Hurt and angry, I stormed from the classroom, slamming the door behind me. Half way down the corridor, I broke into a run, even though I had no idea where I was headed.
You don't need to tell the reader that he's hurt and angry when you show it by him storming out and breaking into a run and then having his Draco-esque meltdown in the lavatory. I'm glad he did have his meltdown because it made me see that your vision of Lucius is patterned on Draco. I see them as very different, so I kept thinking his characterization was off, but now I can shift my expectations...and laugh at Thomas thinking a boy can give a girl the best shag of her life in a broom cupboard.
Ack, Lucius can't remember Narcissa's name again! He's coming across as a blond stereotype. :D
“No.” I replied far more quickly and forcefully than I had intended. “No, Harold, I’m really sorry. It’s just, I’m not sure it would be fair on you, seeing as you obviously have some fairly deep feelings for me, and I, well, I don’t.”
This works for a comeback so well, even though someone might think she's saying she doesn't have deep feelings for herself. Harold the Hufflepuff comes across as quite the creeper. Hope she hexes him in a later chapter. That would impress Lucius. ;)
“Look, Thomas, I appreciate your effort to try and pair me up with some random admirer who is two years our junior, but you obviously forgot that I am already going out with Catherine Reynolds. Therefore, if you wish to woo your sister’s friend, please do, but I do not.”
Lucius is quite different than I imagined, too. I liked his plan B: Sarcasm, flattery and reasoning. but the execution of it didn't match the elegance and wit of the plan. It sounded overly wordy and awkward at the very end.
Something I should have caught last chapter is standing out now. Lucius is a year older than Narcissa in canon and Severus is six years younger than Lucius. Are you saying that Lucius is a seventh year, Severus is a first year, and Narcissa is a fifth year but Lucius doesn't know her name although they've been in the same House for five years? That's hard to believe.
Lucius wondering "What if Violet Bullstrode's friend was a wonderful person?" seemed both a very unlike Lucius Malfoy thing to think and implied that he barely knows who Narcissa is, which in pureblood society has to be impossible.
Still reading on.
I finally saw the truth in why Bellatrix always told me that best friends were so annoying.
Cissy the obsessed is so amusing. I have to admit, I expected a much different tone from your summary, and this was a happy surprise. The actress Claire Danes was once in a tv show called My So Called Life with Jared Leto and the few episodes I saw in reruns had this same theme of daydreaming and fantasizing over a heart-stoppingly beautiful boy and I think it will always work as a plot and be instantly relatable, because it's true to life. A lot of girls have had that omg he's so gorgeous I'll just stand here and stare until my friends drag me away or he leaves and my brain can begin functioning again moment.
One thing I noticed was the use of "he" a lot in the first paragraphs. There's no suspense when it's a Narcissa/Lucius story and he's described the way he is with his long blond (blonde with an e is feminine) hair. Narcissa is so enraptured that I can't imagine her not saying, "I saw Lucius initiating firsties at the other end of the table" simply because thinking his name would provoke butterflies as much as watching his hair catch the light. It also grounds the story up front. This is the dream boy, and the narrator is the obsessed girl.
Violet and Letty are interesting foils to the MC. I like your hints that they are acting like her sisters with Letty's Hufflepuff boyfriend and Violet's hissing and giving sharp nudges. The dream was nice foreshadowing. Don't forget to make it happen. Readers will be looking for it. ;)
I think you missed an opportunity when Lucius found out Narcissa's name. He could have noted that she looks nothing like anyone else in her family. Vain as he is, he doesn't even give a second's admiring glance to her hair?
Reading on now.
Great fic - please update soon!
Author's Response: Thanks very much - I'll try, but I am working on some non HP stuff at the moment too, so it might be quite a while.
Liking this a lot so far. You've pulled me from my trio / next gen comfort zones, and are giving me a new perspective on characters I normally dislike. Great job, I am looking forward to future chapters!
Author's Response: I'm really glad you like this, especially as it's not something you would normally read. I should be back with more soon, so watch this space! Thanks for the review!
Aww! Lovely chapter!~Nidhi
Author's Response: Thanks! I hope tobe back with more soon!
This was a pretty good start! :D I find myself hating Letty already; you characterize everyone very well! The description of Snape made me laugh. Can't wait to hear more from you! :)
Author's Response: Letty's not all bad...she's just that giggly and annoying matchmaker friend that everyone has. Glad you liked it, and thanks for reviewing!
Oh my. Very good so far. I love what you've done with Cissa. Can't wait to see the next chapter!
Author's Response: Thanks Krista. Next chapter is from Lucius' perspective, so that could be interesting...