Ok stop it now; channelling Shakespeare through JKR? You're spooky good. I especially like "Thy icy voice betrayeth not a whit/Of warmth or care; it hath a callous tone." I like your comments too, that Lily gets to live in warmth but Snape must live in the cold.
Author's Response: Thanks! The summary took about as long to draft as the poem took to write (though not edit), actually--although that was because I originally wrote the poem as non-FF in like 15 minutes, lol.
A wonderful idea, and well done. One suggestion: in line 4, you want to say "tarriest", not "tarrieth", because the verb ending for the second person singular is -est. The ending -eth is for the third person singular. You have it correctly further on in that line, where you say "thou dost" (instead of "thou doth" which would be a mistake), and in the second line where you say "thou hast" (rather than "thou hath", which would be a mistake).
Author's Response: Thanks for catching that! I don't actually know how to write medieval English; I just winged it, lol. I'm glad you liked the poem!
You llama, you! :) What a fun way to use Shakespeare! Teehee! I really enjoyed it!
I wonder what you think of my own depressing fanfiction poetry.....
To quote my favorite movie: "Yay! I'm a llama again!" (The Emperor's New Groove)
Author's Response: Oh, I only know about llamas from the llama song. (Don't look it up. You'll hate me forever.) My third cousins twice removed (or something) own an alpaca farm, though. Your poetry is nice. I mean, yeah, I'm not always partial to depressing stuff, but I just like how they're written--you use vivid language. I remember one of yours that I really liked, about a person in a portrait... I think I do too much poetry that is very candid/write-like-you-talk, which is why I'm trying to branch out.
Are you William Shakespeare, though?
Well done. I really like this. You've nailed the tone of Lily and the language of the original poem. What I think is clever is that the meaning here is so very different from the original, which is a love poem, essentially, whereas this is a hate poem. (Hmm, maybe not hate, as not sure Lily hated him, but she hated what he'd become)
Great job. ~Carole~
Author's Response: Oh, yeah, I'm Shakespeare, too. ('Cuz he totally writes Harry Potter fanfiction.)
You noted that the meaning of the poem is really different from the original. In fact, my inspiration for this poem was exactly that: "What if I rewrote this famous love poem as a hate poem?" It was only later that Lily and Severus came to mind, and when they did, I had to change a few things in the poem so that it would reflect more complicated feelings of anger, pain, and betrayal, instead of just outright loathing...Oh, yes, and writing the language was a lot of fun. Glad you liked it, and thanks for reviewing!