Reviews For The Lovers' Flame
Reviewer: xxbabewithbrainsxx
Date: 10/12/10 12:41
Chapter: A Sonnet

Wow...I'm not usually into sensual poems, really, but that was really good. I liked the alliteration too!

~Soraya~

Author's Response:

Thank you, dear. I'm glad you liked it. :D

~Jess

Reviewer: Gmariam
Date: 10/12/10 12:35
Chapter: A Sonnet

You're quite good at this form, you know! I like it! You've done a good job with the subject, the prompt, and the rhythm. There were only a few things that tripped me up a bit. You know what one is, right? "Wanton want and wandering" - great use of repetition with the 'w' sound, only 'wanton' and 'want' just seem too close. What about 'wanton need and wandering'? That might chance your intent too much, but it's a thought.

I would suggest 'underneath' for 'under' because as I read it I just wanted another syllable there. And to keep the rhythm flowing between stanzas, perhaps you could try 'Our lover's flame' in place of 'And our love's flame.' It's mostly a question of where you put the emphasis when you are reading, I guess, but I do think the 'and' disrupts the flow somewhat.

The only other thing was the rhyming couplet at the end - it totally works, but there is something about using their names that almost spoils the beautiful spell you've cast with the rest of the poem. Mostly that's because 'Hermione' is such a long name, lol, and then when I got to the last line, I was thinking 'my Won-Won' instead of 'my Ron.' O.o Not sure how you could tweak that and still be specific as to what couple you are writing about, though.

So although it sounds like I'm nitpicking, that's only because I think these few things would take this piece from a really good sonnet inspired by Natalie's poem, to a poem that really stands strong on it's own. Plus I get rhyme and rhythm far better than I do free verse. ;) I really like it, I hope you write more!
~Gina :)

Author's Response:

Greetings, Twin. :D

I see what you mean by your various points and whatnot, and I'm fairly certain that in my actual submission, I'd changed that one line to "our lovers' flame" like you'd suggested. I just never changed my draft on my computer, I think.

For the rest, please remind me later (when I had not just crawled out of bed and have no will do to anything yet) to take a look at these things, or I'm going to completely forget. Lovely review as always. 

~Jess

Reviewer: Kaiserin
Date: 10/12/10 7:30
Chapter: A Sonnet

Sexy!! LOL!
I can see the sensuality, that's for sure.
A funny thought overcame me after readin it. I could so very clearly see Hermione play this tune inside her head, reading it to Ron even.
Ron's answer, however, would be something like, "Yeah, let's do it!" LOL!

Anyhow, I don't usually read poetry fics. But I really liked your sonnet.

Author's Response:

Thank you. I'm glad you liked it. :D

I soooo see what you're saying about Ron. So crass, lol.

~Jess

Reviewer: September December
Date: 10/11/10 13:55
Chapter: A Sonnet

Lovely, it's really sweet and short, plus it's Ron and Hermione, my favorite couple. Nice work. :)

Author's Response:

Thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed it,and you have a lovely day!

~Jess

You must login (register) to review.
Information
Find out everything you need to know about the site right here.


We have stories and authors in this archive.

:

RSS
Choose Theme:
SOCIAL MEDIA
     
MOST RECENT
Chocolate Frog by L A Moody 3rd-5th Years
Amid the desolation of Diagon Alley, a tiny ray of hope lay buried. Nothing...
I Suspect Nargles by foolondahill17 3rd-5th Years
“No one’s ever kissed me before…. What is one to do now?” An extensive...
The Life and Times of Linnea Potter by Cantatrix 1st-2nd Years
Linnea Potter has lived under the tyranny of her relatives for the better part...
FEATURED
Glass over the Flame by the opaleye 3rd-5th Years
Harry, Hermione, and the moments in between. He doesn’t say that this...
Tom Riddle and the Chamber of Secrets by CanisMajor 3rd-5th Years
What really happened the last time someone let the Basilisk out? Harry Potter...
Red Squirrel/Sun Rises by hestiajones 1st-2nd Years
+ He wouldn't celebrate his birthday, but his son had other ideas. + This was...
Sybill Trelawney and the Unexpected Gift by Squibstress 3rd-5th Years
Sybill Trelawney learns to live with her Inner Eye, cooking sherry, and Minerva...
Pat-a-Cake by foolondahill17 1st-2nd Years
Molly Weasley II, called Pat, and twenty-one lot and little-known facts. Or...
Wood by ToBeOrNotToBeAGryffindor 6th-7th Years
Marcus Flint, the infamous Super Seventh Captain of the Slytherin Quidditch...
CATEGORIES