It's heart-warming to see Hermione being like herself in being so brave in kissing first.. and Harry is admirable in showing respect.......this is completely pure in depiction of love
This was really well-written, but I'm not sure how plausible it is.
The story is written as if to co-exist within canon. But if this is so, there is no way Harry could carry on a secret romance with Hermione, the girl his best friend loves. Harry's guilt complex wouldn't let him look Ron in the eye, and he would never be able to tell Ron that he loves Hermione "like s sister" after Ron destroyed the horcrux. Maybe your story is supposed to be further beyond canon than how I read it, but after my read-through it just didn't sit right.
Awesome!! I really love it when it's Harry/Hermione. I'm so glad that it remains true to the concept and does not disregard the novel or epilogue.
Er, I don't know how I never noticed this story in the queue when it came out, considering I normally watch for Harmony like a hawk.
Lyss, this was lovely. You managed to take canon events and give them a slight, what-if-this-happened-instead push, thus creating a little pocket of AU inside of established events. It's a lovely idea, one which I would have adored, had it happened in the series, but it was nice to see such a neat little snippet of what might have been.
I don't hide the fact that second person really isn't my thing, mainly because of the overload of the word 'you', just as the word 'I' drives me nuts about first person, butyou do well with it. Most novice 2nd person writers will begin every.damned.sentence. with 'you', but you thankfully keep it fresh and enticing. The focus is on the story, not the pronouns. Thank you for that. :)
All in all, this was a wonderful drabble-come-one-shot. I'm glad I decided to stalk the SBBCer story thread, because that led me to this story. :D
Take care and happy writing,
Author's Response: Hi Jess! Thanks for reading and reviewing this. I love second person. At first I was terrible at it, but I think I'm getting better. I'm glad that you think I did okay with them. Thanks for stalking that SBBC thread!
i was wondering why she stayed...i of course had my take on the reasons but to be honest i had really hoped for a h/hr ship. lovely chapter
Author's Response: Thanks for reading and reviewing! I wasn't thinking this while I read DH for the first time, but now I do.
Yikes, I love it!!!!!!! You did a great job with it!!! I like how you showed that they can have more to their relationship than just making out because they're so close. :D Keep writing these, please!
Author's Response: Thank you so much! I'll try to keep writing these because I really want to, but so far I have no good ideas. Thanks for reading and reviewing!
i loved it i coulndt of said it better how you wrote it was awsome its like they were ment to be in this .
Author's Response: Thanks!
I enjoyed it!! I liked the fact that she wasn't with Ron, they are annoying together, like two polar opposites!
Author's Response: I liked that too! Thanks for the review.
Uhm, Alyssa... WOW!
First of all I would just like to say how MUCH you have improved as a writer. You admit on your author’s page that you don’t like your early stories very much, but they are actually not all that bad. But I must say, your writing has come on leaps and bounds from the first Fanfictions that you wrote. I know that you have had problems with tenses in the past, and when I saw that this fic was written in second person I immediately worried that there would be some tense mistakes, but you know what? There weren’t! You actually handled the use of second person really well, I am very impressed as it is not an easy thing to do, yet another sign of how much you have improved as an author.
When I looked through your author’s page I picked this one mainly because of its length. I wanted to see how much you could fit into such a short story and I have to say I was pleasantly surprised. I did not expect at all that you would cover so many years in such few words, and yet it didn’t seem rushed at all. You make the relationship of Harry/Hermione seem so possible, and so simple.
Your characterisation of Hermione is actually pretty good her feelings are well written and the way she blushes when she is with Harry is so cute!
“Truth be told, you would have talked to him: you were almost at Hogwarts, and he hadn’t changed yet. You couldn’t let him go unprepared.”
I loved that line, it was very Hermione. I don’t know if Hermione is a character you have written very much before, but I would very much like to see you write some more if her. I think you mention somewhere a sequel to this? I would really like to read that if you decide to go ahead.
