Interesting piece, no doubt. The first thing that surprises here ā“ and I have never seen a shot at this in fan fiction ā“ is a shot at the Sorting Hatās song. Itās a good poem, too. This line, āWhose loyalty canāt be deniedā, is a powerful one and reminiscent of Rowlingās simple description in the first book. Itās been a while since Iāve read anything Harry Potter related outside of, you know, a book, and Iām not good with dates, but the reaction from the Black sisters rather surprised me. I forget that all this runs together sometimes, even though they were separate stories, separate lives, could have intertwined. Itās interesting, though, in Phoenix, when Sirius says he had spotted Bellatrix maybe once before he spotted her in prison.
The snapshot thing is nice. There are grammar errors here and there, but Iām sure that you can clean those up with a nice once over. (Of course, doubt feel bad ā“ Iām catching my own typos drafting this review!:)) They are quick snapshots, make no mistake, especially as you go on. It rather surprises me that the Sorting Hat plays soothsayer here, spelling out a direct line of what we readers know them to be in future. Thatās a step farther than reading a character and pointing out strengths and weaknesses. I forgot how the Sorting Hat reacted with Harry, but I donāt know. It was different. Itās hard to say.
And then you jump rope with memories. Itās an unexpected move, to be sure, since you focused so much on that first day. Hiding the map? No, excuse me, intentionally getting caught with the map is a clever move. Indeed. That definitely sounds up the boysā alley. Well played. Well done on your first piece.
Author's Response: Hi Jenn =) Thank you for a lovely and well thought out review! I'm awful at grammar, so I'm not surprised there were some errors (yet I'm fine when it comes to being a Beat, I'm weird like that =P), once again thank you =) ~Abi~
Hi Abi! "The way she had looked at him when he told her to join the Dark Lord had been one of utter loathing. That had hurt him in a way no words ever could. Lily loved Potter, and she was happy when she was with him. All he had ever wanted was for Lily to be happy, but that didn't stop him for hating the object of her affection with every fibre of his being."
I think that may have been one of my favorite lines, it seemed just so right for Snape. He's a very contradicting character, in a way. He loves Lily like no one else, yet believes she would be impressed by him being in the Dark Arts, and in wanting her to be happy, he doesn't want it if James has anything to do with it. You really captured that in that paragraph.
I think you did a good job characterizing Lily in that second to last part. The way she thinks of the end of her friendship with Snape and the way she handles the situation when he bothers them seems very true to her character.
Good for you for writing a Sorting Hat song! The pace was a little bit off at points, but still, pretty good :)
And it's a great idea to start the story out with their first day of Hogwarts and ending with their last, very bittersweet.
Author's Response: Thank you Annie =) I found it really difficult writing the Sorting Hat, both the song and their actual sortings. Thank you for the lovely review, ~Abi~
Hey, Abi! I am here to see your final for the amazing MWPP class. (assuming you do not know this already)
I really liked this one-shot. I think it gives a different insight into the Marauders, especially Peter and his sorting. I honestly would have never have thought to have his dad be a Slytherin.
I also really loved how you portrayed Snape and his bitterness, especially in the last bit. My favorite quote would have to be from him. This one:
It should have been me. I was always there for her, I've always loved her. It should have been me.
I felt that it was perfect. It shows his feelings for her, yet it acknowledges that it isn't possible. But the thing that strikes me the most is the raw emotion in that quote. I found it simply . . . magical.
I also really enjoyed your progression of Lily's character, if that makes sense. I think you portrayed the journey from starry-eyed eleven-year-old to a strong, brilliant witch very well.
I did notice that the Sorting Hat was slightly choppy, when addressing the Marauders, Snape, and Lily. I find the hat extremely difficult to write, but I believe he's too. . . rushed, I believe the word is. Other than that, though, I really enjoyed the piece.
I really love the ending of the piece. I thought Lily's silent prayer to Severus was unique, and I really liked the twist. Even after they parted ways, she knew she could still trust him with something as important as her only son. The ending was perfect, Abi!
The class was amazing and I hope you had as much fun as I had.
Author's Response: Thank you for such a lovely review =) I hated writing the sorting, I couldn't get the hat right so yes I think you are correct in saying they were a bit rushed! I don't know why I always thought of Peters dad as a Slytherin, it's just something I've always had in my head. I had so much fun in class, our take overs were amazing and the discussions we had as a whole class were brilliant, we will definitely have to take another class together at some point =) ~Abi~