Reviewer: Kerichi
Date: 12/09/09 10:04
Chapter: Pettigrew's Christmas Song

I was looking for Christmas stories and saw your poem. The title was quirky and appealing, so I read it and was glad I did. It made me smile and imagine Peter, under the influence of eggnog, strumming a guitar (that's all he could manage with his silver hand) and singing to himself. I smiled through the whole poem, and it's definitely put me in the mood to watch HBP on DVD! :)

Tots eyes all a'glow under the Imperio, Santa on his way, Death Eaters will kill him without delay, and the final "But Merry Christmas to you." were my favorite lines. I'm still snickering over the mental image of glowing-eyed tots.

I noticed the poem was uploaded last Christmas, and you haven't posted anything since, so you might not be interested in concrit--but I'm giving it anyway, just in case you are.

The first line, if you changed sitting to basking it would be much more snake-like. The second line reads "off" a syllable. You're parodying a classic song, so readers will have its rhythm echoing in their heads, and if you took out the "a" and made it Draco's trying on new robes it would flow like the second line of the Christmas song. Jack Frost's nipping at your nose. 

The fifth line down,  Everybody knows the Malfoy Manor parallels Everybody knows a turkey and some mistletoe, so it comes up short. If you made it something like Everybody knows the atmosphere at Malfoy Manor it would "sound" right, for lack of a better phrase.

Near the end, you use kill twice. Although it is five lines apart, not back to back, since this is HP, you could change the second one to AK for Avada Kedavra and make the poem even more merry and bright. 

Happy Christmas, and thank you for sharing this poem!

 

 

Reviewer: ink_daughter
Date: 12/27/08 9:29
Chapter: Pettigrew's Christmas Song

This is awesome!

Author's Response: Why, thank you!

You must login (register) to review.
Information
Find out everything you need to know about the site right here.


We have stories and authors in this archive.

:

RSS
Choose Theme:
SOCIAL MEDIA
     
MOST RECENT
My Week with a Werewolf by TonksForever36 3rd-5th Years
Tonks joins the Order of the Phoenix and meets a certain werewolf. Will they...
A Squib's Journey by ntoforhp 6th-7th Years
Jeffery Potter always had sensed he was somehow different from his playmates...
Cera Hipkiss is (Apparently) Annoying by Kceratops 6th-7th Years
As Cera Hipkiss begins her sixth year at Hogwarts, she is pretty used to feeling...
FEATURED
Thank you for your time, Professor by Equinox Chick 1st-2nd Years
It is April 1976, and Minerva McGonagall sits in her office, arranging biscuits...
Heat of the Moment by ToBeOrNotToBeAGryffindor Professors
A night of paperwork, coffee, and burning the midnight oil... it wasn't...
A Splendid Fate by hestiajones 6th-7th Years
One failed photograph, two halved souls, and the numerous, marvellous machinations...
CATEGORIES