As interesting a concept this is for a story, the terminology and technical aspects are overbearing. Sorry...this is just not going to fly (no pun intended) and the length of time since your last submission is proof.
It's a bit complex. Bring on Voldemort.
Author's Response: Voldy's dead at this point...
William, I am enjoying your story very much. You write very well. Your premise of a convergence of Muggle technology and wizardly magic is an idea that has been flitting around in my mind also, and having lived through the entire Space Age, I enjoy your references to its history. It is a treat to read a story that is out of the ordinary.
Interesting! Can't wait to see what happens next.
Quite honestly, I am overwhelmed by science/technological things like this. They have never struck me as interesting and probably never will.
Yet I enjoyed this, very much. Perhaps it's the idea of science being incorporated into the wizarding world, perhaps it's your writing, which draws me in. I did think the parentheses were a bit much--perhaps hiring a beta would help--but overall, your writing style is wonderful.
I did think that the huge chunks of dialogue were a bit odd. Perhaps if you cut them up into pieces: the characters aren't robots. They have to take breaths sometimes ;) I often feel like stories like these try to be too informative, to cram all the information into one section. This did not feel like that. You provided enough information for me to understand but did not overdo it.
I'll make sure to read on.
Lily :)
PS: You have submitted into the wrong category! If you click on 'Edit Story' in your settings, a list of categories should come up. You want to click on the General SUBCATEGORY: you've submitted it into the main category, which isn't allowed! D:
Author's Response: As you can probably see, someone else said he had no idea what was going on! It's a fine line between comprehensibility and info dumping. I'm not sure what you're referring to, but some of that is just the way NASA people talk; if you've ever looked at transcripts of what was said on Apollo 11 et cetera there is a lot of highly dense, technical, semi-robotic speech, interspersed with occasional jokes e.g. the service module thing, which refers to the cause of the Apollo 13 failure. I deliberately didn't explain that in order to a) avoid info dumping and b) make the readers feel the same way as Cho and Hermione, who don't get the reference. Re: Postscript: I'll try to do that.
I love how different this is, but I have very little idea what's going on so far! I can comment some on structural points, though...
1.) Try not to use parentheses. Parenthetical notes are for asides - since you're the author, nothing you're saying as part of the narrative is really an aside. You should be able to structure it without the use of parentheses, which aren't generally considered acceptable form for narratives.
2.) Wouldn't Hermione and Cho be better informed? I can't imagine Hermione or a Ravenclaw going into anything without learning as much about it as they could.
3.) You switch perspectives somewhat disorientingly between Hermione and Cho more than once.
I look forward to seeing where you take this!
Oh man, oh man this is exactly right up my alley. There are interesting points to be made on the Muggles finding out about the WW and how horribly that could happen, and I do think they would need to see something major and positive for the Muggle community to accept them.
I especially love how this breaks magic down into a physical thing, and that it is subject - like everything else - to our universal laws. It makes me begin to question broomsticks and how they deal with free-fall or resist rotation... and I love that stories like this say something other than, "with magic, silly!"
I do have one question, however: would Muggles view wizards very highly if space travel was where they popped in? From an American standpoint, our general public looks down upon "wastes of time" like going to the moon, especially in the modern economic climate. I can only assume this is around then, as Hermione is a "Weasley" and the two of them would need to be very high-up to be a part of something like this. From my experience, the general public would view the wizarding community as another branch of the government wasting their money, and hate them more so I actually agree with Kingsley that this might not be the best way to show the world about wizards. Just food for thought, since I do love this story.
Author's Response: This new space plan wasn't going to be the only thing of its type. Also, this would (if it worked) reduce the cost of space travel to distant planets to such a low level that colonization, mining asteroids, et cetera would immediately become commercially viable. As you can see, though, there are still some problems with the spacecraft. And yes to your assumption, as the date is in the late 2010s, and the Deathly Hallows ends in the late 1990s. Also, the political climate regarding space could have changed again by then, since we may have another Sputnik moment with the Chinese, or Congress might finally get its act together regarding the budget. I hope so, but I doubt it will happen.
