I would've been happy with the single word change, but you added an extra dollop of awesome with "wanton". It suits so much better and links to "lusting" in the third stanza.
I feel like singing Phantom of the Opera:
Bravi, bravi, bravissimi!
I suppose I could see more things I didn't like now that I haven't looked at it for a month or so. It's easier to edit that way. Half the times, with my poetry, I mean to do that anyway but never remember. Thanks for the prod in the right direction, dear.
Hi, Jess, I read your reply, and I know how you feel, you've moved on to another writing project, but if you would consider taking a few seconds of time to edit one word, to change "monument" to "tribute" I'd be a grateful reader.
Your poem won because it evokes a visceral reaction, and if you'd edit, it would keep the emotional tension strong throughout instead of breaking near the end with a misused word.
Author's Response: Lol, if it means tha tmuch to you, I'll do it just for you. :D
I only throw rotten veg in the rubbish bin, so I'm glad to toss you a flower of praise--a Chinese bellflower, blue or white (your choice) that blooms in Autumn and can be eaten in salads. :)
I read the beginning note after the poem, so "a tritina" answers my question about structure choice.
I found the imagery striking. You captured the essence of Greyback and showed why he loved being a werewolf.
I do have questions about a few word choices. In the first stanza, "soft glow" is a bit of a stock phrase and doesn't quite fit with the bending, twisting, seething that came before. That could have been an opportunity to use an unusual description, like cold beauty.
The third stanza describes the fear of prey as "a monument", but that's off, because a monument is a structure, a building, gravestone, etc. Tribute would convey your meaning without giving anyone the mental image of prey carrying around statues in Fenrir's likeness (okay, that's just me).
Thank you for sharing your poem!
Well hello! I haven't seen you forever, so what a lovely surprise. :D
I'm glad you enjoyed the poem. I still am completely dumbfounded that it won the contest for which it was written, because, like you, I see these flaws but can't be bothered to go back and fix them, honestly. Nonetheless, I'm glad you enjoyed it, and I've enjoyed your visit, as well.
Take care, and hopefully the pup isn't chewing on any more plastic. >.<
No wonder this won that challenge, yo! This poem is brilliant. I love your wit here, Jess. And I dunno if you meant this to be funny, but it made me laugh as well. The last line, by the way, is freaking awesome.
Real bad-a#@ poem!
Aww, thank you dear. I'm glad you like it...cause I think I still hate it, lol. It was another one of my lunchbreak poems that I cranked out merely for the sake of getting it done. :D
Thanks for stopping by, Miss Bestia!
You already have a review for this on PA, but another can't do you any harm .. I suppose. I really love this poem. It is so insightful and really made me think about the pain of transformation. Greyback's enjoyment of that pain was terrible to imagine, but so fitting for the depraved beast he was ... and makes Remus' revulsion of himself that much more meaningful.
The wonderful thing about your tritina is that the reader doesn't notice the repetition of the end lines - always the trickiest part. A well-deserved winner (she says through gritted teeth). No, I really mean it. Brilliant idea, and superbly executed. ~Carole~
Haha, lovely review, dear. I still can't believe it won, because yours kicked so much more ass. I suppose I've always wondered why the hell someone could enjoy being a predatory monster so much. I've had this fixation with Remus lately, so thinking about what makes him, well...him, has become a ponderous affair to me.
I'm glad you liked it, considering I wrote it on my lunchbreak at work while watching Days of our Lives on TV. :D
I'm still laughing over how much you put this down, only to win first place! It really is quite good, now that I've read it a few times and am finally starting to understand the form. What sets it apart, I think, is the three verbs that start each stanza. That's briliiant, and your word choice for each set really sets a dark and forbidding tone, perfect for the character. The three words were a great choice, and always flowed smoothly. My only question would be about using 'midnight lord' for while I get the point about the werewolf coming out at night, I'm still reminded a bit much of 'Dark Lord' and wonder how something else might read there. But really, I couldn't have written something like this, so who am I to say anything? It's great - congratulations! You'll get us another Cup yet! ;) ~Gina :)
Hello there, twin of mine!
I'm still not convinced that this poem is any good, as the format of it is a complete bastard, but I suppose it's more about the subject matter than what I actually wrote for it. I used the three-verb triplets to add to the theme of 'three', plus, they just sounded cool at the time.
I chose 'midnight lord' because of Greyback's delusions of grandeur. In his mind, he was more than just Moldy Shorts's lackey and minion. He was a force of nature, a dark prince that only deigned to follow another. No one said he was very bright, lol.
Lovely review, milady. I shall see you around. I'm writing Katie/Oliver at the moment, instead of hacking at the gargantuan list I have going on.
That was amazing.
I love the dark imagery, and the poem has a beautiful rhythm to it.
Thank you, Cat-Who-Is-Cool, as well as for being its first reviewer. When I wrote this, I was on my lunchbreak on the last day of the challenge. I didn't think it was that good, and I only did it for the points. I like that it's better than I thought, which is always a pleasant change. :D