Hi, Jesse. This is Vicki of Slytherin House, commenting on your work in progress, Never The Same. For a first-posted story on MNFF, this is a good piece of work. You have interesting characters, some canon and some new, and what promises to be a plot full of action.
Many stories start off with a train ride, and that can be pretty ho-hum, but you had the good idea to get the action going right away by placing a fist fight only a few paragraphs into the story, right in the middle of the train. Not only does it promote the plot a little, by establishing that Ian Zabini has an issue with Muggle-borns, but it prevents us readers from abandoning the story after reading just the first chapter.
You dialogue is also good; it flows well and sounds very natural. I loved the line “Hope we get some good ones this year. Remember last year’s batch of kids? They followed Albus around like he was some god.” Obviously that’s not an integral point in the plot, but it is gently humorous, relieves the tension of the Sorting ceremony, and introduces a realistic idea that no one seems to have written before, namely, that the older students would have some stake in getting a good crop of new house members each September.
The story seems to drag a little in the last few chapters. The attack on Rose and the revelation about the Death Eaters are the high points, but in between it was a bit draggy and emotional. There is an air of tension, people are being taken away, but no one knows what’s going on or what to do. The author can keep that up for only so long. I expect that in your outline for the next few chapters, the structure of the plot was going to become clearer.
Weaving a romance into a danger/mystery story is always a little chancy. It is important not to obscure the main point of the story, which is the danger/mystery, by refocusing the story onto the romance for more than little bit or for oftener than occasionally. (Hope that sentence wasn’t too convoluted.) But of course you have plenty of space in upcoming chapters to develop the action and keep the focus well-aimed.
The technique of showing each person’s viewpoint in successive chapters can work, but it works best if the author is careful to show only that person’s viewpoint in his/her chapter and not let other viewpoints creep in. And I would guess that the more different people you deal with in this way (so far you are using four people), the more challenging it gets. But I commend you for trying to do it.
Your general writing style is good; you have avoided the pitfalls of short, choppy sentences or strange word choices. Your actors are in character and behave reasonably, without sounding like stereotypes. It’s been a couple of years since you started this story, but I hope you still remember where you were going to go with it, and will come back to finish it someday. Good Luck!
I love the story so far. please keep writing.
Luna and Neville are my two favorite characters if anything happens to them I'll be quite mad... Warning. Also Vincent Crabbe. You mentioned him and his son. But if you I remember correctly he died in the room of requirement during the battle of Hogwarts due to him using Fiend Fyre. Other than that I'm so lovin' this fanfic so far :)
Omigoodness this is an awesome fanfic so far!!!
No wonder he's dead no body was trying to heal him when the kids were going to the dormitories
I love this so much, I can't wait to find out what on earth is going on! I'm completely clueless! I think I may have already reviewed this, but I just wanted to say that I really love your characterisation, and for me the relationship between Rose and Scorpius is the driving force in this, new chapter soon please!!
Author's Response: hi! yes, you have reviewed already, but I really appreciate multiple feedbacks from readers so I know that I'm keeping up ;) I don't know right now how many of my chapters are on here - I submitted chapter 7 but I don't know if it's been accepted, I haven't checked. But I will tell you that the story is very far along right now in my computer, I've reached chapter nine I think it was? And it gets kind of freaking insane. Not gonna lie. Zabini comes in, but there's also a loooot of tension between scorpius and rose. =3 and maybe not the best kind? But no more spoilers <3 Thanks again!
Wow, this is awesome!! Please write more, you can't just leave me hanging!!! ;) Love the characters, by the way. I like how you made Neville head of Gryffindor house. Maybe you could throw in something to make Scorpius and Rose's relationship more interesting? No sex scenes, please! :P I really like them as a couple, but maybe they could break up for a couple chapters or something? You're amazing! Keep writing! :)
Author's Response: Oh, man, thank you so much. :D I have been writing as much as I can, I just get busy sometimes, haha. :D And with Scorpius and Rose... whooooooo boy, it's gonna get interesting I can promise you that. I've got a lot planned for the like, later chapters. I have no idea how long this thing is gonna get. Thanks for your review!!! <3
Wow this is great, I love the romance between Scorpius and Rose
Author's Response: thanks so much! haha I love it too! <3
Okay, Scorpius is now my favorite. He seems the most real of all of the characters, and reminds me a little bit of a few of my friends! ^_^
Author's Response: yeah? i love writing him, because I feel like he's got a lot of family issues with a dad like Draco, and I feel like he'd be kind of sultry a lot of the time. Thanks for reviewing!! <3
This is really good, and I already like Albus, Scorpius, and James--they seem the most real so far. I would, however, like to point out that if Lily is in third year then Albus should be a fifth year instead of a fourth year as he is two years older than her. Otherwise, great job!
Author's Response: see, i wasn't sure about that. I tried looking around for the age differences but couldn' find it, so I just went with what I have. :O But yeah. Thanks! :)
Wow this is really gr8 ! I'm writing a rose+scorpius fic but this is amazing
Author's Response: Thank you! :)
I love the mystery so far, and the romantic tension between Rose and Scorpius is really well handled, with a beautiful simplicity. I hope a new chapter will be up soon, I'm very intrigued!
Author's Response: Hey there! I actually just submitted a new chapter; it's not a whole lot, but the next is currently in the works. I'm really glad you like it! :)
heey i loved the story:) you did a great job with the characters, but i think you should think your words over a tad bit more because the occasional sentance can be a little hard to understand. Overall, i think it's a great read and i look forward to the next chapters! P.S. sorry i could not write a longer reveiw but i have been doing this all day:/ Keep it up!! :)
Author's Response: Hi! Thanks for the response! (first one, no one likes meee). And after reading over the chapters, I have now come to agree with you and will strive to make suure it doesn't happen in any later chapters! Thanks so much again, and I don't mind the length :) Next chapter's been suubmitted, so I hope it's accepted soon! <3