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I pulled up Into the Ocean on my iTunes, just to put me in the mood. ^_^ I do love Blue October.
What I like about this is seeing Draco's thought process through a limited point of a view. It makes it feel more genuine. My only qualm with this is location. Draco lives in Wiltshire, which is the country. He's not that close to the ocean. In the reading, I felt like he just instantly appeared there, like Wiltshire is so close to the ocean, which it's not. I would have liked to have felt that when he made the decision to head towards the ocean instead of back home, it should have been a longer journey.
The journey in Draco's mind, however, while drowning, was quite engaging, and I felt for him, actually pitied him.
I have a few little SPaG nitpicks, to help you purty-fy your fic:
He thought of his parent's as sparingly as possible...
That should be parents. ^^
He didn't care if someone broke in, be it enemy or thief. He had nothing of importance, and money was needless spare for food, and he had enough of that in vaults at Gringotts.
Hehe, this implies that he stored food in vaults at Gringotts. Heheh. You might want to say 'and he had enough of the former in vaults...', unless he does store food there. ^_~
You seem to like to capitalise the next word after a colon. I'm not sure if you mean to have periods instead of colons.You do it quite a lot. You're also semi-colon crazy. Hehe. Always remember to use semi-colons sparingly and to replace a conjunction use to separate two related independent clauses (or replacing commas in a super list! Lol).
Now that nasty business is out of the way, I want to draw your attention to a few lines that really pulled at me, capturing the essence that is Draco:
It felt as if with every wrenching kick, the ocean itself kicked back, willing him to give up. All Draco did his entire life was give up.
This is just perfect: a perfect description of the ocean and of Draco's life, and the juxtaposition of both is artful, to say the least.
The rock he had jumped from was too far to reach; the current had pulled him too far away. His arms felt broken down but he pushed with all of his might towards it, breathing through the crashing of the waves, screaming through the pain in his limbs. He was pulled down again by the water but he thrashed himself back upwards, taking gasping gulps of air as he bobbed up and down, into the water and into the air, his legs hitting bits of rock as he drew nearer to the protruding bit of safety. When he finally reached the slippery stone he threw his arms on the jagged pieces, cutting his palms so that they leaked blood into the demanding ocean. With every painstaking pull, Draco drew himself out of the water until he was finally completely out of it; as he reached level ground his hand slipped and he fell, his ankles converging into the water again. It was only when he gave one last, painful pull that he came clumsily onto the surface, coughing and spluttering and gasping for air.
This, to me, is Draco's resolution, this is Draco becoming a man, actually fighting, trying, pulling, living--he is someone we can begin to respect. And, for me, this was the best part of the entire story. Draco has been baptised--a real baptism that washes away his sins, his failures, and lets him start again.
Hi there : -)
Firstly, congratulations on choosing some beautiful lyrics! They worked perfectly in your story. You certainly chose a desperate situation for your opening, which is great since I’m drawn in right away. I always love a opening which has some element of mystery in them. Why is Draco in the ocean? Hmm...and then of course you fool us all with the classic “nightmare” twist. I didn’t see that one coming!
I loved your description of Draco after he wakes up. You depicted the after-effect of a nightmare very realistically. I always like it when a writer can immerse the reader in a moment, and by focusing on the senses here – the burning in his throat, his racing heart, the bright light – really made his experience relatable.
The next section works as a strong contrast to the intense and urgent situation in his dream; he showers, reads letters, enjoys the sunlight and wanders off aimlessly. I really like this as it shows the state of his subconscious as opposed to his physical appearance. I found the description of Draco’s childhood very sad. A single memory of being allowed outside “once, briefly” was all it took to give the impression of a lot of misery.
I loved the next part where he walks off into a moor. It’s quite a classic tragic picture, and worked very well here. The next sequence goes into a kind of dreamlike montage: Draco in the mud in the middle of a storm. Draco turning into nothingness. Draco on a rock in the ocean. Draco jumping into the water.
I can’t say much more apart from wow, lovely imagery!
My heart ached for Draco as he battled against the waves. It felt like her was really trying to physically fight all the demons in his past, personified as the turbulent water.
I can only describe my reaction when I read the next piece as holding my breath and breaking into Goosebumps, thinking wow...The rapid flashbacks were stunning.
“They circled him now, souls of those that the Dark Lord had taken with him. They screamed at him, blamed him, hated him. He deserved to die—deserved for the ocean to pull him apart like the Dark Lord had broken them.”
That, is some amazing writing
This is so beautifully written... Wow... I love it... Please keep writing, this was marvelous! Absolutely marvelous. <3
What a great one-shot! Your idea of trying to describe the way Draco might have felt after his family name had been ruined was unique, and you did a spectacular job of making this plot bunny come to life!
I really liked the way you made this a songfic – the lyrics really suited what I imagined Draco’s mood to be, and you did a great job of weaving them in throughout the story. I would’ve rather liked the interspersed lines to be shorter, though – maybe you could’ve chosen two or three lines that fit best and put them in? If they’re any longer than that, they might disrupt the story a bit more than you want. Just a suggestion!
Your imagery was excellent throughout the story. I felt like I could really see the rainclouds and moors you were describing. You also did a great job of showing the way Draco felt at the beginning – a sort of hopeless despair at the way his life turned out permeated his every action, and I could really empathize with him. One thing I didn’t notice, though, was any sense of Draco blaming himself for what happened – does he really not see that he was at least somewhat responsible for the things he did? I mean, obviously he was forced to do them, but still. I saw more of this change at the end, when he probably realizes that he doesn’t have to do whatever anyone tells him, and that he, and he alone, is in charge of his life.
A few grammar nitpicks:
The sun had moved to hide behind a wall of bright white clouds but the air was still warm around him. There should be a comma after clouds. When he landed on the ground he heard a loud ripping noise and looked down to see that he hadn't been quite as articulate as he had thought. The word “articulate” threw me off here – you probably wanted to say “agile.” Articulate is only for speech, I think.
In any case, this was a lovely little one-shot that was a pleasure to read. The way you ended on a positive note was very inspiring. I can’t wait to read more of your writing!
Cool cool. i love that song. Blue October is amazing, and your story rocked it!
Blimey! THis is a powerful piece, Ari. I don't read a lot about the bouncing ferret, but you may have me converted. His whole outlook is very refreshing. He wasn't self-pitying, snivelling, or unbearably proud - he was just someone who wanted it to be over. When he jumped I was in shock. The whole flashback scenes as he was dying were handled superbly. You could have laid it on thick, but this was subtle and so it worked.
What I think I'm most pleased about is that he saved himself. For one moment I thought Harry had turned up and was pulling him out of the ocean. At that point I was pulling a face like this >.< , but then you showed it was a hallucination and so instead I was like this :-) . (Sorry, it's been a long weekend and I've gone a bit crazy!)
I had a minor nitpick over the use of the word gotten, but it's my pet Britpick peeve so ignore me.
Great story. Well done. ~Carole~