Well first off, I have to say that I love your use of the first person narrative. Especially in fics which use lyrics, it’s a great way of linking the lyrical narrative to the story.
The beginning of the piece was also really good; you establish a sense of mystery straight away by not introducing the character or the setting, which works really well as I *want* to read more to find out who this is.
There’s only one line in the opening section which bothers me slightly - “There aren’t even little animals running around.” The diction you use here with “little animals” does not seem to fit in very well with the tone, which seems more adult and mature. Had you used a phrase like “There isn’t a creature in sight,” the word “creature” fits in better with the mood there don’t you think? Contrast that to “little animals”...
I can say the same about the word “aloneness” you use in the next line. Something like “solidarity” might work better, especially if the character is an adult. I do however love this paragraph, with its short sentences. I see these recollections as thoughts which are hard for him to think about, and can almost imagine painful pauses in-between each of the lines, “It was also the first time I was beaten. I was only six years old at the time.” Very well done there. My heart broke a little when I read that.
Be careful of overusing a certain word too many times in a small paragraph. In the section just before the “Standing on my own” lyrics, you use “got” a lot. Just something to be aware of in the future : -) I am, however, completely mystified as to who this character is, even now, (I’m typing this as I go along), which is not something which happens a lot! I also feel a lot of empathy for him, which is great as this is an angsty piece.
Ah ha! It’s Sirius!
I think you’re showing lovely insight into Regulus’s character. The line, “He is tied down in a way that I never was,” is really good. I also love the change in tone to almost being resentful and sarcastic, but unwillingly so as he does care about his brother. I think you’re showing very good characterisation here again :- )
“Regulus isn’t poor.”
This line is my favourite so far. Very well done. It just shows the complexity of Sirius’s feelings at the moment, from despair to rage and envy.
On to the flashback. I love the opening – you showed great understanding of Sirius here with the Muggle clothing anecdote. I really enjoyed that – it reminded me of how he had posters of Muggle girls in bikinis on his wall.
I also love how well you understand the Sirius/Reg relationship. I always wondered what they were like at Hogwarts, and I think you wrote it perfectly.
All I can say about the last section is that it’s really sad. I think to just tie it up nicely I would have included another little section at the end , maybe even a single line from the present, but the lyrics on their own work well too.
I really liked it! Well done!
I loved this, Alyssa :D It was so great. I can totally imagine it happening like that.
I especially like the part when you talk about Andromeda. And the part in which Sirius thinks about Regulus. He sounds guilty, but bitter at the same time. really well done.
I like the detail you put into this. For example, how Sirius hides his wand in his pocket, covered by hi (Muggle) shirt.
I have a few questions. You say 'a week without food or water' but I thought one can't survive more than three days without water. Was she just saying that, or did she want to kill him, or...?
And the last line- you say 'I walked out the door for the last time'. Is that what he thinks at the moment? Or the last time when it is still the Blacks house? Because he will return, when it is the Orders Headquarters...
And when will he mention James, or think about him?
Again, amazing fic! *hugs*
Author's Response: A person can go two weeks without food and two days without water, but Mrs. Black was just exagerating (that's what I imagined anyways). For the last line, I didn't have him thinking about fifteen years in the future. It was just for that moment. He will think about James in a little bit. What I imagined was going through his head was that he was alone now, so he wouldn't think of anyone else. I'm so happy that you liked this, Andi. Thanks for reading and reviewing!
Alysssa! Yellow :-D I really liked this story, it was a good idea for a Sirius one-shot. It was really nice to see Sirius' feelings on the night he ran away. I wonder how long it took him to walk to James's lol. I have some nit-picks, because I am mean and I like nit-picking. :-D
"I’ve got threatened with one every week after that incident." This should be "I've been threatened.
"not that he doesn’t already have the finest already." You need to delete one of the "already"s
"I needed new school robes this year." There is some tense confusion here, it needs to be "I needed new school robes that year" or "I need new school robes this year"
"He doesn’t care about what happens to me. He is a Slytherin through and through." This sentence doesn't fit with everything else you have written about Regulus. hroughout the rest of the story, you have made it sound like Regulus actually wants to go with Sirius. he is really on the good side. You say that they ony pretend to not like each other, this sentence just doesn't fit. If they actually liked each other, surely Regulus would care what happened to Sirius?
"I didn’t give her time to answer it." I don't think you need the "it" here,
Sorry for the nit-picks! I really did like this story, the lyrics were used very well in the story, well done Alyssa!
*hugs* Russia xxxxx
Author's Response: Thank you so much, Russia! Thank you for nit-picking this story. I'm glad that you like where the lyrics were used. Thanks again, Russia!
wow this was really good! i particularly enjoyed the flashback! i thought it was well-written and very believable. I always wished that reg was a gryffindor and that he was as awesome as sirius... but i can only hope! do update soon!
Author's Response: Thank you very much! I had a lot of fun writing the flashback to I'm glad that you enjoyed it. I can't tell you how happy I am that you thought it was believable. I had a bit of trouble making it believable so I'm glad that it is now. Oh, this is only a one-shot so it's only going to have this one chapter. Thank you for reading and reviewing!