Hey Jess, reviewing you for SPEW. Typically I don’t read Next-Gen, but this one caught my eye.
First, I find your use of a very objective point of view very interesting. You tell the story in a very offhanded, matter-of-fact manner. Typically one would expect more bravado or emotion in a story such as this. Lines such as these:
After he emptied the contents of his stomach all over her shoes, a mere foot away from the toilet, he proceeded to knock himself out cold on the edge of the sink, falling into the puddle of his own sick. His shame did not stop there, however.
When he sat up, he realized that he was very naked, but that did not stop him. Like the foolish charlatan he was, he sloppily kissed her. After her head jerked away in shock and indignance, James realized his mistake as he saw her fist careening toward his face.
It caught me off guard a bit, but it does give the fic a kind of joking, tongue-in-cheek style that I like. I also enjoyed Harry’s mixed reaction. It seems in-character of Harry not to judge his son too harshly (he’d be quite hypocritical considering all of his own rule-breaking escapades) but it also shows his maturity. You’ve definitely characterized Harry as a mature father in this fic, although I’d be lying if I said that I’m not used to this kind of Harry. While he definitely matured enormously in the seventh book, as I don’t usually read adult Harry fics it still jars me. These lines particularly establish his characterization:
So, his oldest had discovered Firewhiskey for the first time. He was torn between relief that this one of many hurdles on the path to manhood was finally over and dismay, since the whole thing had taken place in Hannah’s bar.
Again, I also like your sneaky and humorous insertions, such as this line:
He made a mental note to himself to send the Longbottoms a thank you gift for not chucking James out on the curb, as he had probably deserved.
I also liked your characterization of James, which is appropriate to a young man, especially a young Potter. His anger at Harry’s laughter after finding himself naked is funny and reminiscent of his father and grandfather. I also enjoyed this cute and clever line:
Harry was incurably curious as to the identity of She-Who-Must-Be-Found.
The rest of the fic continues is a lighthearted, humorous fashion. I further enjoyed some funny lines, such as:
This was easily high on the list of stupid things his son had done. Of course, it wasn’t quite as bad as paying a First Year to fly a broom up the stairs to the girls’ dormitory in Gryffindor Tower to toss a Dungbomb, but it was close. Hannah was obviously not troubled by it, so Harry relented and chuckled along with her.
However, I did find the middle part to be on the slow side. The exposition with Harry and Hannah is unnecessary to the story, as it reveals what the readers already know (or have surmised). It’s cute to see old acquaintances talking, but it slows down the action of the story.
James’ brief bit about fooling with his haggard appearance was also cute, but seemed unnecessary as well. The story picks up again as Augusta and James finally meet again, and the dialogue is very cute and befitting of young wanna-be-lovers. I love that James can’t help himself from messing up so fantastically again, I did think that was quite funny.
You also showed off your descriptive skill when James and Augusta finally realize their feelings for each other, and this passage is very beautifully written:
When James touched her, Augusta felt like she had been burned. Fire coursed through her as if her veins were filled with lava instead of blood. She felt her whole body tingle, even in places she did not know beyond what the book her mother gave her when she was twelve had said those parts did. What were these feelings, and why wasn’t she still angry? He was touching her, and even after what he did last night, she liked it. That should not be possible. How was she supposed to stop it?
Finally, I love the last few lines and how you paralleled James’ attitude and behavior toward women with his namesake’s. Overall, a cute story a little inhibited by the dragging in the middle. However, I left satisfied!
Holy random story, Batman! I believe you've found my author page at its darkest. Eep. At least you didn't read my Gauntlet story. Crikey, it's really bad.
This story was written waaaaaaaaaaay back when I had no idea that head hopping was a no-no, and I suppose that I never bothered to reread it and make it better. I'm lazy like that. That being said, though, I do enjoy a story where not only one mind is being explored, and I think I did okay with making sure that the present narrative character was clear. That being said, from my extremely critical author's eye, this fic probably has more problems than strengths, but the parts you enjoyed are the ones I liked as well, especially the father/son chat part, hehe.
I never really considered it, but the part in the middle does drag on a bit. I might at some point go in and cut out Hannah and Harry catching up, though I wanted that bit where Harry surreptitiously paid a good chunk of James's tab, but it can still go. The part where James is trying to humanise himself by washing up is so going to stay, though, lol. It's so beautifully cliche.
Anyway, thanks for reading, reviewing and dealing with my rambling. I don't rightly know if you've ever reviewed me before, so well done! I'm glad you're getting some last minute SPEWing in and that you joined!
wow, you're an amazing writer! I loved this! i can't wait to read the whole fic!
Thank you very much. This is actually some of my very early writing, so my style has improved. I hope you like the rest of the story, because I put quite a bit of time into it. It's not what most people expected it to be, but I tried to make it into what I envisioned, not what was expected.
Thanks for reviewing, adn have a good day!
Teehee, such a sweet, little one-shot. Great story! I should read the whole fic. =DD
Author's Response: Ah, thank you very much for leaving some props for my humble work. TVoJP is my baby, sort of, considering the entire concept was founded on a dream I had with the phrase 'James Sirius Potter, you have been sentenced to spend the rest of your natural life in Azkaban.' Nineteen chapters later, and there's still a good bit to go. Hopefully you're okay with a long haul!
I loved this story! Your writing was excellent, and the situations you portrayed both realistic and at times very funny. Because of this story, I decided to try "The Vindication..." and I'm so glad I did.
Why thank you! There are so many stories about Harry's kids during school, but there are virtually none set during their adulthood. They're like brand new characters, and my only real restrictions with them are their ages, some of their physical features, and of course, the multitudes of cousins!
I'm terrible about feeling the need for my characters to suffer a bit. It only seems fair, after all of the sorrow Harry had to endure. I hope you keep reading VoJP, because I have 19 chapters written, and it's close to being finished, so as fast as the queue will spit them out, I'll be posting them.
Thank you so much for your review. I love reviews so much, I wish more people left them! (especially glowing ones like yours, lol)