One bit I didn’t quite understand, I think Kara mentioned it in her review as well, was when they fought? It seemed a bit disjointed from the rest of the story. Maybe if you went into a little more detail about WHY they fought, because that is the only part of the story that seems rushed a bit odd. This paragraph:
“Once at Hogwarts you became friends. You told him what you had read in the books about him. He had heard some of it before, but he sounded excited nonetheless. You liked hearing him like that. But, when you stopped talking to him, you felt lost. You didn’t get to hear him, not to mention that you didn’t have anyone to talk to at all. It was just so hard when you didn’t talk. You never wanted to fight like that again
Could just do with some more detail in it, because at the moment it sounds a bit like they just stopped talking and the fight isn't mentioned until the end of the paragraph, I just think some more detail here would make it great.
Two teensy nit-picks before I go, “He had to flaunt the fact that he had found himself a girlfriend He never had time for you or Harry anymore.” You need to put a full stop after ‘girlfriend’ and “He didn’t say anything; he just kissed you again. You were surprised by that – he had never showed any interest in you before.” ‘showed’ should be ‘shown’.
I was really impressed with this fic, Alyssa and I can’t wait to read more of your work =D
Author's Response: Thank you so much, Russia! I'm so happy that you think I'm improving as a writer. I think it's the best compliment that I've gotten. It means a lot to me. :) I wasn't sure if Hermione was done right because I've never done her before, so I'm glad I got her right. Thanks for pointing out the mistakes! I'll change them soon. Thank you for the review!
I knew I had read this before... anyway, now I finally get around to reviewing it too!
First of all, I'm not a Harry/Hermione shipper AT ALL! But since I liked this story quite much, I won't let that influence my review :D
What I really liked about your story was how you drew the parallels between different times and situations. First, there's the Ron/Lavender thing that stands as an opposite to Harry/Hermione. While Ron and Lavender snog most of the time and don't talk too much (doesn't Ron even admit that himself at some point?), Harry and Hermione mostly talk. While Ron abandons his friend a lot, Harry and Hermione take care of each other – as friends too. And then you draw another line to the end of the story, when Hermione is there for Harry like he was there for her a year before.
While I liked that a lot, there was something that bothered me, too, though. There are bits in the beginning and the end that just feel... somewhat disconnected.
You told him what you had read in the books about him. He had heard some of it before, but he sounded excited nonetheless. You liked hearing him like that. But, when you stopped talking to him, you felt lost. You didn’t get to hear him, not to mention that you didn’t have anyone to talk to at all. It was just so hard when you didn’t talk. You never wanted to fight like that again.
When you started talking to him again, you felt better.
You jump from their train journey and arrival at Hogwarts to some point in the books when they had a fight... Is this about the Firebolt? I probably should know, but at this point, I have no idea really. What is she talking about? You lost me a bit there. I think it's a good idea to insert this fight as a point where she couldn't talk to him (since at the very end you mention the importance for Hermione of having Harry around), but it would be better if you had said just what the fight was about. If this is about the Firebolt, for example, you could have written something like "...., not to mention that you didn't have anyone to talk to at all – and all because of a racing broom."
But maybe it's not as important really. It just confused me at that point, and in a way because of that I only really started seeing it as a proper story when the main part started after the *.
Another thing about this paragraph is that you said "Ronald" instead of Ron. It's the only time in the story that you do it, and – consistency etcetera aside – I think the only people who call Ron by his full name are teachers like Dumbledore and Ron's Auntie Muriel. Would Hermione (and I'm speaking about her here because this story is somehow told from her POV and therefore I'm assuming the narrator sits in her head) really call him Ronald in this situation?
Now, about the ending - I liked this a lot, actually. I just wish you had made it a bit longer. While I see the connection in a way – as I said above, Harry needs Hermione's support like she needed his before – I don't see it in many others. How does Hermione feel about Ron now that he's left again (because you mentioned how she felt about him not spending time with them before)? How does Hermione feel about Harry now? The thing is, I'm not opposed to open endings in general, and I don't think it always has to be absolutely clear if two characters end up married with children and everything. But if you draw the parallel to the situation earlier – does this mean they get romantically involved again too in your story? And what do you mean, she "couldn't stand to be without him"? This, as a last sentence, left me a bit... well, thought-less, in a way, and I really wish that if you want to leave the ending open, it was thought-provoking, you know?
As I already said, I liked your ending and the way you built up the whole story. I just wish you had used a couple more words to tell it. The ending seems incredibly rushed, and while it does, in a way, achieve a positive effect too, I think you could have a different and much better effect if you chose to add more to it.
