Oh my gosh.... That was so sad!! You can totally FEEL Regulus's pain as Sirus leaves, and it makes me want to cry. The last paragraph was beautifuL!
That was very beautifully written. A second person narrative is hard to pull off, but here it made the story more effective rather than less. It really did make the story more immediate and thus more emotionally affecting.
Your choice of last line was spot-on. It hits its emotional mark. It's hard (for me at least) to write an effective last line, so kudos to you.
"Each name is a mark against you, another coin to add to your thirty pieces of silver."
I absolutely love the Biblical allusion. It's familiar enough that most readers will get it, but the way you seamlessly integrated it into another sentence made it far from cliche. Really nice.
"coiling in the pit of your stomach" Just thought I'd point that one out, just because I really appreciated this line while I was reading. The visual imagery is very effective and quite nicely worded. I, as the reader, really could "feel" the guilt.
The title was interesting. It took me a moment to really catch on to what it was saying, but once I did I really liked how it underlined the theme of the entire piece. In fact, I found your title has nearly the emotional tug that your last line does, at least for me.
I tried very hard to find a negative critique for you, but I failed. Alas.
Great story, awesome writing!
Great story! A different view of Sirius leaving... I've read stories where there's lots of shouting etc. I liked how you developed Regulus' and Sirius' relationship, and I thought the last line summed it up really well.
Wow. I... wow. You made my cry a little. That was well written and a side of the story I hadn't really thought of. Awesome job!
First of all, I just wanted to say it was an absolute pleasure to read this one-shot. The whole complicated relationship between Regulus and Sirius was so wonderfully explored.
I especially liked the way you began the story. It quickly drew me in, and I found myself experiencing the same vague surprise that Regulus seems to be feeling: why isn’t there more of a fuss? Why isn’t everything…louder? Your first paragraph conveyed such a lovely range of feelings: guilt, surprise, and regret. You manage to describe the opening scene with negatives ( your parents don’t march down the stairs with matching expressions of disdain, for example) rather than actual description, which made it unique for me as a reader.
And when you think of that night, of everything you have been trying to hide underneath that Black sneer and those haughty words, it’s damn near impossible to convince yourself that it’s anything other than your fault. This sentence, more than anything else in the one-shot, crystallized for me the way you characterized Regulus: a little insecure and a little weak (although he’s brave enough to go after Voldemort on his own later). Most of all, Regulus seems to be the kind of little brother who totally looks up to his older one, although he’s also obliged to follow his family. The helplessness that Regulus is feeling due to being pulled in different directions came through in this sentence for me.
I’m sure they’ll be happy to have me gone so they can dote on their favourite son without any sort of distraction. Ah, do I see a little bit of envy/insecurity in Sirius here? I’m not entirely sure whether you meant to make this sound as if Sirius meant the phrase “favorite son” as an insult or not, but somehow I could imagine him thinking a lot about his own relationship with his family in this moment of cutting off ties forever.
I loved the last line! The way you manage to convey so much about the way Sirius might have had a hope that Regulus at least would take his side when the rest of his family hadn’t (and, even worse, that he didn’t know that might not have been such a false hope) in one sentence is amazing. All in all, thanks for writing such an amazing story – your characterization and dialogue descriptions were excellent and, like I said, it was a pleasure to read.
The first thing I want to comment on is the title of this fic, because I love it. It’s what initially drew me in, so great job there. I’m someone who almost always finds it difficult to name a fic, so any great title really impresses me.
I’m so glad I decided to click on this, because I think it’s a really wonderful piece. I am, in general, very picky about Sirius and Regulus fics, because so few authors write them well (in my opinion). But I was extremely pleased with this; I thought you handled the relationship between the brothers very well, using enough of what we know from canon to make it believable but also adding in some of your own personal thoughts on these two intriguing characters.
The way you start the fic is very effective. I love that Sirius’s leaving is quiet and that ‘the world doesn’t end or crumble down around your feet.’ That’s a great bit, because it shows Sirius’s decision to leave his family wasn’t necessarily earth shattering, but it was life-changing for him and, as written here, for Regulus. I do think losing his brother like that would affect Regulus quite strongly, and I’m glad you focused so much on that.
