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Name: Kerichi (Signed) · Date: 12/09/09 10:04 · For: Pettigrew's Christmas Song

I was looking for Christmas stories and saw your poem. The title was quirky and appealing, so I read it and was glad I did. It made me smile and imagine Peter, under the influence of eggnog, strumming a guitar (that's all he could manage with his silver hand) and singing to himself. I smiled through the whole poem, and it's definitely put me in the mood to watch HBP on DVD! :)

Tots eyes all a'glow under the Imperio, Santa on his way, Death Eaters will kill him without delay, and the final "But Merry Christmas to you." were my favorite lines. I'm still snickering over the mental image of glowing-eyed tots.

I noticed the poem was uploaded last Christmas, and you haven't posted anything since, so you might not be interested in concrit--but I'm giving it anyway, just in case you are.

The first line, if you changed sitting to basking it would be much more snake-like. The second line reads "off" a syllable. You're parodying a classic song, so readers will have its rhythm echoing in their heads, and if you took out the "a" and made it Draco's trying on new robes it would flow like the second line of the Christmas song. Jack Frost's nipping at your nose. 

The fifth line down,  Everybody knows the Malfoy Manor parallels Everybody knows a turkey and some mistletoe, so it comes up short. If you made it something like Everybody knows the atmosphere at Malfoy Manor it would "sound" right, for lack of a better phrase.

Near the end, you use kill twice. Although it is five lines apart, not back to back, since this is HP, you could change the second one to AK for Avada Kedavra and make the poem even more merry and bright. 

Happy Christmas, and thank you for sharing this poem!

 

 



Name: ink_daughter (Signed) · Date: 12/27/08 9:29 · For: Pettigrew's Christmas Song
This is awesome!

Author's Response: Why, thank you!


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