wow that was really good, keep up the good work :)
Teddy is as clumsy as my little brother
Oh No, you can tell it's not going to be good! Love the story!
You would think with Voldemort still at large, she'd be just a little bit more careful...I like the story though, but Victoire seems pretty stupid.
Aw! can it continue. OH! I thought Ginny was Harry's GIRLFRIEND!!
I love this story! I can't wait for it to be updated! great job! ;) --FawkesToTheRescue--
Author's Response: Thanks, I'm glad you liked it! :)))
Okay listen to ME. dont listen to what the other people say. I think that since we are all not like published writers here we need to calm down and look at the discription and story of the work, not the fact of how did she get her own wand or how do they get the newspaper with no trouble. i mean come on every story here has some holes that people didnt think of. this is one of my favorite stories in this site and i cant wit to see it finished. i really like the discription and the fact you feel like your there.
P.S. love the fact you brought the time turner back! Genius if you ask me !
Author's Response: Well, constructive criticism is always helpful. :) I'm really glad you liked it though! :)
cool story, i'm excited to see where you take the plot. can't wait for the next chapter.
Author's Response: Thank you, it should be out soon. :)
After reading the first few lines, I was amazed at how descriptive you were! Your imagery is beautiful; I can almost see the characters and the scenes as I read along. I think the way you describe Victoire's looks is outstanding (I love your use of the word "smattering").
Some things are a bit far-fetched, such as all their spells being so foolproof that no Death Eater could EVER get through. While many people are in the D.A, there are probably hundreds of people who have now joined the ranks of the Death Eaters now that Voldemort triumphed. Protective spells can't stop entire armies. And Neville seems to be able to travel out of the house perfectly fine to go get a newspaper. Also, Hermione supposedly gave her Time-Turner to McGonagall physically, and whilst at Hogwarts, so there isn't really a reason for Victoire to find the Time-Turner at the Weasleys' home. And how did Victoire manage to get her own wand, when England was being rampaged by Voldemort (plus, after twenty years, I doubt England is the only country he's influenced)? Perhaps if her wand was a hand-me-down, it would be more believable. I know this is an AU fic, though, so some inconsistencies are all right. Just try not to make them seem too convenient for the characters.
Fleur's accent, though you said her English had improved, was a bit over-done. Substituting the "th" for "z" and removing the "h" at the BEGINNING of words only would have been sufficient. I also find it odd that although Fleur says "Good night" to her son, he responds in French. It would flow better, I think, if they both responded in the same language.
It is sometimes hard to believe the characters are in hiding, apart from what they mention verbally. As I mentioned before, Victoire has her own wand, and Neville ventures out of the house just to get a newspaper (and it seems as though he does this a lot). Victoire seems greatly affected by the war, because she can't attend Hogwarts with Teddy, but why would that even be a priority for her? I'm sure she would have some resentment for that, but I believe she would be more focused on helping out the D.A, even if she isn't of age. In these types of situations, especially when Victoire has known no different, we'd expect the characters to be more focused on the outcome of their future than what could have been.
Good luck on your next chapter!
Author's Response: First of all ~ thanks SO much for your feedback, I really appreciate it. :) Yes, I reread it, and the newspaper thing seems to be kind of far-fetched to me, too. xD I think I put it in there so I could have Luna say that, lol. And, yupp, Fleur's speaking was probably the hardest part of the whole thing. I'm probably going to have to fix that. As for the wand -- I think it might make sense if they had a wandmaker in the D.A.? Hm, I'm not sure. I'm thinking about making it a hand-me-down, but, again, it's not quite set in stone. Victoire's resentment...I'm toying around with this, too. I think she's partly a stubborn teenager. She really feels confined where she is and wants to get out into the world. :) Again, thanks a lot! :)
Hello Ellie! I like the start of your story. I loved your intro into the chapter -- there was enough going on that I was interested, but you still conveyed the differences from canon so we know the premise for your story.
I'm finding it hard to believe your premise. Even if Harry died and Voldemort's side won, I can't see it turning out like this. If the D.A. was the rebel force (I assume they combined with the remainders of the Order after the Battle at Hogwarts?), I don't think they'd be all holed up in the Burrow. If they're going to be in hiding, I'd expect them to flee the country, prehaps to France or even across the Atlantic to the Americas. I don't think they'd keep the kids at home for sparse schooling, either - more likely, they'd be sent off to Beauxbatons or a English-speaking school elsewhere. At least they'd have a schooling system well set up, maybe in the basement of The Burrow, with one or a couple of the more knowledgable members of the D.A. as the teacher(s). They would want to make sure their children got as full of an education as they could possibly provide.
I feel as if I've seen a Time Turner plotline often. I hope that you can bring an original turn to the idea, as it's a fairly tired plot device. I'm also having a hard time believing that Hermione hadn't returned the Time Turner -- she would have been notified that it hadn't been returned by both the Ministry and McGonagall if it had been lost after she gave it to the owl or if she forgot it, and if she lost it, it would only take a simple Summoning Charm to find it (unless there are enchantments against that on the Time Turner?)
With your last paragraph -- it doesn't sound very official. If there were to be a tag on it, I'd see it as saying something more like:
Time Turner #568
Return to Ministry of Magic
I wouldn't see them as using exclamation points, as most warning labels I've ever seen don't have them.
I'm interested to see how your story will proceed. Best of luck!
Author's Response: First of all, thank you. :) I think that for the plotline, it would be better to have it set in the Burrow, as it makes it easier to take the story foreword. As far as the D.A. is concerned, in my imagination I think that the Burrow would be their base. The place where all the defensive spells are, the place that is most protected, like Grimmauld Place for the Order of the Phoenix. But there would be other places for them to stay, I assume. Again, I kept them there for the plot. Education...yes, I toyed with the idea of them going to another school, but eventually I decided to keep them there, because it seemed slightly more realistic. I think that probably they got a fairly good education--nothing like Hogwarts--but it would have been hard, as they are constantly rushing in an out of the Burrow and travelling around. Yes, I assumed Time Turner would have been overused, I'll see what I can do to make it original. xD And I'm trying to think of a good excuse why Hermione wasn't able to return the Time Turner--I'm toying around with a few ideas, you'll see. ;) Yeah, I totally agree with the thing about the tag, I'll probably change that as soon as I can. :) ~ Ellie
This is a very interesting story idea! I'm not usually one to read stories involving the next-generation children, but your summary intrigued me and I'm glad I decided to check it out! I can't wait to see where you take this. :)
Author's Response: Thanks--I'm glad you liked it. :) I'm waiting for the second chapter to be validated at the moment, but it's all written. =)
This already has the makings of a great story, and I really can't wait to see what the next chapter brings!
Author's Response: Thanks--I'm glad you like it. I'm working on the second chapter, and it should be out in a couple days. :)
ooooh. Intriging. I've seen a few Harry Potter didn't win the war stories, but none quite like this. I like the way you chose to kill off Harry. I've never seen it done in a way without Voldemort killing him directly. I think this is a good take on the idea that prophecies when prophecies come true it isn't because they must, it's because the people involved choose to make it so. Harry did choose to make it so, but he died before he could do anything. I also like that this way, you don't have to deal with confusing ways to make it work out that Voldemort killed him even though he had Harry's blood. I can't wait to read the rest of this story! :)
Author's Response: Thank you. :) I didn't think that it would truly be realistic if Voldemort killed Harry, with the whole mess of the elder wand and all the other stuff that was leaning towards Harry winning. It was much easier to kill him off this way, lol. I'm really glad you liked it! The next chapter will come soon.