Great job! When you put it this way, it makes me think that Luna would've been good for Ron. She really is so optimistic, and Ron needed someone to cheer him up. As you can tell by my username, I love Luna :)
I want to find out what happens next!!!
Hi there Emma dear
Firstly, I just have to say that I loved the opening paragraph. It set the scene so well, and the language you used, for example the line, “his stomach felt like it was accommodating several intoxicated Cornish Pixies,” was so Ron, as well as being highly entertaining to the reader. Your description of how Ron was feeling was also spot-on. One thing I noticed throughout the piece was that the tone you used was very canon-complaint. You really showed that you have a great understanding of Ron’s inner character. The line,” Or perhaps it was because he alone had a song dedicated to his imminent and inevitable failure,” definitely showed that side of his character which was terrified of failure and used to being overshadowed. I have to commend you for not just focusing on the funny side of him but showing that he did at times feel bitter and disheartened.
As for Luna, I think you portrayed her well, but might have just slightly fallen into the trap people make sometime of showing her as being very distracted and unable to hold a conversation. She might have strange ideas, but she’s capable (in my opinion at least), of holding a conversation without constantly misunderstanding and drifting off topic (I’m thinking about the line, “Of course I have the time. Remember, Ron, if you ever need to talk to..”) You did show her gift of being able to understand people and their emotions well though. I thought that in this piece Luna and Ron seemed to have a very comfortable chemistry between them, unlike in canon where he often easily dismissed her completely for being odd. It was a lovely moment when “For one split second, he thought he spotted her” and then saved the goal.
The last section was quite fluffy. I don’t think that the transition from them being friends to something more was made that clearly as there wasn’t a great deal of *that*kind of emotional buildup. It was cute though, and I can understand that you intended for it to be this sweet innocent childish love.
I really enjoyed reading this, thanks a bunch!
PS: I also loved Malfoy’s insults! They were very well written, and seemed perfectly in character and not overdone.
PPS:Just something I wanted to ask you about:
Hermione was the cleverest witch Hogwarts had seen in centuries.
We know that this is not true – Albus Dumbledore and even Barty Crouch Junior were all much more intelligent and skilled than Hermione, to name just two. Is this just Ron feeling very sorry for himself and exaggerating or was this a little error? Just thought I’d mention it.
Author's Response: Elene, love! Thanks for taking the time to read my fic, and leaving such a lovely review, too :)
Your comments about Ron are really appreciated, and I'm glad that you enjoyed his characterisation! I understand your comments about Luna totally, and I do agree with them whole-heartedly. However, I would argue that while Ron was indeed rather dismissive about Luna most of the time, he was in fact greatly fond of her and was greatly amused by her; he took to her far quickly than Hermione did.
Yes, their chemistry was supposed to be more sweet than a burning, fiery, passionate love - hence them not shagging in the Astronomy Tower straight after ;)
I'm glad you enjoyed Malfoy's insults, ha ha. When it comes to Hermione, well, it's debatable. It's partly Ron and his insecurities, but it's also the fact that Hermione is in fact a terribly skilled, very talented witch :)
I really liked it, it had something special about it- and as Ari said, Ron's characterization was amazing!
But the part where Luns says "Don't, Ron," she said calmly."He's not worth it."
i think is not so good, because that's always what Hermione says, so...
Author's Response: Aw wow; thank you :) The fact that people like my characterisation means the world to me - it's something I really work at! Oh, I never thought about that... Thanks for pointing it out, I'll see what I can do!
First off, I really like how you begin this. The line …the potent smell of eggs and bacon burning his nostrils. is much more subtle and creative way of saying that Ron was nervous. I don't often see (nor do I remember to use) authors using the five senses to portray emotions rather than just stating them, so I really love that you start it off with a big creative bang.
I don't know what it is, but I'm absolutely loving your characterization of Ron. My biggest problem with him is that he's such a complex character than I just go for the easy clichés. He's hungry, he's angry, he's whiny, or he's brooding. Somehow you've captured him and not FF!Ron, and yet you're still playing on the FF!Ron clichés. But they're not clichés. I'm going in circles here, aren't I?
You're using his nerves. He's anxious about the game. His ears go red with embarrassment. All things that are often overdone, and yet you've got them at a level that's not pushing any limits, and it's allowing for his real characterization to come through (and you're getting a fair amount of plot build up too). This…
He didn’t know if it was because of their sheer determination to win, or simply because they just didn’t have feelings.
Is just Ron! Just plain ole' is. And it's freaking hilarious, too, which is just a bonus. I love his narrations about the game. I'm going to have to move on from characterization some time soon.
Yeah, but I can't (I'm writing this as I go). Every narration about the people in his life rings so true of how I've always imagined Ron. This line…
Hermione was the cleverest witch Hogwarts had seen in centuries. She was destined to go far, break boundaries and reinvent the values and rules of magic.
Hermione in a nutshell, and even more so from Ron's point of view. I also loved how you said the relationship was one-sided: Also how Ron would see it. Have I mentioned how much I love how you characterize Ron? Have I? I'll mention it again. I love it.
Little known grammar fact:
Ron examined a hangnail on this thumb. “Well, uh, if you don’t want to, that’s okay… I was just thinking…” He trailed off desperately.
Ellipsis's aren't full stops unless the have four periods, rather than three. So here, the "H" should be lowercase, unless you wanted to bring the ellipsis there to a full stop and add another period. However, the tag is describing how he spoke so it makes more sense to use an unfinished ellipsis.
“See you later, Luna,.”
Luna gazed briefly at their laced fingers and a smile crept onto her face. Suspecting this was hard for Ron to do, she didn’t comment on it.
You slipped PoV here. Since we're hearing Ron's voice and narrations through third person objective, you can't slip into Luna's thoughts.
Luna couldn’t stop her smile from stretching.
Overall, this was a very cute one-shot. I like the idea of Ron not pining after Hermione for the entire time he was at Hogwarts, and that he would he open towards Luna. I'm not much of a shipper outside of H/D (and lately J/L) but you've kind of opened a door here; the romance wasn't overdone (tis not fluff, dear. Too realistic to be fluff. :)) and the way you began this (can I say one more time how much I loved your characterization?) with his doubts really built up to the ending very well.
Very nice story. :) I shall be looking up more from you!
Author's Response: Okay: wow! Your review made my day Ari! Or maybe my life - one of them, anyway. 'Big creative bang.' Tee hee - I've been smiling like crazy since I read that. And you like my characterisation of Ron? I was so worried I didn't get him right; as you said, he's so complex that people write him as if he were a troll that uses his fists instead of conversation. Also, as he's so funny and has this definite sense of humour I wasn't sure could I portray that properly - I'm not naturally funny. And his 'enequality' compared to Hermione must have preyed on his thoughts a lot; Ron had very poor self esteem. Oh, thanks for the grammar tip! And the POV tip - how did I manage to miss that? Teehee - I thought it was fluff. I shall get rid off that tag. Thanks again for your amazinggg review!