Fun, good enough. But the ending was a bit confusing. Maybe it would have been better if it was finished right after the kiss, since it's a Severus/Lily. (But I guess I'm not the one to give advice, I'm a horrible writer.)
Awwwwwwwwwwwwww! I love Sev!!!!!!! Why did he and lily have to split up? Stupid Death eaters!!! Anyways, I really liked this short story. :D it was fun to read and really entertaining. Nice work. Keep it up!
Awww...that was so sweet. But for a moment at the end there I thought their prank was James had used Pollyjuice and it wasn't really Snape at all, but I'm glad I was wrong.
What?! how could you leave it there? it was all so good and then it just got cut off? Please re-open it and write another part PLEASE! I might go insane if you dont!
Author's Response: Aww, I'm sorry! I'm glad you liked it, but I couldn't just transition into an AU romance. :)
You've done a nice job with a difficult subject: Lily and Snape. I refer to it as difficult because it's just so hard to know how much she felt for him romantically based on canon, and because he's such a challenging character to like and imagine being with someone like Lily. I thought you did a good job with her character, particularly with the paragraph where Lily realizes nothing matters except what side you are on. I absolutely agree with this and just cannot see her staying with a man who chose the side that wants her dead. Good insight into her thoughts there. And as much as I hate to admit it, being a non-fan of Snape ;), she probably would have missed their friendship once it was over, given he was her first magical friend.
As for Snape,I have to be honest and admit I found him just a bit too weak and waffling here. He just mumbled too much, and while he might have done so as a teenager, he strikes me as such an articulate, introspective adult that I think his dialogue even as a student here could have been a bit more sharp. I could even see him being angry about what's happened to their friendship.
The hints of James/Lily were nice and added depth to something we know happens. The Marauder banter at the end was also well done.
This was a nice look at Lily in a pensive moment - good luck in the challenge! ~Gina :)
Author's Response: Thank you so much! I'm really glad that you liked my Lily. ;) I'll try to work on Snape, though I don't know if I'll ever be using him at this age again. What you're saying makes a lot of sense--I wish I had thought of these things before submitting...
Obnoxiously reviewing my own story to say that I made the edits my reviewers suggested. ;)
I think this is an interesting idea for a story. I'm rather inclined to agree with you that Lily had feelings for Severus, (as in more than friendship), but her own beliefs became too important for her. Your descriptions of emotion and character were very good, I thought you really portrayed Lily, Sev and the Marauders well. It was nice to see a fic focussing on Lily and not James for once, although I noticed the hints of their future relationship.
As Carole pointed out in her review below, I think you have a timing issue here - JKR never explicitly states that Sev hadn't called Lily a Mudblood before the incident at the lake after the DADA OWL, but given Lily's reaction and the way she ends her friendship with Snape after that event, I don't think it likely. Perhaps you could set this in their sixth year, so they'd both be 17, and it would be nearly a year since they'd stopped being friends, but Lily still had lingering feelings?
The last line of this fic is just brilliant. It was just so poignant and well-written - not overdone, just a simple finishing line. Perfect way for this to end.
Some of Sev's dialogue didn't sound natural to me... like the line "Sorry. I know it's creepy." It just sounds a little too... obviously nervous or something for him. Personally I don't think he ever really let his guard down, even with Lily. I think it would have worked better just to leave it at "I followed you." I suppose that's just my opinion though.
Anyway, I hope you don't find this review too negative or anything... that's totally not the point, I really did enjoy your insight into Lily's mind. (I loved the idea about the prank - or lack thereof - too. Very clever.)
Author's Response: Ahaha, yes. I did debate that line, and honestly I don't have a very good reason as to why I kept it in, except for the fact that "I followed you" did in fact sound massively creepy. Thank you so much for the review!
Hi there, I think this is an interesting story. I like your characterisation of Lily here, and the fact that it's a Lily-centric story that actually doesn't involve too much of James bugging her, or feature the Marauders too much.
You have a timeline error. You say she's fifteen and then, when she's thinking about Snape, she remembers him calling her a Mudblood. You also have them discussing their OWL's. The 'Mudblood' incident was right in the middle of OWL's after the DADA exam.. And at that stage both Lily and Snape were sixteen years old (It's 1976- both were born in January 1960) If he'd called her a Mudblood before the DADA exam, then I really don't think she'd have rushed to his defence when James and Sirius were attacking him.
Timeline aside, I really liked their conversation (her not wanting to ask after his friends) and the description of that kiss was so good (the chapped lips). I loved the confusion writing inside her - poor Lily. I also liked the banter at the end with the Marauders. Her observation that Peter called her Lily was rather good, although (sorry nit-pick again) I would think it more likely that Remus would call her 'Lily' and Peter would be more inclined to ape his friends. That's just my opinion, though, and in no way invalidates yours.
Author's Response: Oh, dear! I tried to find out the timing of that bit, but I didn't have my book with me and I was concerned about deadlines. >.< Well, that's embarrassing. Thank you so much!