Russia, I really enjoyed this first chapter of your story. Your writing is lovely -- it manages to convey a sense of magic and mystery. I look forward to seeing what happens next!
Author's Response: Thankyou Laura! I am sorrry it has taken me so long to get around to writing this response... and not getting another chapter up! I will soon I promise! Thankyou so much for the review! Russia xxxxx
Russia, Russia, Russia.
That opening. Was amazing. I actually felt like I was watching a movie as oppose to reading! Seriously, how does that happen?
Your description, as everyone else has said, is wonderful. It’s so detailed, yet concise, and literally paints a picture in the reader’s mind. The paragraph about the shop, The shop front was small and relatively uninteresting. It was dingy and the brown paint was cracked and peeling. A large sign, written in chipped antique style letters read “Dargen’s Antiques”. draws you in. I know you say it’s uninteresting, but the uninteresting things in stories are usually the most interesting! (By the way, I love the name of the shop =P).
I like all of the little details you had in there, like her seeing the rocking horse and the violin. Speaking of the violin, let’s put a quote in here, “it was an old violin, two of the strings were snapped and the bow was nowhere in sight.” First off, you don’t just tell us it’s old, you actually showed us (bonus marks), and you could have just said that the bow wasn’t there, but instead you said it was missing, adding in a sense of sight and mystery (double extra chocolate bonus marks). You knew exactly what Jenna was doing in that shop, and you brought us there with you! And I am so glad you brought us there.
One itty bitty nitpick (there always has to be a nitpick, doesn’t there?), half of your story is in italics, girl! Am I missing something? Is it suppose to be that way? It’s not a big issue… just something I thought I’d point out. =)
Oh, oh, oh! Jenna turned to look again at the intricately carved wooden chest, “How did you...” Jenna began, turning back to the man. But the old man, was gone. I love this part! It’s such a classic mystery moment. It brings out the fantasy of the story, and I get chills thinking about Jenna’s position.
To sum it up, you and your story are awesome, so don’t keep me waiting for more!
Author's Response: Oh Sarrrrah! I love you so much! This review makes me smile so much! I am so glad you like my description, when I write I always have a very very clear picture in my head, and I am so glad that I am able to convey that picture to my readers! Describing the antiques shop was SO much fun! I love old antique shops, and the story behind every object. So it was very fun for me to write. No it isnt supposed to be in italics, italic tags hate me >.< Thankyou Sarah! I am so so so sorry that I HAVE kept you waiting for more! I promise I will have the next chapter up soon! Russia xxxxx
Even though you’re evil for holding my story hostage, I still love you, because it’s not hard to find words for this story. :] The writing is very beautiful and though there are a few grammar pickings I can find, I won’t go through the routine here—IM-poke me if you’d like me to point them out.
I’m just so curious as to where this story is going to go. There is so much I want to know about the shop and the locket and what it’s all going to mean to Jenna (also, I have an OC with the same name *high five!* xD). You’ve set up the story very nicely, where characterization, plot, and suspense is concerned. The reader gets a good enough idea of who Jenna is without knowing too much, i.e. not only is the meaning of the locket going to be a surprise, but her reactions and emotions won’t be predictable. You’ve given us just enough of a taste of personality that everything is up in the air—very, very nice. =D
The descriptive passages were just wonderful. I love how you’ve given life and interest to a run-down old shop in the middle of nowhere. The descriptions made the imagery POP into the mind, not only of the outside of it, but the interior of the shop, as well. Considering how full of old trinkets and junk and so much other stuff it is, to be able to follow every word and line and really *see* it, well, that was just wonderful.
Don’t leave me hanging for too long. xP Update soon, deary.
Author's Response: *cough* I gave you your story back didn't I? =D *high fove!* I didnt know you had an OC called Jenna! I am so so so happy that you like my writing =D I am so excited to write more now! I love you so much Ari, thankyou so much for the wonderful review! *tacklesquiggles* I am VERY sorry for leaving you hanging for WAY too long! I PROMISE to update son! *squish* Russia xxxxx
I'll second everyone else to say that you really write description well. It makes your world so lively and real. What I like about it is that it is not dry description; it's description through action. In my mind, nothing's better than a strong verb.
