Goodness! How could she face her death that way? This really hit me. My own brother died almost five years ago, but it wasn't in this manner. He died of natural causes during his sleep, almost like Lily here, but I didn't know he was going to die. I don't know what I would have done if I had known...
Thanks for the story. I guess it shows that death is going to come and instead of fearing it so much, we really should learn to just live out our lives and then embrace death. I noticed that same theme in Deathly Hallows, and I'm glad you capture it.
Why did you write such a depressing story ?
That was really sad. I was crying throughout the entire story. :'(
I read your story when it was brand new and didn't have any reviews yet, and I meant to review it, but didn't get around to doing that until now. I figured you had some personal connection to Menkes disease since it is rare, but we're never wrong in writing about what we have experience with. Actually, it's not impossible for Lily to have this disease. A previous reviewer mentioned that Lily would have to receive one defective gene from Harry, but that does not mean that Harry would necessarily have the disease himself (although he has only one X chromosome) because about one-third of all cases of Menkes disease arise as the result of spontaneous mutations, from a parent who has no familial history of the disease. In plain language, a perfectly normal and healthy Harry produces (by spontaneous mutation) a defective sperm cell which fertilizes a egg cell with a defective gene, produced by Ginny (who has no inkling that she carries a recessive mutated gene), and voila! you have a female baby with Menkes disease. Not all the mutations are alike; some disrupt the metabolism of copper more than some others do, so you can have victims with varying life spans. It is possible, but rare, to live beyond the age of ten.
But this is a writing forum, not a science education forum. And I congratulate you for being gutsy enough to write something and post it for all of us to read. I'll bet that the more you write, the better you will get. At least, I hope that that will be true for me. When I read something that has fluid and graceful prose (not necessarily whiz-bang action, just well-crafted sentences and paragraphs), I like to study carefully what makes it so, and then try to revise my own paragraphs to have more of that quality. It takes time.
Wishing you lots of luck.
What a sad story. On a silly note - "biscuits and chocolate gravy" - a breakfast never heard of in England!
Menkes Disease. An odd choice, really. I didn't have to look it up but I think most readers would have to. Either way I think you should describe what it is within the story--it is a bit confusing. It's very briefly described--you only mention once in the entire story what Lily has. It's also very uncommon for children with the disease to live past age 3, and I definitely got the impression that Lily was older than 3 (you do never state her age, which I found odd, but she must be older than 10 if both James and Albus are at Hogwarts)
Also (this is via the Wikipedia article) it's genetically impossible for her to have it. There must be two recessive alleles given to her since it's a sex-linked disease. If both Harry and Ginny gave her a gene for it, it's possible for her to have it, but it's impossible for Harry to have a trait for it. If Harry had even one gene representing Mendes disease, he'd be dominant for the trait (since men have only 1 X chromosome and the disease is carried on the X chromosome) and therefore would also have the disease. I don't think I'm explaining this very well--just know that it's genetically impossible for Lily to have the disorder, and check out Wikipedia for more :D
Guess what I'm learning in biology class? ;)
There are a few other problems but I think the other reviewer got them all. They're mostly canon issues.
I think this story has potential--I just don't think there's enough detail in it yet, and I certainly don't think you researched Menkes disease well enough. It's a weird choice. I'd be much more likely to make up a wizarding disease of some sort--as we've seen in the books, people don't really get Muggle diseases or disorders. That's not to say it can't happen, though. I do at least think it would have a different name.
I think a reread, perhaps a little more research, and a tidying of the canon issues would make this story much better. If you go onto the beta boards and acquire a PI accredited beta (the best of the best, really) they could help you much more than I could :)
I did like Harry in this story. It's very much like him to be kind of distant, not understanding, but still trying to help Lily as best he can. Ginny is the same way--she's shown as a very caring parent in NYL, and it's the same way here. I don't know that they would tell Lily it was her last day, but as a sick child (and I have plenty of experience, hehe) she did seem right.
I don't mean to be cruel or anything--I really thought your writing style was quite nice, I just think the research has a bit to be improved on. I'm a bit of a nut on genetic disorders (my younger sister has several) so I was excited to click on this, but unfortunately it did not really work for me. The writing was lovely--very sad, which I think is what you intended it to be--and the characterisation, especially of Harry and Ginny, was nearly spot-on. I did think it was weird that every single member of the family knew that Lily was going to die that day, but I suppose it's not unheard of.
I'd love to see you write more but I do think that you (a) need to do your research and (b) need to get on the beta boards and get a PI beta. You can find them under the Beta Guild. I'm not one myself, but I have several online friends who are, and what they do to stories is absolutely incredible.
I think this is getting a bit too long, and I think I've said a bit too much about how I'm a genetic disease nerd and know way too much about them. I hope you know that I'm genuinely not trying to tear down your story--I'm just trying to make it as good as possible. That's what reviews are for! :)
Best of luck with writing in the future--I'll be sure to click on it. It's the least you deserve after reading through this monster of a review, hehe.
I felt like there was very little context in this story.
As a few editing points -
1.) Harry can't have apparated directly to Hogwarts. No one can apparate onto the grounds.
2.) You had a lot of repetitive words. "Slowly" - everyone did things slowly. "Tears" - there was a lot about painful tears, and violent tears, and choked back tears. There was also one section of the story about halfway through where you mentioned in different variations that it was Lily's last day so many times that I felt like I was being bludgeoned over the head with it.
I would like to be sad, because I feel like this is a sad fic, and I know that you've spent time and effort on it, but I just didn't feel attached to the characters as you wrote them, and I had so little context. I don't even know how old Lily is.
I will admit that I don't know about Menkes Disease, and I had to look it up, but the symptoms that I read don't seem consistent with what I read here. Yes, the hair, and the weak bones - but not developmental delays, seizures, etc. One page I read said the children rarely live past age 3.
Anyhow. I promise I didn't come here just to tear down your story. I sincerely hope that you can use my feedback for editing purposes and growth in your writing. Cheers!
If your goal was to make a grown man cry you succeeded. Great Job!!!