You mentioned that this was a challenge, so possibly you had a word limit. But you know, now that you've shown you can tell the story in 850 words (I think this is the shortest oneshot I ever read!), why not go back and edit it? I think it would be absolutely worth it, and you could get a really wonderful story out of it, because the potential is all there.
Now, to end this on a happy note :D – I really have to compliment you on your writing here. Second person is not easy to write, but this was surprisingly enjoyable to read. I'm very impressed by this, and it's just another reason for me to really really hope that you chose to have another look at this story and edit the beginning and the ending a bit.
Author's Response: Hi Kara! Thank you so, so much fir the review and the compliments! I want to write a sequel and I've started it, but I'm having trouble with Hermione's characterization. It's not working too well. :( And, on top of that, I have writers block. Yeah. But I can't wait to write it! Thanks for the comments!
I loved the story, I just wish it had more chapters.
Author's Response: I'm going to write a sequel sometime, hopefully soon. Right now I'm trying to write one from Ron's perspective, but it's going to be different from this. Thank you so much for reading and reviewing.
This feels sort of inconclusive. :/ There’s a lot of images and scenes that were incorporated quite skillfully (so many, along with so many emotions, and they all wove together perfectly), but it comes to an end not abruptly, but . . . inconclusively. Since you included both canon and non-canon, I think you should have made the ending more clear. I.e., you showed how it parted from canon, but in the end when we go back to Ron/Hermione, you don’t show us how it got back to it. Does that make any sense, at all?
I did love Hermione’s characterization, though. Even though it was H/Hr, her thoughts and rationalizations were still so true to her character. The sentiments to her being lonely were very subtle, yet extremely strong; one of my favorite elements over all. And you handled the ‘you’ voice so well; it takes an especially skilled author to make me enjoy a story with this PoV.
Very lovely story!
Author's Response: Yes, I know what you mean. I had a word limit for the challenge, so I didn't have much to work with. Before I submitted it I added more, but it didn't really work. I didn't like it. I'm going to write a sequel. Hopefully. I'm so glad that you like her characterization. I haven't really written her before, so I was worried. Thank you so much for the review.
Oooooh this was creative. Harry/Hermione is a ship that I don't totally understand (Mwaha, I think that's just because I'm a big R/Hr person) but I liked this cute idea that they were kind of each other's secret. Nice job :D
Author's Response: Thank you so much! I'm so happy that you like it. Personally, I'm not a fan of R/Hr, (except for your story :p) so I thought that I'd go for Harry/Hermione. Thanks again!
Well done, Alyssa! I had forgotten that you wrote this for the exchange and I'm glad you've put it up on the archives. We need fresh Harmony blood :p
I really like the use of 2nd person. I find not a lot of people like reading 2nd person but I adore it so well done. I think the beginning is a bit...unequal if that makes sense. Because you dwell quite a bit on the ride into Hogwarts and then sort of brush over some other events in the next couple of years and then suddenly it's HBP. Perhaps if you went over some other events, build up Hermione's relationship with Harry a bit more because you have plenty of time to do that within the fic as it is quite short.
But overall I always enjoy Harmony and this is no exception. I usually prefer Harmony set after HBP (either during DH or after) but I really liked your fic. It's an interesting take on the whole Harry/Hermione thing!
Author's Response: Hi, Julia! I know what you mean about it being unequal. I origionally added more to this, but it messed with the flow of the story, so I got rid of it. I thought about writing a sequel about when they are alone, but I'm not sure if I'm going to. Now that I think about it again, I'm getting an idea.... Anyways, thanks for reading and reviewing!!
It's a good attempt. I like the secret end of it... a bit short. Only one question: how is the song contemporated into this?
Author's Response: First off, I don't know what contemporated means, so I'm sorry if I answer this wrong for you. I had the lyrics with me the whole time so I knew what they were. I decided not to add them to the fic because I didn't really write this story scene by scene. It all kind of blended together. I have no idea if I answered your question or not, but I hope that I did. If I didn't you can ask me again somehow. Thank you so much for reading and reviewing!
I like how you used 2nd person, very uncommon on stories such as these. I really enjoyed this!
Author's Response: I'm glad that you like it! Thanks for reading and reviewing.