Reviews For A Part of Me
Reviewer: Nagini Riddle
Date: 10/02/12 20:11
Chapter: A Part of Me

“After all this time?”
Does he not understand?
My love has no end.
She’s always on my heart.


OOOH! Very nice incorporation of the quote! I really like how you chose to come at it from Severus' perspective. The only thing that confused me: "on my heart." What does that mean? "On?" I think it would have worked better as "within" or just "in." Unless you meant that the weight of guilt and love was weighing on his heart. Then if that's the case, I think you should try to make that a bit more obvious.

Does he not understand “
What I would do for her?
For she’s always on my heart;
Her memory haunts me.


Haunts! The simplicity you used is very nice, and it allows words like "haunts" to really stand out. The punctuation, though, makes me hesitate on the first line. I don't think a dash is needed. It doesn't do much for the poem and doesn't really emphasize anything. It really just hinders the rhythm.

What wouldn’t I do for her?
I’ll fight for her always.
Her memory haunts me:
She’s a part of me.


The second line felt a little weak, and I think it's how you worded it. If instead it said, "I'll always fight for my one love," it would have been a bit stronger. However, I did like how you changed up the first line from the previous stanza: "What wouldn't I do?" It really helped to strengthen his character. :)

I’ll fight for her always,
For my love has no end.
She’s a part of me,
After all this time.


I love the ending, especially that it worked out so well for a pantoum!!!! The last two lines are perfect next to each other. The only thing I would fix is to add the word "even" in front of the last line, and then perhaps italicize "all" to really emphasize the depth of Snape's love.

Overall, I really enjoyed your poem!!!! It is a very nice tribute to Severus' love for Lily. Keep it up!

~Nagini Riddle

Author's Response: Ohhhh, thank you for this lovely, lovely, review. Regarding 'on my heart': You make an excellent point. I think it started off as "on my mind", and I didn't like it, but I kept the preposition. This is something I should probably change! I think that your punctuation observation is good, too. I think it was recommended I put one there, but reading back, it doesn't really work all that well. I'm really glad you liked the poem! The subtle word choices are definately things I should fix. Thanks! ~Maple

Reviewer: MissMeg
Date: 01/31/12 19:21
Chapter: A Part of Me

I liked how you integrated the quote from “The Deathly Hallows”. A lot of the time, when people integrate quotations into a story or poem, the quotation sticks out, breaks the flow, and/or feels very forced. Beginning with the quotation, “After all this time?” instantly told me who the poem was about, and It also set a sad and romantic tone that continued through the entire piece. I was also impressed at how well the quotation fit with the rest of the poem. The syllable number fit with the number of syllables in other lines, and the tone of the quotation was very similar to the tone of the rest of the poem. When I read through the poem, I probably wouldn’t have picked out the quotation if it wasn’t marked.

You began the poem with Dumbledore asking a question, and through the rest of the poem, Snape answered it and defended his love for Lily. I thought this led into the poem very well. It gave a context for Snape’s reflection, and I liked it better than I think I would have if Snape had simply reflected on his love for Lily because I generally am not much of a fan of somewhat random reflection, or somewhat out-of-the-blue reflection.

You also closed with the line “After all this time.” I originally did not really notice because, as I said before, the tone and syllable structure of the line fit in with the rest of the poem so well. But, upon a later reading and highlighting of the poem (something I generally do when reviewing, especially with a poem that repeats lines), I noticed that you closed with the quotation too. I thought this worked wonderfully. As I’ve already said, I thought this poem read like Snape’s defense of his love for Lily to Dumbledore, and ending with the question summed up the argument succinctly. I initially was confused as to why you didn’t put the line in quotation marks. I read the poem after the first line as Snape speaking, and I think putting Dumbledore’s words in quotation marks (besides citing that the words come from the book) also clearly distinguishes Dumbledore’s speech from Snape’s.

