Dear Miss Jessica,
I am currently quite displeased with you due to the fact that I just discovered this story now, and you have abandoned it with Louis jumping off a train. Very, very displeased!
In all seriousness, though, I love this, and you should finish it. I love me some crime mysteries, and this one is especially intriguing.
I'm displeased with the situation Louis is in, now, as well. All he wants is to find Lucy and bring her home, and for the life of him, he can't figure out why everyone's given up. Oh, to be seventeen again and think the world is small enough to find one girl amongst billions.
I do plan on finishing this, though. Soraya would murder me if I didn't. Now that I got 100 out of the way, it leaves me free to update old fics and finish a lot of shorter ones off. THis is one I plan to revisit sooner than later. :)
Thank you for reading, and I shall try not to disappoint.
Hey Jess! I wanted to say that I think this a great beginning! I like what you've done with Louis and Lucy so far. The flashbacks are done with taste, it's naive as romance between teeanagers can be and believable. It's nice to see that even if he's young, Louis is willing to do anything to find out what happened to Lucy.
And I like what Fleur told him in the first chapter, about the fact that it's not his responsability to fix the world. It's true that when you're younger, you want to save the world, change it for the better, because you haven't lived much... I thought that line of dialogue what great. Though, I have little corrections to make for these lines of dialogue. When Fleur says “Qu’est-ce que tu penses?”, it should be "À quoi penses-tu?". And for “Je sais que tu sentis coupable de Lucy, mais tu es seulement un fils. Le monde n’est pas tu responsabilité pour fixer.”, it would sound better like this: "Je sais que tu te sens coupable pour Lucy, mais tu es seulement un homme." (though I would need to know exactly which word you used for "fils" in English...) "Ce n'est pas ta responsabilité d'arranger les choses."
Anyway, now I'm really wondering what happenned to Lucy, since they didn't find her after all this time! Good job!
This story was actually inspired by Soraya, and I suppose indirectly inspired her to write cousin pairings of her own, so for that reason, I'm proud of it. Also, I wanted to do something new with the NG kids that I haven't done before, so I made one of them a Squib. I read in a study somewhere that it was more likely that pure-blooded magical people were actually more likely to be Squibs than half-bloods due to heavy intermarriage in earlier days, so it makes it statistically possible and even probable that one of the Weasleys would be a Squib somewhere down the line.
Their youthful innocence, to me, is what makes their story so sad. They just don't *know* that the big bad world has a vendetta against their happiness sometimes. I wish their relationship didn't have such...inauspicious beginnings, but here's hoping that my brain box will produce something happier for them down the line.
As for the French...I blame my teacher, lol. We learned stiff, formal French in school, not an easier dialect. It does tend to seem overly-wordy. I will definitely work on fixing that soon.
Thank you for your visit, and *hugs*.
This is a great start to a story, Jess... I have to admit, initially I was a bit squeamish about Louis and Lucy, but once I got over that, it was a great story.
For a start, I like that you're writing about these two... I don't think I've read a story yet in which Louis is a main character. And you've really made him a great main character.
I also like Lucy - she seems quite enigmatic now (what is her 'condition'?) and I'm intrigued by her fear of being in large crowds, and also exactly how she feels about Louis.
And then on top of all this you've added a mystery to it... I can only guess that it may be to do with Percy (who I agree will eventually become Minister of Magic), but I'm pretty hopeless at guessing mystery stories, so I'll just wait til you reveal it.
The flashback worked really well in this chapter - sometimes I find they slow down the pace, but this one didn't at all and it flowed really naturally.
And in response to your last response to one of my reviews- yes I am back. I hadn't actually read any fanfic for about a month until a few days ago, but I'm a lot less busy now and have finally got back to doing some of my own writing...
Anyway, back to your story, I'm very intrigued and mystified and looking forward to more.
Yay, I'm glad you liked the beginning of the story. There is one more chapter after this one, and a few more to come before the story wraps up. I think that a lot of what bonds Lucy and Louis is indeed her 'condition', which you'll find out about in the next chapter. Louis feels not only a sense of responsibility to make sure she's okay, but it also causes him to focus on her more intently than he normally would've done. And when coupled with a young boy's normal changes in the early to late teen years, it's not hard to see him falling for the person he feels responsibility to protect.
