Oooo, I was thrilled to see that you have a new chapter up! My mom's going to be calling me for bed any minute, so I don't have time for a detailed review, but I promise one tomorrow. (Now that it's in writing I can't forget! I've made a commitment!) I just wanted to say quickly that this is certainly the best chapter yet.
Author's Response: Oh, sorry sorry sorry for not responding for so long! For some reason, I thought that I'd already responded... but obviously not! Thanks for all your support - though I'm still waiting for that detailed review! ;-)
I was so happy to see that another chapter was up that I almost did a little happy dance, but I restrained myself. *blushes*
Overall, the second chapter was good, but I have a few nit-picks.
'On the fourth day before my departure to Hogwarts, Father sprung some news upon the family.
We will be attending a small gathering at Malfoy Manor tonight,” he announced flatly, undoubtedly missing the brandy from which he had only just torn himself.'
To me, springing a question on somebody requires some sort of malicious intent. "Malicious" may be too strong a word, but I think it's hard to spring a question on somebody flatly.
'Hyperion Malfoy was a vindictive fellow Slytherin, also sixteen, who had ‘taken to me’ in our first year. Yes, I liked him well enough - he was smart, he was handsome, he could be entertaining - but I was in no mood to fend off his misguided advances tonight.'
Usually, I don't describe describe somebody who I "like well enough" as vindictive.
My third little complaint is the way the pure-blood men are acting. If this event is about social climbing, it doesn't seem that saying your wife is suicidal would be too impressive.
Still, these are just small criticisms. I really did enjoy the chapter, and I'm certainly going to keep reading!
Author's Response: Firstly, thanks for your comments! Actually, I don't really like this chapter. I agree with you on most of your points, and I think that in general, the whole thing is a little weak. I just couldn't really think of another way to put it. Now that I think about it, your 'springing' nitpick is a very good point, and the 'vindictive' thing also makes sense. I should probably edit those. ;-) I had many qualms over how I should portray the purebloods from Ysabelle's point of view, as well - the conversation between Ysabelle's father and Mr Malfoy all went slightly to pot, basically! Consequently, I just thought "well, they're being blackmailed together anyway, why not say what I want?" Not a great way for a writer to think, I know... *hangs head in shame* Anyhoo, I appreciate your comments and have taken them into account (as well as the good stuff - thanks for that, by the way :-D)!
This story is exceedinly original and comes across really well. I hope you keep updating, because its a brilliant read.
Author's Response: Awww, thanks! I do indeedly intend to keep updating, too! Also, you MUST update "My Troubled Tyrant"... immediately! I have an addiction to yummy Tom. ;-) Thanks again!
This opening chapter was very well-written and has me intrigued.
So many questions have been raised – who killed Evander (and why), why does his father want it hushed up, why is it such a secret even from the other children? You’ve presented us with an interesting array of characters and I’m looking forward to seeing their journeys as the mystery unfolds.
The description in this fic is just wonderful – detailed but not excessive, and highly evocative. You’re very skilled at using the setting to create a mood, such as in the opening paragraph:
A young man walks briskly down the murky alleyway, his head down and his shoulders hunched. A street lamp nearby flickers ominously before fading out, and the passage is plunged into darkness; the man is visibly unruffled, but his pace quickens slightly as the first feathery drops of rain begin to fall.
This conjures up a clear image in my mind, and I love the description of the rain as ‘feathery’ – unusual yet realistic! A quick nitpick here, though – beginning both sentences with ‘A’ made this feel slightly awkward to me. This could be easily remedied by saying “Nearby, a street lamp flickers ominously…”. Then the writing would flow beautifully right from the start :)
I also adored this passage:
The weather was a shallow mockery of the bleak occasion; almost cruel, I thought, as I forced myself to place one foot in front of the other. In truth, it was a beautiful day, now coming to a close; swelteringly hot but for a pleasant breeze playing among the trees, the carefree twittering of birds constant in my ears. The sun was shining in all its splendour, spilling warm golden light over the neatly shorn clearing, and clouds were perched, fat and fluffy, in the pastel blue sky.
Again, your carefully-chosen words paint a lovely picture, and I like how you juxtaposed the weather with Ysabelle’s grief (that’s a favourite thing of mine to do in writing!).
This chapter very effectively introduced us to the five (remaining) Rosiers – I already feel like they each have a distinct personality and back-story, and there’s a lot to be explored in the relationships between them. I like that you’ve avoided casting them as pure-blood ‘bad guys’, particularly by specifying they’re not all Slytherins; it gives me the feeling this fic won’t be another “rebellious daughter breaks away from family of prejudiced gits”. Still, there are plenty of things that remind us we’re reading about a pure-blood family in JKR’s world. All in all, it feels like this fic will blend very well into the Potterverse while still being a fresh new story. Well done!
This chapter is everything a first chapter should be – a good introduction to the characters and the plot without being slow or dull. Your writing style is just fabulous and I’m really looking forward to reading more – keep up the great work!-- Chelsea
Author's Response: Thankyouthankyouthankyou for the review! I loved how you cared enough to put so much detail in - makes me all warm inside! :) Chapter two's being beta'd at the moment, so hopefully it'll be up soon. Oh, and thanks for the nitpick - I'll change that ASAP. Ooh, the Rosier family are like oxygen to me. I won't reveal too much, but Silvanus - and Druella, seeing as she managed to produce Bellatrix - is definitely a Bad Egg. I have quite honestly fallen in love with the whole lot. <3 Thanks again, and I hope you enjoy chapter two!
I remember reading some of what you had to say about your story on the beta boards, and was interested. When I saw you'd posted the first chapter here I started reading right away. Now, after reading that and the summary, I must say that I'm intrigued, to say the least. Your writing is very descriptive and draws the reader right in. I can't wait to find out more about why Ysabelle's brother's death was covered up, and who killed him! I'm sure I'll enjoy future updates whenever they come.
Author's Response: Firstly, thanks for the review! It makes me all warm inside to know that my stories are appreciated. I'm also really glad that the description had the desired effect (yay!), and I'm currently drafting out the next couple of chapters, so it shouldn't be too long until the next update. Once again, thank you, and please keep reading! :D
your a very good intensive writer (:
Author's Response: Thanks for the compliment! I think that intensity may be my writing forte, whereas romantic scenes I could probably improve on. If there are any criticisms, let me know!