grief is required. Harry is someone who I feel suffers from chronic guilt. While he may try to stop Ron from feeling guilty, I believe Harry would feel the guilt himself. Think about his reaction to Sirius, Cedric, Dobby, Tonks and Remus' deaths. If Hermione died, working on a case in which he was also involved, then his reaction to her death would be incredibly similar to those.
Sorry, I hope this doesn't sound terrible or anything because you have drawn me into this fic from the off. I really enjoyed this chapter, it was just these characterisation issues which bothered me a bit. I'll go read the other two chapters now, though!!! It's a great start :)
I think it’s time I laid out the finer details of the case to you and it’s best to it there - ‘do it there’.
They were both silent, unable to think of a think to say - ‘think of a thing’.
they had all left behind families to mourn from them - ‘for them’.
checked their id and then led them an interview room - ‘to an’.
court order from the Wizenmagot - ‘Wizengamot’.
“And why would we care about that.” - this is a question.
“He said he wanted to take revenge on the people that had caused him and all the other Muggle-borns.” - this seems half-finished to me. I’d develop it so that we know what they ‘caused’ him.
Generally, your writing is good, but in both chapters I have come across a few sentences that didn’t quite seem right, and some missed commas. Do you have a beta, or someone you know to look over your work?
Ackerly confused me a bit. He changes from a silent attitude to giving a lot up very quickly. I can understand why he tells all, but he is very quiet at first. Even though he says everything for Eleanor when Ron informs him about her, I imagine he’d need a bit more persuasion and would be slightly reluctant, maybe, when telling the story.
Your Gauntlet is progressing well from the first chapter, and it has opened up even more questions. I’m still intrigued, and I look forward to the conclusion.
No, I think I just need to me alone for a while. - ‘to be’.
He kept sneaking a glance at his baby, as if not really believing that she was really - I think you meant ‘she was real’.
which they had been modelled - I didn’t really understand this. You need to make the meaning clearer.
better of with Harry than with him. - ‘off with Harry’.
they as good as dead - ‘were as good’.
I was wished to cast the final curse - you need to get rid of ‘was’.
This was, in my opinion, your strongest chapter yet. The last paragraph was very beautiful - I had images of the soil and tears. The last line It was finally over. made a powerful ending. It was final.
I have a nitpick though. When Harry and Ron go to visit Ackerly, you never mention the criminal’s name when they’re walking down. That confused me a bit, and it would be better if you slipped his name into the beginning of their discussion.
Talking of Ackerly, it was nice to know he got to go to Eleanor’s funeral. That was a nice touch.
Author's Response: Thank you so much for all the reviews! They have been incredibly helpful. I'm glad you liked this chapter. It was so important to give this story a proper ending and I wasn't sure if I had really achieved it so it is good to know you thought it was effective. I have known the funeral would be the ending ever since I started writing and I really wanted to get it right. I had to let Ackerley go to Eleanor's funeral - everything was always so hard for him - I thought he should be allowed one last chance to say goodbye. Thank you for pointing out my mistakes - I have edited a few places, including putting Ackerley's name in to the conversation. Thanks again for the review - it's good to know there is someone who has read and enjoyed the story Hannah
We know you would never have put in her danger. - ‘her in.’
This is great. I almost cried when Harry told Ron, and then Ron told her parents. It must be so painful to have to say all that. And the killings are so brutal! I’m really intrigued to know the full story. Good work.