The shop front was small and relatively uninteresting. It was dingy and the brown paint was cracked and peeling. A large sign, written in chipped antique style letters read “Dargen’s Antiques”. Rain was hitting the roof of the shop and running into the rusty gutters; it had already filled them to the brim, and was now cascading down the wall, creating a mini waterfall out of the shop front. The shop was run down; there were plants, now being battered by the downpour, growing from the cracks in the stone and the telephone number underneath the shop’s name was so eroded it was barely legible.
I really enjoyed this paragraph because it's packed with a lot of action verbs because of the rain, but I like how in the same paragraph, you brought the curious, old building to life as well. I'm very interested to see where this story is headed.
(On a very off-the-beaten-path comment, I'd also have to second Jenna's sentiments about getting her hair done for an event. What a chore! Especially if the event — like a wedding — only lasts thirty minutes.)
Here's one thing I noticed that you might want to think about, and it's a very, extremely minor thing. I noticed that many paragraphs start with the word "Jenna." Granted, she's the only named character in the chapter, but maybe you can find ways to shake up to break up the opening repetition a bit.
It's a very different kind of story, which makes it very enjoyable. I haven't read too many stories featuring a major Muggle character. I'm excited to read more!
Author's Response: Thanks for the review Racer! I am so shocked that you all like my description! Lol I always used to hate writing description, but I am starting to like it more and more now! I alway see it as some can draw, some can desribe.. it seems only fair lol. Haha I agree about the hair thing, although really I like nothing better thanhaveing my hair fancy! I will go back and look at the start of the paragraphs :) and will definately watch out for it in my next chapter! I love having a muggle as a main character, she is someone we can all relate to, and she is lots of fun to write! Russia xxxxx
*squees* Another Russia fic! Yaay!
Now, just the summary and category alone drew me in- I love a good mystery. And the first chapter itself was even better.
You're very good with descriptions- I can imagine the scenes and characters very well. Jenna seems like a good MC- not too many fanfics have Muggles in such a major role. The little details are also fantastic- they make the story seem real.
This was such a good, action-packed beginning; exactly the type of fic I like. A nitpick, though- after the Latin line, the rest is in italics, too. I don't think you wanted that to happen, so you might want to fix it.
But, I love this. And you. So, please excuse my suck-upiness and lack of constructive criticism, because I really did like it :D
PS- Another story going into favorites... haha. I'll stop now :D
Author's Response: *squees* PnP! You make me so darn happy! I don't mind your suck-upiness at all ;) Thanks for the tip about the Latin Italics, the mod who accepted it saw it too, and it has been changed, I am just waiting for the changes to be accepted :D *Squees a little bit more* You are so awesome! I love you! *tacklesquish* Russia xxxxx Ps. heh, everytime you reveiw my fics, the rest of my week is made so much better :D ~~PROMISE TO UPDATE SOON~~
oooooo mysteries and intrigue running wild here! Very nice, can't wait to read the rest!
Author's Response: Ria! You have no idea how awesome it is to get 4 reveiws in the first night of a fic being up! Thankyou so much! I promise another chapter shall be along shortly! Russia xxxxx (Loves this getting reveiws thing!)
Ohh! Russia! I love it! You are a totally amazing author and I love your work. :)
I can't wait to read the rest of it! You better have the other chapters up soon or I'll scream! ;)
*Who is soo happy your story is up*
Author's Response: Awww Gen! Thankyou so much! I am soo happy you like it! I will ahve more chapters uo soon, I promise! Russia xxxxx
Oooooh I can't tell you how happy I am right now. It's so amazing to see this story up here... I love you *huggles* I don't know what to say right now... *tacklecuddles*
Author's Response: heh! *wins* I finally got Kara lost for words! I am so glad you like this story Kara, your opinion means the most to me in the world :-D *Tacklesquish* thankyou so much! This story owes averything to you, it really does. Russia xxxxx
I really like this story so far. I can't wait for the next chapter. Do you know how many there will be? Great job on the story so far!
Author's Response: Awww thanks Alyssa! You are so darn quick in there with your reveiws! You even beat Kara >.< lol I am thinking there is going to be about 13 chapters in this... That number may go up or down, but roughly, it should be close to that :-D Thankyou again! Russia xxxxx