I also love that Regulus feels a sense of guilt over Sirius’s leaving, that he blames himself, at least in part, for the way things turned out. That he wishes he had been strong enough to fight with Sirius, rather than against him (a lovely tie in with the title, I should add) is really quite fantastic. What if Regulus had gone with Sirius? It’s so interesting to think about, but it’s also not what happened. Regulus didn’t leave, and that was a factor in how his life turned out. Oh, I really do heart this fic.
Macnair, Yaxley, Rosier. Each name is a mark against you, another coin to add to your thirty pieces of silver. I just love that, the coin metaphor. You know, as much as I love Regulus, it is important to remember that he did become a Death Eater. Of course he helped eliminate Voldemort in the long run, but at one point, he was fighting on the same side as the bad guys. Here, it’s interesting to see that Regulus wants to point out to Sirius that he isn’t a Death Eater yet. The distinction between being a Death Eater ‘yet’ versus ‘at all’ or ‘never’ is really nice, because it seems that Regulus already knows he will become a Death Eater. The characterization of Regulus in this fic is wonderful.
It makes you wonder if you have always been so alike, despite all the attempts to deny any connection. I think this is something a lot of authors touch on, but I like it all the same. It’s perfectly believable that Sirius and Regulus were more alike than either of them cared to admit, and it just adds to the sadness of this fic, this scene between the two of them. If Regulus had asked where Sirius was going, or if he had been determined to leave also – well, it’s certainly intriguing to think about. I’m glad you brought it up here, because it is something that Regulus probably would have been thinking about.
And just like that, with a click of a door, you’ve become just another person who has let him down. So sad, but I love it. Again, there’s the idea that nothing big and sweeping is happening here. There’s just a door closing, but it’s so significant in what it represents for, not only Regulus, but Sirius as well, and the relationship between both of them. That really is the end of whatever closeness they had, because now they won’t see each other as often anymore, they won’t be forced to live in the same house. Yeah, I sort of heart this fic. I also want to comment on your use of second person, because it really is my favorite tense, and I often find myself annoyed when people use it. I thought you handled it very skillfully; it didn’t feel out of place or a ploy for creativity. That was just the tense this needed to be written in, and it was fabulous. Great job!
Author's Response: Ah, thank you so, so much! This review seriously made my day. :) About the title -- I definitely hate coming up with them and owe this one to the help of Fresca/Colores (mine usually end up being random one word titles). And I'm really glad you liked the characterization! Okay, so basically, thank you so much for this review. :D
I really like this fiction maily because there are no yelling parents. There are very few fics that have only The brothers. It was well written.
Author's Response: Haha, yeah, I wanted this to be more about the brothers instead of the parents. I'm glad you liked it! :)
Author's Response: Thanks!
I loved this! Definately my favorite one-shot, you captured Regulus' thoughts very realistically
Author's Response: I'm glad you liked it! Thanks! :)
Congratulations, Melissa! Great job on the story, I love how unique it is. :) --ginnygirl16
Author's Response: Thanks! And thanks for being a wonderful beta. :D
absolutley brilliant. i loved it. so sad though. i loved the way you showed regulus's thoughts.
and the last paragraph i loved it! so great so final another person who has let him down. great job :)
Author's Response: Yay, I'm glad you liked the last paragraph! It gave me a little bit of grief. :) Thanks for reviewing!
I aboslutly love this story. It's amazing. That's exactly what I thought was going through His mind when Sirius left. You did an amazing job on this story.
Author's Response: Thanks so much!
This was amazing. It's a nice take on what really happened, without the cliches many other stories have. I like Regulus's thoughts... you've fleshed him out nicely.
My favorite line is the last- it adds to Reg's guilt, and is also a great way to end the fic.
I adore this story, and am definetely adding it to my favorites. Good job!
Author's Response: I'm glad you liked the last line! And thanks for reviewing. :)
uh, that was beautifully written!!!!!!!!
Author's Response: Thanks!