Okay, I have to review these again!!!!!! They are just so beautifully written and I am in awe!
We roamed the night, a foursome strong and free.
The forest bound our friendship fast and true,
And yet our bond was one we’d come to rue:
For you betrayed our love and loyalty.
First off, the rhyme scheme is so well done! The rhyme isn't forced and it allows the true regret and betrayal come through. :) I love how it has a dark sense to it because you mentioned how they became friends in a dark forest. And my heart breaks at the bitter tone in the last two lines- we have come to regret our friendship with you because you are a traitor! It makes me shiver, and I hope to never be a traitor! My only nitpick is that the rhythm of the poem isn't quite iambic and seems slightly off... But I don't know how to help with that, since I am not an expert on meter or rhythm! Still, the stanza works, and it broke my heart!
You turned-abandoned light to serve the dark;
The shadow in your soul now somehow bought.
Whether feared or forced it matters not:
For you betrayed us when you took the Mark.
Very nice imagery! I can see the darkness an shadows forcing themselves onto Peter. And I actually liked that you said "Mark" instead of dark mark, because it lends to ambiguity. He was marked in more ways than one, and each mark was a betrayal and drive him farther from "the good side."
We trusted you, above all else we gave
Our faith-our very lives-into your hand!
And yet you broke our hope, our desperate plan:
For you betrayed them to their final grave.
First off, I love how you allude to the Secret-Keeer job. Their lives were in Peter's hands, literally! I also enjoyed that you didn't say death, but implied that they lost their lives by going to their final grave, which has a spooky effect on me and scares me, especially with Halloween so close now.... :)
Run, you spineless coward, traitor, spy:
For I will never rest until you die.
The shift into directness and this bitter hateful tone scared me. It whacked me in my heart, no joke. Th threat is so strong and terrorizing, but at the same time, you wrote the rest of the poem so well that I can feel the justification in wanting to kill Peter. Great job on your poem! It doesn't matter if it wasn't iambic or anything- in fact, it's entirely possible it is iambic and I just didn't pick up on it. I said I am horrible at meter!
I gave myself unto a master dark,
Who took my life, my hand, my every friend.
He left me naught but silver in the end,
And bleak regret that I did take the Mark.
I really liked how this tied so well into the other poem. You have repeating motifs that are depressing yet gorgeous at the same time.
And great allusion to the silver hand!!!! He really did leave him silver, didn't he? The hand child him in the end....
I know I sold their lives to save my own!
I mourn it still to this, my dying day.
The end is near and now I cannot say:
That I regret the pain you’ve always known.
I wonder if Peter really did feel any regret for his actions. But I love how depressing this stanza was. It leaves me sad that they lived for so with the feeling of regret and revenge. It just really pricks my heart.
For I was wrong, my choice a craven deed
That no repentance ever can undo.
False friend, dishonest rat-I know it’s true.
I do regret the life you've had to lead.
Great word choice!!! "Craven" has become my favorite word of the entire piece. And, the fact that his regrets are directed towards his friends and not at himself tells me that maybe he feels he deserves what happened to him. How depressing!
I am a spineless coward, traitor, spy:
But now, at last, in darkness I can die.
What a great way to tie this into the other sonnet! It must take a lot of guts to admit to being a coward, and it is really sad that he left himself to die in the darkness!
These poems were fantastic!!!! I have thoroughly enjoyed then the second time around. I seem to be reading a lot of depressing poetry... ;)
Keep it up!!!!!! I want to read more poems from you! :)
Author's Response: A very belated thank you for such an amazing review!! I am not sure what I did to deserve such a heap of loveliness, but I really appreciate it. I wrote these poems about a year ago now and always hoped they'd get a bit more of a response. Now my wish is fulfilled! I do believe this is iambic, as that is the standard meter for a sonnet. I'm glad they worked so well together. Yes, I do think Peter felt regret. Sometimes I find it so hard to believe that James, Sirius, and Remus could be friends with someone like him without there being something worth being friends with, you know? Something pushed him to do what he did, and I do think it was hard for him. As for writing more poems...I used to write more for archive challenges, now it's mostly when the inspiration hits. It does take me some work, lol. I'm still so glad you came by to read these two poems and leave such a gorgeous review. Sorry for the belated gratitude and rambly reply. Thank youuuuuu! ~Gina :)
Wow! What a great way to write about how the Mauraders felt about betrayal! Wonderfully done! And happy birthday! Equinox Chick said to say that and review your stuff! :) So I am. *sings happy birthday with her somewhat good voice* *laughs*
Author's Response: A very belated thank you for both the review and the birthday wishes! I'm so glad you read this poem, as I felt it was a strong poem that no one read, lol. I'm glad you enjoyed it. Thanks again! ~Gina :)
Gah, I already told you how much I love this, but I will do so again because I must. The motifs and characterisation are fabulous, despite having so few words to portray them. The rhymes are well done and read so easily. And the idea of reading about the same thing from different sides of the fence is fascination in term of character exploration, but they still match up so well in terms of language and style parallels.
So well done. I heart youuuuuuuuu!
Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review, twin. And thank you for encouraging me to write this and then looking it over. Hopefully the tweaks worked, although there are things in that second one I still want to change, lol. We do love our sonnets, don't we? I just came across a sonnet I wrote about Lord of the Rings, even! Who knows, maybe I'll write more, it's a fabulous form and I can see why Shakespeare used it so much. ;) Thanks again for everything! *hugs* ~Gina :)
Explain to me again why you aren't in PA. These are stunning. The fact that you've encapsualted both Sirius and Peter in so few words and in such brilliant lines speaks volumes about your poetic ability.
You turned-abandoned light to serve the dark; The shadow in your soul now somehow bought
I love this imagery here of the 'turned-abandoned light'. It really shows the deep deep sense of betrayal and confusion that Sirius must have felt regarding Peter.
Peter's sonnet is so well done. The regret at the enormity of his betrayal shines through every word.
Great sonnets. You make them look effortless.
Author's Response: Thank you, Carole. I'm not in PA because I can't just whip out a poem on command! I think I wrote one poem last year and this could be my one poem for this year, who knows. But I'm glad you enjoyed it so much. It continues my belief that there really was more to this betrayal than meets the eye, because how could they have been such good friends with such a person, and missed it? I'm not sure if that makes it even more tragic or slightly unbelievable, but for the most part I do think Peter was a decent bloke at one point and had desperate reasons for what he did - and regret. Thanks so much for reading this, and for the lovely compliments! ~Gina :)