Hello, pufflefluff!!!! :)
I just love how you are able to put emotion into everything. This was no exception. I loved what you chose for Regulus! And what a great way for Regulus to want to come back.
One note I have- I don't know if you were allowed to mess around with structure, but I think that the last two lines would have more of an impact and also make more sense if they were separate from the last stanza. Otherwise, I have to make a conscientious effort to change point of views suddenly in the same stanza, and it becomes slightly confusing. I had to read it three times before I realized that Sirius was talking to his brother. But if it was seperate from the last stanza, the change of pov would be more effective. :)
That's my only criticism. I wanted so badly to start rapping this as I read it! We definitely need to find a way so we can listen to our music fictions like this! That would be so cool to hear the lyrics we wrote to the song, and maybe make them even more dramatic...
Off to read more of your stuff...
~Nagini Riddle, a slytherin' Gryffindor
Author's Response: Thank you very muchfor the review. With regard to separating the last two lines, it's actually the last two stanzas that are from Sirius' POV which I delineated by adding an extra space between the last hook and then the start from his POV. The part about Marlene being safe, and 'Hey, brother, I just got your letter', is all from Sirius' pOV - much like the last two verses in Stan are from Eminem's POV.
Thank you again, ~Carole~
Carole, you are incredible (but we already knew that). That was so sad. I don’t know what I can say about this poem. I’ll try my best to be comprehensible. *disconnects heart temporarily so she can write first part of review without emotion*
I’ve never actually heard the rap, but the structure was good: the chorus and the structure of each verse. The voices are clear: Regulus’ desperation and regret, Sirius at the end, just wanting to see his brother and making up for the past. The actual rapper rhyme scheme was pretty cool, and the whole poem reads easily (except that it’s very emotional).
*reconnects heart for emotional part of review and hopes to stay coherent*
The chorus is so beautiful. I have no idea whose voice it’s in, but it doesn’t even matter. It’s so sad, and it fits so well with Regulus’ story, and how he never comes back.
But the words! I mean, it was sad enough when you put “Hey, brother, I thought things between us could get better. / But you ignoring me, Sirius, makes me shiver.” I felt for Regulus so much. It must hurt a lot to have your sibling ignore you like that, and just when he was hoping too. You worded it so well. And then you did a JKR: you made Regulus say “I’ll pledge my soul to you forever.” Not only is it such a romantic gesture, and also one of total heart, I believe, but you made him say he’d do something. Whenever JKR wants to kill off a character, they always reference smoething they’ll do in the future. Fred did, Moody did. Now you’ve done it to Regulus. Are you sure you’re not JKR?
Sorry about that. Ummm… Sirius. You capture his voice as well as you do Regulus’. Which is very well. And the last line just left me speechless. “Let’s defy our fate.” It’s just so…Sirius. And they do. They both go against a cause which their family feeds. It’s such a powerful line, maybe the most powerful in the entire poem.
Oh wonderful author and barmaid, your talent and my awe seem to know no bounds. This poem is poignant and well characterised and just…how do you do it? I am so insanely jealous of your writing skills… *ends review still sniffing from poem*
Author's Response: What a lovely review - thank you! Well, this did cause me a bit of stress becasue i don;t like rap much, but I remembered this song (Stan by Eminem) had a wonderful chorus which was from a Dido song. So I decided to Potterfy that. The voice of the chorus is Marlene, then the main part is Regulus and Sirius at the end who's found the letters and is trying to find him.
,br> I never saw the connection with Fred and Moody and them promising to do things that they'll never carry out, but I can see it now. I do think one of Sirius' tragedies (amongst many) is that he never knew the extent of Regulus's bravery and sacrifice. *sigh*
Your review has got me thinking about them again ... hmmmmmm.
Thank you very much again. ~Carole~
we should tell eminem to remake stan with your new words! lol
i really enjoyed this!
ps: why doesn't sirius meet his brother in the end?
Author's Response: Sirius is standing outside Grimmauld Place waiting for Regulus, but it's too late. Regulus has gone to the cave with Kreacher because he thinks Sirius isn;t going to reply *sigh*. The last two verses are Sirius speaking. Thanks for the review. If I see Eminem, I'll tell him - ha ha. ~Carole~
Incredible - it blew me away! You are so talented.
Author's Response: Wow! Thank you very much. I really wasn't sure about the challenge but this song packs a punch so I thought it was worth a shot. Thanks again, you've made my day. ~Carole~