Hi! I have already reviewed, I know, but I decided to review again, because I found the reviewing poetry circle on the Beta Forums and just had to review this poem! So here it is:
Okay! First off, I have to say that this poem was genius in its diction, syntax, and also in its paragraph style. So many people think that poetry needs to be broken up into halted lines, but I loved how you broke the tradition- it makes you stand out from the others. Also, the choice to use, "you" works out great because now the reader feels why the character feels and it leaves a deeper impression. As for your word choice:
"Shivers EXALT your skin." I enjoyed how you chose exalt, as though the shivers could be pleasurable or not. Not only that, but they seem to last forever on your skin, and trust me, they still EXALT mine!
"You shudder. So cold." Lovely syntax. The sharp terseness makes one catch their breath and feel the short coming breaths that are so sharp and sudden and jarring. The syntax really reflects how the character feels.
"They permeate far, far, far down." Nice repetition! It really emphasizes just how these shivers affect the person and invade their mind.
"Neurons fire and photons dance." Again, nice diction choice! I love how you chose something more scientific instead of just saying "nerves." It really paints the picture of every part of the body being affected.
"Things long forgotten burn amidst frozen flesh." Ooh!!! Makes me shiver again! The contrast of fire and ice, plus the allusion to how dementors freeze everything is so effective and beautiful!
"Relentless tattoo of remember." I love the word tattoo. It brings to mind not only permanence, but also reminds me of the dark mark. Even if the poem is about Harry, I assume it could apply to any unfortunate person, like Snape or even Draco, who regret becoming death eaters and would definitely feel the dark mark burning a "relentless remember."
"Bathed in terrible colours." Again my mind and skin crawls! The image of drowning or being submerged in the terrible sea comes to mind.
"Screams of green slide down the walls." AUGH!!! Okay, again beautiful diction! It's great how you said "screams" as if the spells have noise to them (like the sound of rushing death) and they "slide" down walls (whether real or memory walls, it still causes me to squirm). The image of poor Lily falling to the ground only makes this line that much more penetrating.
"Seeping into the woodwork into a pool of red." I think of blood, of course, but not physical blood. More of the mental kind, the cause of pain, hurt, and agony as Lily realizes she's gone and Harry is left "unprotected." also, it has a double-meaning for Harry, who probably has his own "blood" acting like this as he relives the memory. And he can't handle it.
"Wild and loud and indecent and chases you until there is nothing but black." Nice choice of the word "and." Instead of using commas, this word actually makes it more pressing and jarring and imprints it more on the mind. Plus, it creates a pounding chaos and hurt, as though the person is unable to escape and succumbs to the pain.
"So dark." I have always loves this ending. :) Sigh. It's to the point and short and so memorable and leaves me in my own abyss. Augh!!!
I didn't touch in every line, but I have to say I enjoyed the changing sentence structure- long sentences, the short, rapid ones. It caused a sense of panic in me, which is actually a good thing for this poem.
Okay, now I can criticize! Don't worry. I loves this poem and it's great the way it is. However, I think it could have been stretched a bit longer. Not because the shortness of it isn't great (it is) but because it would help the reader see even more of the torment that haunts those poor people. I know it's more about Harry, so perhaps you could add a bit about him falling into nothingness (like in the third book when he experienced this at the Quidditch match). You have screams, which is good, but maybe you could add "pleadings" or something that alluded more to the scary image of Voldemort murdering. And maybe, just maybe, to make it more defined, add a tinge of hope that may or may not be extinguished, to show how Harry longs to hear his parents' voices (quite like he longed to see their faces in the mirror).
Other than that, it is still beautiful! :)
Thanks for letting me get to read it and review!
So intense! Very vivid and dark imagery! It's a beautiful poem! :)
That's what I was going for, since a dementor attack is also an intense experience. And Jo couldn't very well write something darker than she did, as it was still aimed at children, but I like to think I did all right.
Thanks for the review, and I'm glad you liked it. :D
Do the colors red and green refer to the color of spells being thrown? I realize this is about dementors but I remember that Harry kept relieving flashes of green light...
This is exquisitely beautiful! Dangerous, but ravishing and somewhat mind opening... I especially loved your last sentence "So dark." it really paints the picture of falling into the eternal black abyss that our minds create for us.
Great job and keep it up!!!
In this particular poem, the green does refer to the curse used to kill his mother, and the red references many things - Lily's red hair, the colour of Voldemort's eyes, and well...when the second killing curse rebounded, the room did basically explode. Red also symbolises courage, danger, aggression, and blood (therefore life and death). It seemed an appropriate time to put that in there, because it's where Harry is starting to question what all of these memories mean for him.
The 'So Dark' part, I was going for not only Harry passing out, but also realising that there are far more sinister things out there than Voldemort, like creatures that can suck out your soul while making you watch a film in your head of all the most horrible things that have ever happened to you. Harry chose his boggart well, because being afraid of a dementor is definitely more something that one should fear than silly little things like spiders and snakes.
I'm glad you liked the poem. It's really dark, but if one doesn't look at the dark here and there, who's to say what things look like in the light? Thanks for reviewing and reading. <3
I was shivering as I read this. You captured the essence of that fear so perfectly in so few words.
I love the almost lyrical quality of this. Hmm, lyrical isn't quite the right word because that suggests something much lighter, but the way you've utilised non-poeticwords (like neurons and photons) and yet turned them into something melodic, is really quite lyrical.
To be honest, I'm not even sure this is any good, but it was fun to knock around some non-traditional words and see what stuck. I did rather like the colours bit when I wrote it, which was nice. Usually I just write a poem bit, like it for a bit, and then just kind of...not like it anymore. >.>
Anywho, I'm glad you found it chilling. I'm terrible at telling the difference between poeticism and ramble. Speaking of, I'm doing a lot of the latter now. *hugs Croll* Thanks for stopping in!