I have just reviewed another fic written for this same challenge and it is really interesting to see how the prompt (which I have NO idea what it was) is interpreted differently.
I actually found the stage directions very effective. You handled the concept of dialogue with no description very well, but the stage directions just brought the whole fic into a picture and really pushed the feelings that you conveyed so well in dialogue.
I think you got Molly’s character pretty well actually. “My son, Fred, is – was – always a carefree boy.” I thought the way you used ‘is—was—‘ was really effective. That is what people who had suffered a loss really do, in just these simple words you managed to show so much pain and emotion.
“I wanted to yell at all of them and tell them to go home, but I had no power over them. They were all of age and they could do whatever they wanted to. They chose to fight. When they ran away to their respective places, I was lost inside. My babies were running straight into danger, and there was nothing that I could do. I LOVED this paragraph. I thought it was so heartfelt and just so... Molly.
I know this review is kind of short, but I don’t want to go into everything in too much detail as this is such a short fic anyway. There are some small points to crit, a few Americanisms etc, but honestly Alyssa, I’ll say it again you are improving leaps and bounds in your writing, it just shows that practice makes perfect! Please write some more, you improve with everything you write!
Well done Alyssa!
Author's Response: Thank you so much, Russia! I'm so glad that I got Molly's character down pretty well. The paragraph you mentioned is my favorite too; I think it fits Molly's character! I think there will always be Americanisms in my writing, and I think it's best that I give up on trying to make my stories more British. I don't really care, and I always put something American in anyway. :P And I'm so happy that you say my writing is improving; it really means a lot. Thanks for the great review!
Alyssa. HI :)
I really liked this. I considered taking up this challenge, but yours was so much better than what I was planning.
I loved how Molly was proud of her children, but regretted them fighting anyway. And the way you have her talk - one can really feel her sorrow and love for her son.
I have a few suggestions/comments/questions.
At the very beginning of her speech, Molly speaks of the relationship between the twins. Suddenly she goes on about how they once wanted to do an unbreakable vow on their brother. How are the two connected? Shouldn't the last part belong to the section about them playing pranks?
You say that they wouldn’t let anything happen to them. but who are you referring to as 'they' and who is 'them'?
Also, what confused me a bit is that you said he wasn't the brightest, but he has the ability of making people laugh. I think we agree though, that he really had incredible brains, he just didn't use them in the academic field. Molly says this later as well ('bright young man').
He is – was – always stubborn, but I could tell that he was sure of his choice. Here I think you should change the 'but' to an 'and', as it would connect the two thoughts better.
I liked that you had Molly break the speech off. It allows the reader to kind of think what else she would say (I for one thought she would address the audience more, in a way. She was giving Fred's background, so now I imagine her talking more of the presence, and what his death meant for her and the family...). It also shows how hard it was for her.
Great job, Lyss. Really, it was great. :)
---Andi (oh, and does this count as talking? jk :P)
Author's Response: For the they/them thing - "They" are Fred and George and "them" is the Gryff Quidditch Team. Unbreakable Vow - At the end of the paragraph I have it trailing off because she didn't finish it. She started her speech but got of on a tangent. She stopped herself. You know? I understand it, but I'm having a hard time explaining it. Sorry. His brightness - Yes, that's what I meant. :P I'm glad that you liked this, Andi. Thank you so much for reading and leaving me a nice review.