What a very interesting story, I quite enjoyed it. I love how you took such a brief moment from the books mentioned by a character that invokes pity from the reader, and turned it against the character, making us pity Olive instead.
I enjoy how the two different sections of the fic contras each other. In the first section, we pity Myrtle and, even though the protagonist of the story is Olive, we despise Olive. But in the second section, the roles are flipped, and we pity Olive again. This is very effective in showing all sides of Olive, which I think makes her a deeper, more three-dimensional character.
The description of Olive was very interesting. She was pretty, but her looks are forgettable. From this, the reader can gather that Olive is attractive because of her confidence and assertive personality. This creates a strong character that immediately gains likeness from the readers. Yet, as soon as names are mentioned, the like that the character has gained is lost. I think this creates a very interesting development in the characterisation of Olive that finishes at the end, when the reader pities her. We go from admiration, to dislike, to pity. Doing this is only 1000 words is definitely an amazing feat!
I also thought that your characterisation of Tom, who was really not a part of the story at all, was very clever. It was a very realistic characterisation from what we are given in canon. Characterisation is definitely the strongest part of this story -- even the minor characters are excellently characterised.
There are a few canon errors in this story. Firstly, I don’t think that eyes can be fixed by magic. If they could be, why would Dumbledore, McGonagall, Arthur, Percy, and Harry all wear glasses? I think that eyes are like scars -- they can’t be fixed by magic. Secondly, the Beast, Being, and Spirit Division is not one division, but three separate ones, according to Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them.
Overall, I thought that the plot advanced in a very natural and believable way. Nothing felt jumpy or forced. Each section flowed into the next naturally. I also thought that Olive’s reaction was very believable. I think that her seeing Myrtle dead on the floor after she had bullied her into that bathroom would result in the reaction that it did. I think she would definitely feel the guilt that she did, so much so that it would cause her assertive personality and self confidence to diminish.
In conclusion, your characterisation is very strong, as is your plot development. In this short story, you have managed to pull off amazing characterisation, character development, and plot development. With just a few canon checks and changes, you could take this great story into an amazing one.
Best of luck in your writing!
Author's Response: Thank you for your review. I'll check the part about the glasses. And thanks for the comment on the Beast, Being, and Spirit. I lost my copy of FBawtFT, so I definitely missed that.
Most people wouldn't think of making a story about Moaning Myrtle, and especially not Olive Hornby. But I love the way you wrote it. Guess the queen kinda got what she deserved, didn't she? Nice job!
Author's Response: Thank you.
This was a really interesting story, and a different take on Olive. Somehow I'd always imagined her to be hardly any better liked than Myrtle, and therefore tease Myrtle horribly because she wanted to feel better than someone. But your take is very interesting.
Firstly, I loved the idea of the Queen, and the way you spoke of the other girls as "subjects". I think that particularly worked, because it showed not only that Olive was admired, but that she controlled those around her.
I also liked the idea that Olive finding the body and presumably feeling some sort of guilt - as opposed to Myrtle haunting her - was what really caused the change in Olive. I think you showed two sides of haunting - the way Myrtle physically haunts Olive, and the way Olive's memories haunt her, and you showed that the latter was more powerful and more painful. She could still hear Myrtle everywhere, mocking her, taunting. Even without a ghost, how could she forget the body on the bathroom floor? - I really just loved that part, it was so well-written.
I think it's interesting how both of these girls/women ended up ruined for life - because even though at the end, Myrtle has power over Olive and takes a mean sort of pleasure from it, her "life" is mostly very unhappy, and Olive is also unhappy.
Just a small tense problem - you've written She's had enough - which is in present tense, while the rest is in past. It should be "She'd had enough."
Anyway, I loved the story, as all your stories are, it was very well-written and different.
Author's Response: Thank you!