MuggleNet Fan Fiction
Harry Potter stories written by fans!
Name: Equinox Chick
(Signed) · Date:
10/20/13 13:59 · For:
The Certain Dark
Oh! Excellent pantoum, Hayley. I always struggle with this form, so I appreciate it when I see someone working with it. You’ve done a good job here, and it’s a great poem about Voldemort.
I liked the flow of this and thought the rhyme worked well as it never forced. One or two of the lines felt a touch too syllable heavy, however.
The spidery hand, absent white, slashing the screeching air
Personally, I would have left out the ‘screeching’ to address the syllable imbalance.
I also wasn’t sure about the use of this line:
His swift stride and vengeance ghastly aplomb
I have to admit that I’m not entirely sure what your meaning is here. It could be that adding punctuation would make it clearer, but ‘vengeance’ and ‘aplomb’ are both nouns and you don’t seem to have a verb in this part that brings them together.
The poem as a whole felt very spooky and certainly sent shivers through me. I do like a poem that can evoke emotions, so well done for that.
Author's Response: Thank you for the critique. And my name is Kaylee, by the way. :) Happy Halloween (in 10 days time)!