Short and sweet! Very nice!
I have to say, I love the lack of capitalisation and punctuation. It gives such a sense of numbness, I think: it really gets across that feeling of shock but seeing that it’s still Bill, and they can still have a life together despite this. The shock/numb feeling is added to by the lack of conjunctions -- there isn’t any obvious flow from line to line (encouraged by the minimal punctuation), and that has the effect of making the poem slightly fragmented, and I just felt as if we were getting a glimpse into Fleur’s thoughts. Because, you know, thoughts aren’t structured into precise sentences, and I like this quality about your poem.
Usually, I’m a big fan of second person, but I didn‘t feel it was as effective here. Maybe if it was a longer poem it would’ve been more effective as you’d have the time to build the characters. In this case, though, I just found the point of view too detached, and I think it’s because it’s such a small fragment of their relationship condensed into such a small chunk that there isn’t enough time to make the reader empathise properly. Personally, I think third person would’ve worked better since as this is only a snippet distance isn’t a problem, and I think you could’ve focused more on Fleur like that as we’d see her from an outside point of view.
Although I found the second person a bit too awkward for a poem this short, I can’t help but love that you’ve kept it so short. You’ve cut it down to two simple points 1) she wishes this wasn’t happening, and 2) she loves him anyway. You don’t really need to say any more than that, and it sends a powerful message about their relationship that you haven’t pondered on this further. It just shows that they love each other despite everything, and nothing else needs to matter.
Thanks for the good read :) x
Spire, thank youuu
I'm trying to catch up on responding to reviews so I'm sorry about the quick response :( This truly is a lovely review.
For some reason, I write all my poems in second person. I don't know why or how my brain tells me to do it, but le sigh. It must happen, or else I get angry at myself and can't write the poem. I've only written a few that I liked in third/first person. I doubt I'll change this, since I do like it, but I appreciate the critique.