The flashback is meant to show the shift in their relationship from cousins to something more. They're almost like memories in a way, misty and idyllic.
Anyway, thank you for reading and reviewing. I hope you enjoy subsequent chapters. :) I'm glad you're back, because you are such a brilliant reviewer and should be told that loads of times for the sake of justice.
This is the best story I’ve ever read!!!!!
You are truly brilliant and I want to have your babies – siriusly – you’re amazing!
I hope you write a lot more stuff like this – makes me LOL and cry all at the same time – fab faB FAB.
PS: I will read this properly and review later.
Why, thank you, Croll Teh BAMF Barmaid. I shall thank you even further when you actually READ the chapter, hehe.
Yes, it was very very dangerous, Jess!
I'm glad you finally updated -- I really wanted to know what would happen in this story. And you really captured the aalmost cop-show feel with it, the whole mystery aspect, which balanced oout the romance subplot too.
Above all, though, you dealt with what I know is a very sensitive issue effortlessly, and for that I'm glad because Louis's love for Lucy (and she's a squib!) seems so genuine.
My only sort-of criticism is that you made a big time-jump between the party and when Louis had to go to Hogwarts. Well, I don't remember when you set the party and how soon after Louis left for Hogwarts, but it seemed a bit abrupt. But then, I guess you had to keep the plot moving and stuff so it does make sense.
Excellent chapter, Jess, and I can't wait for the next!
Honestly, if the pace didn't move so quickly, the story would never get finished due to length. While I did skip over a year's time, I did so because nothing actually happened. They looked and didn't find. A year of Louis angsting would've been a bit tiresome to both write and read, so I shifted to the next timeframe where new developments were made, and that was Bill telling Louis that the search would be discontinued.
Jumping from trains and running off from school . . . what will our intrepid boy do next?
Jess, I really like this. I've not had a chance to get started on all these mysteries yet, but when this popped up today, I couldn't resist. I like the potential of the pairing (though when I think too much about it, it does squick me out a bit--lol), and I like what you've done with Louis already. His guilt, I predict, will be significant, since it happened in those few moments that he stepped away. :( I really like Percy as the MoM and I find it a totally believable scenario. I'm seeing some political ties, as she is now the Minister's daughter... someone trying to control Percy? Hmmm. I can't wait to see where you take this. Really good start.
Yay! I think the read count on this story is still in the 40s or 50s, so hurray that it's catching someone's eye.
I see what you mean by the potential for squick with the pairing, but when you think about it, half of Louis's gene pool is in no way crossing with the rest of his family's, and I just sort of picture Audrey as from Muggle-born stock. If that helps any, lol.
I'm halfway through the next chapter already, so an update should be fairly soon. Soraya found the idea of Percy being MoM to be weird, but he really is a politician through and through, so he was the next logical choice to me.
Heart for the read/review. Have a lovely evening!
Oooh. This is interesting, Jess. I haven't caught up with all the Mystery fics yet, but I just had to look at this one. I really like your portrayal of cousin!love and of all people, Percy as Minister??
Anyway, what's Lucy's condition? Either I've missed it or you'll refuse to tell me, LOL, because it will be revealed later. Looking forward to the next chapter!!
Well, in all fairness, Percy is the consummate politician, and Harry wouldn't be caught dead running for MoM. If Percy can take, of all things, faulty cauldron bottoms seriously, he has it in him for the minutia of running a country.
Lucy's condition will be revealed in the next chapter, as well as where she's gone. Also, more details of hers and Louis's feelings will be explored, among other things.
Thanks for reading. I somehow thought I'd be getting a visit from you, hehe. :)
Nooooooo! Where is she?
Jess, great start. I love the fact that this isn't just about a mystery but has a whole other subplot going on. Infact subplot isn't really the right word because it implies it's less important.
As usual, I love your take on the Weasleys. And I am interested in cousin fics having wanted to write one a while ago that didn't get past the closure of the OC class *sigh*. Anyway, I can't wait to read more. ~Carole~
I knew when I started this that I wanted parallel plots. First, Lucy is obviously missing, and it hits Louis hard. Then he would inevitably have to deal with the conflict between his feelings for Lucy and his familial concern with her safety as well. I just like that sort of internal character struggle, and then a different spin on the next-gen Weasleys is always fun, hehe.
*squish* I shall run off now and write some more. :D