MuggleNet Fan Fiction
Harry Potter stories written by fans!
Name: One Lily
(Signed) · Date:
01/28/11 18:53 · For:
that was great
(Signed) · Date:
09/17/10 21:51 · For:
(Signed) · Date:
09/05/10 4:33 · For:
I really liked how you set up the story and Remus' feelings of confusion - I thought you could have honed in a bit more on his feelings of guilt though. To be honest, I found the last paragrah a bit of a let-down... it doesn't really sum up Remus' feelings or how they've changed, or his love for his family no matter what. Your title was nice, perhaps you could have put something about that in the last line?
Overall I enjoyed it though :). A creative idea.
Author's Response: Thanks for the review!
Yeah, I know what you mean about the ending. I was having difficulty ending it, and I still go back and re-write it, and each time I still don't feel satisfied with it. I'll change it when I can find something better!
(Signed) · Date:
09/01/10 11:50 · For:
A creative scene to write about Tonks giving birth :) I have feedbacks for you exploding in my mind, but not all of them are quite positive and not quite negative either, but I hope you don’t get discouraged! I’ll just be pointing some things that might improve your writing. :)
The garden came up well this year, he decides.
I think it would have been better if you took out ‘he decides.’ The phrase seemed to be acting like a clutter. The whole opening paragraph was very lovely – the descriptive way you wrote it was simple yet vibrant in the sense of being graceful.
. . . each one gently holding its poise before beginning to dance when the summer came in a few months.
THAT is my favourite line. It was so artistic and at the same time, very poetic of you to base the petals of a flower as a dancer! But then, I got confused.
This is his escape.
Escape from what? From his wife?
Remus contemplating on the numerous colors of the flowers then having sentiments push through him gave him his ‘air’. What I mean is that adding thoughts about his wife made him more solid, thus becoming IC (in-character). Tonks’s shout being compared to a portkey was again, very creative! I’ve never thought of cries for help as a portkey, but it made so much sense and the line also says how Remus was by his wife’s side in a blink of an eye.
I can’t help but smile at the part where Remus didn’t know what to do. It’s all just so typical male, don’t you think? Even male wizards don’t know how to deal with that. His anxiousness and ‘what am I going to do?’ attitude was evident though he didn’t say it. I love how you wrote Remus as someone who looks at Tonks like she’s fragile (which she was at the moment). I can picture the scene in my head: Tonks’s body sprawled around the bed with pain governing her. The questions he asks himself about fear contributes to the fact that he’s about to be a father; a very nice detail :)
When he’s satisfied of her comfort, or the closest that he believes she can call comfort currently, he reaches over her shoulders and feels the hard, unnatural thing that was to be inside her for just a few hours longer.
I was disturbed at the mention of the ‘hard, unnatural thing.’ Even Remus as a werewolf wouldn’t think of his child like that, no matter if the child would come out as human or not. That may just be me though.
It’s the uncertainty that causes his feelings of dread to equal his feelings of concern for his wife, who smiles weakly at his touch, and there’s something else there, something he can’t, through all the confusion, place his finger on.
This made me go ‘aww.’ That was sweet. :) I can almost imagine his face as his feelings collide. The mention of a feeling he can’t quite figure out what it was made it all the more real. However, the phrase ‘through all the confusion’ gives a sense of a past tense so I think it would be better to say ‘with all the confusion.’
She whispers to him in incoherent fragments, her voice ebbing in and out, the irresolute tide gracing the shores of strength.
Good galloping gargoyles, the irresolute tide gracing the shores of strength? Incredibly poetic! I’m beginning to see you have a talent for this kind of narration. You should write some poetry – I know I would read it.
Andromeda being unsure to what should be done is another excellent detail. Some authors would miss how the wet nurse, or in this case, a mother, think in this particular situation. I think the lines describing that were one of my favourites in this fic, too. :D
Just another nitpick:
The rare skirt she is wearing is folded over, onto her stomach.
You don’t need the comma there after ‘over.’
I just love the last part. I think your writing there was yet again, brilliant. I’m going to say it again because I can’t keep from using it: your lines are so poetic, so artistic. The scene of the baby coming out was beautiful. Basing it by the feel of the child rather than visualizing it was fantastic. You put it so gracefully.
I think the ending deserved more than what it is. A sentence describing his love and joy for his family would be better than leaving it with ‘spreading the news.’ Over all, it was a lovely read. I’m serious about the poetry – you should really write one. I hope you wouldn’t be discouraged to my remarks! I enjoyed reading your story, and I hope you write more! Goodluck! :)
Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review. I really appreciate all the time and effort that you must have put into that!
I understand what you mean about the ending - as I said above to another review, I've tried to write it many times and not got it quite right yet, and I'll edit it as soon as I can get something better.
You've given me some fantastic feedback that'll be really helpful, so thank you again!