Dobby is dead.
It still makes me sniff to read those words. This is a very powerful poem, Carole and I'm glad you have finally put it up on the archives. I love the way you compare Harry's pain at the beginning as 'the thrust of a venemous dagger'. It feels as if you go full circle, because at the end of the poem, Harry experiences another type of pain, grief, which is also caused by a dagger - Dobby's death.
The only line which does not flow as well as the others is 'But one there, secured sorrow would remain'. It just feels a little convoluted
Overall, though, I love it!
Author's Response: Thanks for the review. Mmm, you could be right about that line. There comes a point, I think, when I can't work on something anymore. It needs fresh eyes. Glad you enjoyed it. ~Carole~
I didn't know you wrote poetry! Very cool! I love poems that rhyme (sorry, I just don't get free verse, lol) so I like this one. And yet it's still sort of free in it's flow and rhythm, which is nice. Actually, is this a loose sonnet form? The opening lines were great, as was the conclusion.Your word choices all contributed to a dark feeling,
Did you want suggestions? I like the idea of remaining vague with a poem like this - that is, maybe not using Voldemort's name directly. For example, you might use 'soul' for the word 'Lord' in the third line, and then when you get to Voldemort's name in the sixth line, use 'the Dark Lord' there instead. The only thing I noticed was in the third to last line: 'her blade cut the rescuer so" - I wasn't sure who 'she' was, since the last female mentioned was Hermione, and I didn't think that was right. I wonder if there is a way to make that clearer?
So what was the challenge? I hope you did well, I liked your poem! ~Gina :)
Author's Response: Aww, Gina, I wish you'd read it before I submitted, those are great suggestions. Yes, it's a sonnet and the prompt was a quote about corridors. Corridors always make me think of connections so Harry and Voldemort seemed obvious. The challenge was a triathlon, and we had to write three poems. I came second overall, but my Grease Parody won its section. Thanks very much for the review. ~Carole~
Normally, I steer (very) clear of poetry, as I don't particularly understand its appeal or the hidden meanings that are supposed to be in it (Emily Dickenson be damned, nothing but the original EMO chick). But, as YOU wrote this, I read it anyway, and I have to say, I actually like it. It may have something to do with knowing what it's actually about and not some vague subject that nobody can figure out, but yeah...
The imagery of Harry's internal struggles is pretty powerful, which concisely outlines the way he takes everyone's pain, everyone's suffering, on himself, as if it was somehow his fault, all the while battling the growing intensity of the connection with Voldemort's conscious mind. The way you captured the burdens of his mind is pretty wicked.
Yay for you, writing a poem that I like. :D
Author's Response: Thank you very much, Jess. I've only just got back into writing poetry having written some truly dreadful love poetry in the past. Glad you enjoyed it.