I don’t generally like rhetorical questions in writing, especially prose; often I feel that they’re a rather conspicuous and somewhat passive way to make a statement, which I think often would be stronger if it was just stated. The distinction that Dumbledore was asking, “After all this time?” made the question more subtle, in my opinion. You did use another question, in the second line, but I thought it expressed Snape’s confusion as to why Dumbledore didn’t understand his love of Lily. You again used a question in the fifth and sixth lines of the poem, but I thought the use of repetition strengthened the confusion Snape felt about Dumbledore not understanding his feelings, which in a way strengthened the way Snape’s love for Lily was portrayed. I think he thinks his feelings are so natural that he can’t understand why Dumbledore wouldn’t understand them. Ending with a question probably would probably have irked me a bit (I think questions exist to be answered, and you answer the question “After all this time?” so well, it really isn’t needed as a question later.), so I liked how you made a change to the punctuation at the end of the final line.

When I first read the poem, I noted that the poem was heavily structured. All the lines in the poem had five, six, or seven syllables, which gave the piece a clear rhythm when read. I noticed some repetition, but not until I began highlighting repeated lines did I really notice the extent to which you used repetition of lines. Very obvious repetition is something that often breaks the flow of a poem, but I barely noticed yours. Rather than being blatant, I liked how the repetition was subtle, something I thought tied all of the stanzas together.

What I thought kept the repetition latent was the way a number of the lines repeated were changed very slightly, and each line was only repeated twice. Twice you repeat a line later in the poem, but you begin the repeated line with the word “for”. Besides varying the wording slightly, this also used the statement as a reason, which slightly changed its location in a later sentence. For example, the line “My love has no end.” is used as a complete sentence in the third line, but later in the thirteenth and fourteenth line, you use it in the phrase “I’ll fight for her always, / For my love has no end.” When you repeat the phrase “For my love has no end”, you use it as a part of a more complete thought. This keeps the repetition from sounding redundant. You also repeat the question “Does he not understand-- / What would I do for her?” (5-6) later, but you rephrase it as “What wouldn’t I do for her?” (9). Like in the previous example of repletion, you use the location of the phrase within a sentence to altar the emphasis of the line and you also use it in this case to slightly alter the wording without changing the meaning. I liked how you repeated the question “What would I do for her?” (6) except you negated it to “What wouldn’t I do for her?” (9). This made the repetition of that line sound fresh to me.

I thought you did a brilliant job portraying Snape’s love for -Lily and striking a balance between the romance, the creepiness, and the obsession of Snape’s feelings. To sum up, I thought you used the structure of this poem wonderfully to portray Snape’s feelings for Lily.

-Meg

Author's Response: Hello Meg, Thank you so much for reviewing this! This is actually one of my favourite poems that I've written, so I'm really happy someone reviewed it. I'm actually quite happy that you didn't find the repetition overly obvious and annoying, as I think that was one of the hardest things. I didn't even notice the syllable thing :O Maple

You must login (register) to review.
Information
Find out everything you need to know about the site right here.


We have stories and authors in this archive.

:

RSS
Choose Theme:
SOCIAL MEDIA
     
MOST RECENT
The Weird Sisters - B-Sides and Rarities, Vol. 2 by ToBeOrNotToBeAGryffindor 1st-2nd Years
The Weird Sisters are back for an encore. Ten more tracks from your MNFF authors.
Severus's Prince by DestinyMoonStar Professors
What does Severus Snape do when a one night stand turns into a baby boy? ...
Other Lives and Dimensions and Finally a Love Story by MoRoCcAnAnDpRoUd Professors
The year is 1977, and the Wizarding World is in turmoil, but it doesn't really...
FEATURED
Oread, Walking by Seren
Cedric was just as odd as Hermione, because he liked to walk. Cedric/Hermione
The Effect of Gamma Rays on Two Terrifically Trapped Gryffindors. by Fenixaze 3rd-5th Years
From the "Stuck where for the weekend?" Challenge on Portkey.org ... Our two...
Drunk on Him by armagod679 Professors
For me, he was an obsession, a burning obsession, one that I could never let...
A Broken Hallelujah by epiphany212 Professors
You have always loved the chase. The pursuit of Quaffles and dragons have carried...
In the Hufflepuff Way by 1000timesingoldenink 3rd-5th Years
Did anybody really appreciate Hannah's mum?Because Mrs. Abbott was a heroine...
And Now... by Oregonian 3rd-5th Years
Moments after the death of Voldemort, Harry gazes at the corpse of the Dark...
The Weird Sisters - B-Sides and Rarities, Vol. 1 by minnabird 1st-2nd Years
Welcome back to another rousing round of rambunctious rock!However, a new act...
CATEGORIES