Hi, Taylor. I see that you have set yourself a hefty task here, to write a chaptered fic about a unique character whom we don’t know much about, so your imagination is really in the driver’s seat.
Students going to Hogwarts have many experiences in common, such as receiving invitations by owl, shopping in Diagon Alley (where they all buy pretty much the same stuff at the same shops), going to Platform 9 3/4, and riding the train. The challenge is to make all these stories not sound alike.
By choosing Lysander and Lorcan as your protagonists, you are steering away from the heavily-used characters, and that is good; there is a better likelihood that you will come up with something original.
Already you sprinkle hints that interesting developments are coming: Luna says “…your father has a lot of …things…going on at work.” (What things, we wonder.) Mr. Ollivander says that the heartstring in Lysander’s wand came from a dragon that his father Rolf had slain. And Lysander’s father warns him that he has made a dangerous enemy. These hints are necessary to keep the opening chapters from being ho-hum.
You also have good characterization of the twins (I like the Veritaserum explosion and the cat’s long tail), and we get a clear idea of Rolf Scamander’s personality from just the brief scenes we see of him.
Your narrative includes some description, and that is good, but since the chapters are pretty short, you have space to play around with more description, how things look and the little things people do while they’re talking, to flesh your scenes out a little bit more and help us readers envision how the scenes look and feel.
I hope that you will continue this story and finish it up. We would like to see how this “different” person manages to find his place and his role at Hogwarts. You have an intriguing beginning, but how will it end?
This looks like it could turn out to be a really good story! I like the idea of writing about Luna's kids. The only thing I'm not sure about is Luna's characterization - I thought maybe she'd be a bit less like a normal mom, a bit more eccentric than she comes across here. All the other characters are good, though :)
Author's Response: Thank you so much! Yes, I've been having a bit of difficulty with Luna's characterization. Thanks for the input and for reading! :)
I like the fact that Luna's off spring are getting a story. Very original.
Author's Response: Thanks! That's exactly why I wrote it! Thanks for reading! :)
You're writing style is nice, unique and pleasant to read. It's a nice thought and I'm excited to see how it will turn out!
I have to say, I find it 100% impossible that an eleven year old boy would kill a dragon. Unless a dragon the size of newborn Nobert(a) but that's not what you were suggesting. If you go into that in more detail you're really going to need to flesh it out with a valid excuse.
I'd say atm he also seems a little too much like Harry. He isn't weird at all, like Luna, and I honestly can't imagine why anyone would bully him. He's an okay (if not slightly short tempered) little boy.
I would also like to know if there is a reason Scorpios is such a bully. I would think his father would have taught him not to make the same mistakes he did, and not to get on the wrong sides of anyone like Luna and her family. Remember, Draco may not be friends with them anymore, but he isn't a baddie, and the heros of the war have a higher social standing than him. I really don't think Scorpios would be brought up that way. Why don't you use an OC in his place?
Last of all, I think Luna is a little OOC. At the end of the day she isn't just weird. There's a lot more too her than that. I think Luna is an incredibly hard character to write, but good luck!
Oh yeah, having trouble remembering this one, but aren't Newt and Luna both purebloods? What would they do with a toaster, and how would they know what it was?
Keep writing, you're doing well! Can't wait to see where it goes!
Author's Response: Why, thank you so much for reading! Oh..uh...well, this is embarrasing. I meant to make Rolf older when I went in to edit it, but never did. Thank you so much for noticing that! >.< And trust me, he gets weirder throughout the story. Especially in the second chapter, (which is being beta'ed at the moment.) I've been think about that Scorpius issue as well. After doing a bit of research, I've found that you're right. I think I'm just going to assume that Scorpius is just afraid what happened to his father will happen to him, so he guards his feelings by bullying others. It's soooo hard to write Luna, yes! I've been trying to make her better. Even though a lot of my friends think I'm a bit crazy, I find her quite difficult to write. I promise I'll try harder! Oh, Rolf is a Muggle-born! So I assumed he would want some Muggle things. I don't know about Luna. Thanks again! The second chapter should be up soon! -Taylor
right now, you have established that Scorpius is a bully who likes to provoke people. You have yet to show that Lysander is wierd or different. Lysander seems more like Harry Potter in that he cant take it anymore. Are you trying to show that compared to his mother that Lysander is 'normal' thus different from his family?
I recognize that you are setting us up for adventure/mystery due to the wand choice. Maybe if Lysander had a best friend, that friend could define how Lysander is 'different'. At present, he seems to be a normal boy.
Author's Response: Thanks for reading! I understand what you are saying. What I am trying to establish is that he is different from "normal" people. I have yet to go deeper into Lysander's weirdness, but you'll see more of that in the second chapter. Right now I'm just showing his short temperedness. Thanks for the review! I'll take this into consideration.