MuggleNet Fan Fiction
Harry Potter stories written by fans!
(Signed) · Date:
03/26/13 0:50 · For:
Lol, I can indeed tell.
Quite an apt title, and an interesting theme. I do think that Riddle could have been saved, if he had been taught love...not long ago, I read a Riddle/Hermione in which Riddle becomes Voldemort anyway, but only because Hermione dies before she can teach him to not just love her, but to love the world.
The language of this poem is quite nice, and your rhymes fit well. The meter and the number of syllables in the lines are not entirely even, but that maybe just be because you have a tune in your head which I don't--I don't know that song. But I don't think it hurts the poem at all; it just gives it a free verse feel despite the rhyme scheme. And anyway, the way you wrote the lines, most lines sort of have their own internal rhythm--like in "does not suit him but draws me in" or "captivates hte untrained eye". In a couple of places, though, the internal rhythm seems like it could be stronger. For example, "only makes me endure through thick and thin" rings better in my ears than "only causes me," and if "endure" could be replaced with somethiing with the accent on the first syllable (i.e. "suffer", except that doesn't quite convey your meaning), I think it would sound nicer yet. Also, maybe "Thoroughly changes over the unkind years" could go instead of "Changes dramatically over the unkind years." I don't know, just an idea.
Some of my favorite lines are "Stare straight through the quaking soul" (which just sounds so cool) and "Roots me to the ground, lets my love be pawned." Especially using "pawned" as your rhyme for "wand"--that was brilliant, really impressed me!
I like the little short stanzas, too. They're almost like a chorus, but different each time, and they tie it all together. I especially like the last stanza, and how it shows genuine empathy and compassion for Riddle. One small word choice thing--"troubling" makes me think of being rather worried, but not outright frightening or agonizing, which is what I think Voldemort's "destruction" is more likely to be. Maybe "ruinous" or "torturous"?
It was an interesting read, especially since I'm not a huge Riddle fan--but this poem was very convincing. :) Hope I was helpful!
Author's Response: Wow, Jenny! Thank you for the lengthy review! I am rather happy that you enjoyed this poem. It is one I the very few that I have on Tom Riddle and I always liked this one because I was able to express my real feelings for him. :) I will take into consideration that last word choice. I am very happy to have found a great reviewer and critiquer! :) Keep reading, <3 Nagini